Vigilante

I was asked to meet my boss one day, after a heated email conversation. It was about him forcing his hand upon my decisions without consulting me. I had reasons to the decisions I had made. I would have agreed to the reasons he had made his decisions, and I would have agreed to come to a compromise should he have discussed things with me first. However, thru the email, the impression I had was that he felt that I was pushing for my personal agenda, considering my own selfish gains. But I am but a NSF, and my decisions have thus far only added onto my workload. How can there be any selfish gains?!?!? I felt grossly wronged and maligned. However, thru our discussion, boss suddenly made this statement that made me jolt: "By who's judgement are you making your decisions by? Eugene's judgement? What makes your judgement more right than others?"

And suddenly, I felt the Spirit's whisper, he may be right...

Was I too caught up in my ideals and fighting for what I believed was right? Had I been too blinded by self-righteousness that I failed to see other's needs? Have I become myopic, or worse still, the hypocrite I promised I would never be? Was I growing to be self-centered, and away from God?

I am a vigilante.

Not a hero, but a selfish, reckless, self-proclaimed "good guy". I may have started out with the right intentions, or even had the pure heart to make a difference. But now, I could be working to feed my selfish desires and emotions, to simply getting things done my way.

And Rev Zheng reminded us just how imperfect our human love is, and if we simply relied on ourselves to do good, that can never be truly good, for one day, we might be blinded by our good intentions. Watching "Arrow", I reflected upon the way of the character's life and realised just how blinded he is by his own missions/agenda, that he has lost sight of what is really good. Indeed, our human scope is simply limited, and we can never completely consider every point and every person. Like it is said "one man's meat is another man's poison". We can never please everyone, even if we may be working with the best of intentions. Only God can make all things beautiful!!!

"No one can serve 2 masters. Either he will hate the one and love the other, or he will be devoted to the one and despise the other." Mat 6:24

Dear Lord, forgive me for being so blinded by my own arrogance and self-righteousness. Father, I need You. Help me to serve and worship You in the role You have called me to, that I will do what is right in Your eyes, and make decisions with Kingdom value. Father, help me build Your kingdom...not mine. Amen

我们亲爱的奶奶

In loving memory of
Mdm Tan Geok Tian

Returned to be with the Lord on 9 January 2013.

Dearly missed and fondly remembered by loved ones.

I have stayed with 奶奶a large part of my life. She is a wonderful cook, great singer, skilled tailor, artistic barber,  elegant lady, devoted wife, self sacrificing mother, grandmotherly grandmother and God fearing Christian.

奶奶 always tells us how she used to prepare banquets (>10 tables) for her family, cooked all sorts of  festive goodies (eg 新年-- 年糕/糕点，端午节-- 粽子，中秋节--月饼, 冬至-- 汤圆) and created delicacies from the most simple ingredients. And my taste buds can certainly testify to her wonderful cooking. Remembered when we were young, we would be so excited when 奶奶 is about to whip some delicacies and be able to participate in the process. She would teach us patiently to beat the eggs to make kaya, kneed the flour to make cakes (my favourite 发糕 and 鸡蛋糕), fry the garlic before the delicious fried bee hoon, roll the 汤圆 (pink and white ones). Though I was sure we were more trouble then help, 奶奶always welcomed our presence with a smile and equal excitement. There was never a dull meal when 奶奶 was in the kitchen. How I wished I could learn even 1% of her culinary skills...

Not only was 奶奶skilled in cooking, she was also a skilled tailor. Most, if not all, of our childhood pyjamas were all handmade by 奶奶. Every Christmas, we would look forward to her gifts of new clothes, which we would wear in the coming new year. In addition, 奶奶 made the most beautiful quilts, from all the left over cloth she used to make our pyjamas. Covering oneself in her beautifully woven quilts, one snuggles into sweet dreams under the warmth of 奶奶's love.

At the same time, 奶奶was also our personal barber. I remember getting into the double/triple stacked chairs, sitting in the front porch, waiting in anticipation. 奶奶would pull this familiar pink cloth around our neck (to cover our body neck-wards, revealing only our head), put on fragrant powder on our neck and snip away. Haircut was always a delightful experience, though during the haircut I would feel the little gitters, following 奶奶's commands to turn my head or close my eyes, I was always confident that the end product would be a handsome me, for my hair was safe in the hands of my wonderful 奶奶.

And that was how 奶奶showed her tireless love for us, through her gifts and acts of service.

奶奶 was an avid singer. She LOVED oldies, always humming tunes like 夜上海，小小东方 and many others which I cannot remember. Remember we would often look out for her favourite oldies eg 蔡琴，费玉亲 and play them on CD or catch them on TV. 奶奶's passion for songs led her to even handcopy lyrics of her favourite songs in notebooks which she kept preciously, showing them to us occasionally with pride :) But her all time favourite, and closest to her heart was "耶稣爱我" which she would sing almost everyday and we would use to effectively divert her attention :) This simply reveals her love for God and her confidence in the Lord's love for her.

大姑 always told me how 奶奶came from a very rich family, but chose to marry 爷爷who was from a poor family. Despite her wealth and high social status, 奶奶 did not take her inheritance for granted. Despite marrying into a poorer family, she did not flaunt her wealth, but choice to live simply and labourously. Though she had a personal servant, she still did her own chores and even chores of my 爷爷's family. 大姑often shared just how much she sacrificed for her family, often silently being bullied by others. Yet, she never complained, but found creative + cost-effective ways around problems and still treated everyone with love and respect, even those who bullied her. In fact, she took much effort to acquire her skills so that she could home-make stuff to save money. She would make daddy's uniforms, new year clothings, cut her children's hair and cook healthy homemade dishes, all to save cost for the family. Such sacrifice!

In addition, 奶奶 was one who cared for the poor and neglected. 奶奶often shared how she would bring food from her father's massive warehouse and offer to poorer classmates. I have seen her preparing drinks for the road sweepers and rubbish collectors who pass by our place and made it a point every morning to greet them. Such compassion and acceptance, especially to the neglected of the society, is one of the traits that many respect and love 奶奶 for.

Though 奶奶 was a full-time dedicated housewife and a pauper's wife, she never lost her fashion sense or her elegance. She always displayed a highly elegant public persona, being 爷爷's pride in major functions. Many often commented just how well dressed and graceful she was. 奶奶 has taught me that fashion is not limited to the wealthy. Elegance is more than just the outward look. It is about the state of the mind and soul, which is reflected in our outward form. This is truly reflection of the verse "every good tree bears good fruit" (Mat 7: 17)

奶奶's life has been a rocky one. Yet, by her faith in Christ and God's grace, her life reflected the over-pouring blessings and grace that comes from God. 奶奶 has left behind a legacy of love for us to model and learn. A love for the unlovable, the neglected, her husband, her family. Though she has left us, we know that she is in a better place, in the arms of our Lord, holding hands with 爷爷 whom she dearly loves. 奶奶，我们永远思念您！

****************

耶稣爱我万不错

因有圣书告诉我

凡小孩子主牧养

我虽软弱主强壮

耶稣爱我舍生命

将我罪恶洗干净

天堂荣门替我开

把祂小羊引进来

耶稣爱我永不忘

永不离开祂小羊

白日遭难主搭救

黑夜睡觉主看守

主耶稣爱我

主耶稣爱我

主耶稣爱我

有圣书告诉我

****************

Old year vs New year

What is so magical about the stroke of 12 on 1 January every year? Is it not simply the passing of a second?
What is so special about a "New year"? Is it not simply an arbitrary set up by Man?

New year vs Old year. To me, it is a significant milestone, a time of remembrance and thanksgiving, a time of renewal and rededication. Moving on into a new year reminds us that time stops for no one. It moves on whether we like it or not, regardless of the situation. Yet, it also brings hope, that time can heal broken wounds and correct wrongs. A wise teacher once shared "Life is to be lived forward, but understood backwards". As time slips us by, like sand through our fingers, we learn to treasure that we cannot hold and count our every blessings.

Looking back at 2012, my heart is filled with thanksgiving and nostalgia. This has been a very special year, as I complete the chapter of my life which was left uncompleted 8 years ago. Serving the army at 26 years old, as a MOIC of NSMC has been a great and wonderful blessing. God had given me the opportunity to interact with so many wonderful people, opened the doors to many lives that I could influence and touch, brought me through a journey of self-discovery that could otherwise never happen. When else would I be in No2 attending a military dinner, hop on and off a flying helicopter, manage a medical centre, putting into practice all that I have believed a good doctor/healthcare institute should be, work with a bunch of lively/enthusiastic medics, fight against the injustices of a poor system, be motivated and disciplined to train physically every other day, stay away from home "legally"...There are little restrictions (not worried about earning money or how my performance would affect my future) and much space for me to explore and utilise. This IS the time of my life, a time of certain freedom to do what I desire, one that would be hard to come by in the life ahead.

Yet, God has taught me many important lessons through the mistakes I have made. He has revealed the childish side of me, where decisions are made on impulse, emotion or selfish desires. Maturity is not a measure of age, but our ability to make well informed decisions even against our gut feeling, ready to bear its consequences. In Sam's words "Be a man, do the right thing". He has also revealed the angsty side of me, one which is fearless, rebellious, zealous and anti-establishment.Often masquerade a righteous activist fighting for the injustice of the society, God has challenged me to look beyond the façade and into my soul, to see the little monster in me. Need to learn to question my motives and actions, by the wisdom and grace of the Spirit. God has also challenged me to relook at how I prioritise matters in my life, to treasure that which has  eternal value.

Looking at the year ahead, as I end the NS chapter of my life, a new exciting chapter begins --- marriage.
So much anticipation, yet so much uncertainty. My life will change drastically, no longer "me" but "us", no longer "I" but "we". Living together is certainly not the same as being together. Priorities will change, life principles will change. What lies ahead, I can only pray that God leads and guide us to love each other upon His love. And it's returning to reality, back into the real working world. I shudder at going back to the wards, so rusty and deconditioned. Having to humbly start afresh, learn everything from scratch will be tough but exciting experience. Many new beginnings!

5 more months to ORD. I am surprisingly not as excited about leaving as others are. Well, 5 more months of doing what I can, to hand over and start letting go. May the beautiful memories and friendships live beyond ORD.

Change

Change is the only constant

Someone once remarked, that at the medical center, the coming of every new MO is like a change in dynasty. New policies, new working style, new relationships. I cannot help but agree. Between me and Shaohui, there are already a lot of differences. Not that Shaohui is not good, in fact, he has been a big inspiration to me in terms of managing the medical center eg caring for the medics (going off at 430pm, cohesion, talking to medics etc), medical management (being objective to separate admin from real medical probs). It's just that we are different. I'm sure Mdm Annie can testify to our difference and she certainly has to learn how to work with different MO (since she has been here for so many MOs)

But now, I feel like I am in the middle of a change, a change in the medics whom I have worked with. I have already witnessed the leaving (ORDing) of so many of my medics.Many good and wonderful one, .many whom I've already lost contact. But this time, the sense of loss is much greater, and I must say, more painful. Beidi, Wayne, Qujuan, Dom and David will all be ORDing in a few days time, and these are some of the closest I've worked with. Already I am missing them, and with Wayne's last msg, the sense of loss is intensified. The reality is hitting, they are really leaving...and I will certainly miss them.

I fear. I fear the break in relationship/friendship. I fear I would never see them again in such a setting. I fear the change and uncertainty that awaits.

Change is in the air. A new group of medics will have to step up and as with new leadership, there will bound to be change. Yet, part of me still wants to live in the old dynasty, resistant to change. I wish things will still remain the same, function the same, relationship still maintained. But the logical side tells me that that is not wise, I need to embrace change. I am not immortal, not a vampire living unchanging. I cannot expect the new leaders to function the same as their predecessors. I cannot allow myself to live in history and worst still, to plasticize the new leadership, suppressing their creativity and passion. I need to let go of the past and allow the future the reveal itself. I need to give the new leaders space to grow and take charge. The challenge is how to guide them yet not be seen to be oppressing them. O Lord, pls grant me wisdom to do so, to speak truth with love.

I too will be ORDing soon. As  much as many say they dread army life, I thank God for the many beautiful memories that this army experience has given me. Father, help me to enjoy every moment of it, to treasure each struggle and challenge, to live each experience to its fullest. Father, help me to make to maximum impact I can, to influence and encourage, to guide and nurture, to be the salt and light here in NSMC. O Lord, I pray not that my legacy live on, but Your glory and love to pass on through the ages of many other MOICs to come. May NSMC always be a place of encouragement and development, a beacon of light to reflect Your glory! Father, pray that you continue to bless the medical center and all of us working here.

As for the many medics that I've had the privilege to work with and see them ORD, Father, I pray that the friendship we have built and the shared memories/experiences we had will be a lasting one. May they be beautiful memories, which will bring us a smile when we recall. Father, I pray that I have been a good officer to them, to encourage and guide them in the way of the Lord. May Your spirit continue to work in their lives, to guide them and shape their hearts, to transform them and help them know You.

Dear guys, I'm going to miss you all very very much. Stay in touch ya. Don't just walk past me when we meet (though there is a high chance I may not recognize you since after army, you would all change hairstyle and stuff) :P I hope that the memories you had here at NSMC were beautiful and your experience here meaningful. Take care and may the Lord bless and guide you!

An emptiness inside

Walking out of camp today, after a really meaningful and exciting week of work, I suddenly felt an empty hollow inside...

...many of my medics are going to ORD
...I am going to ORD (or at least going for a long leave/off/break)

Ah, an empty hollow in desperate need for the Lord to fill, and only He can fill.

But I realised how much I love my work and just how much I care...

Find me faithful

Nov 2011...Jan 2012...Oct 2012...

After all that has been done, after all the effort and energy that has been invested, after all the nights of prayer and planning, after all the painful struggle to consider what is right, after all the time sacrificed, after all the heart work to love and care, after all the inspiration from above and wisdom from the Wise...

I only pray that the Lord will find me faithful in this mission He has put me on.

I may not be able to transform all the lives of those under my care, I may not be able build positive relationships with all I interact, I may not have left a good name behind. But if the Lord finds me faithful, for that  1 starfish along the shore, a starfish at a time, all the effort is worth it.

Dear Lord, pls find me faithful :)

学习放手

原来放手是个如此难的功课。

感谢主让我学习放手的自由和解脱。当我把眼前的事物抓得越紧，我就放弃了对上帝的依靠。无形中，夹在自己肩头上的担子也就重了许多。

“也许曾渴望拥有，但你要我学习放手，在每一分钟”
是的，主啊，我愿意将我的全心交在你手中，毫无保留。让我的手一生抓紧你的手。

===================

The past week has been full of turmoil. I was running solo, taking on roles of x2 MO and x1 SM all at one go. Plus, it didn't help that so many things were happening that required my attention and by some unknown force, I had an increased load of patients and medical reviews. It was simply crazy and I was close to being driven mad. Day by day the stress piled up and I was close to break down. I was so uptight and high strung, snapping at any instance available. Things got so bad to the extend that I snapped at my own medics. I could barely smile, almost as if being happy would only drain me further.

And finally, I did snap. I could no longer see any more patients, I could no longer talk to anyone. I was giddy with anger, stress, tiredness, disappointment and helplessness. I was upset with myself for being in such a pitiful state, yet not being able to break free from it. I felt extremely under appreciated yet over demanded.  My heart ached and if not for me being in uniform, I could almost cry.

人的镜头是神的开始!

Indeed, God' grace and mercy is always sufficient and timely. Just as my world collapsed, He sent His angels  to support and help me. Friends came at the time of need to share my load. And, by God's grace, a common message they shared: "It is time to let go."

I struggled through the weekend with this in mind. How can I let go? I have already put so much effort into the work I have been doing. How can I just give up and let go? Would this be Biblical? Should I not be persevering in doing what is right, fighting for what is right? I stubbornly refused to let go. There must be another way...

But God disciplines those He loves and just like Jonah, He didn't just let me go. This morning, I was extremely late for service and I was the worship leader. I overslept cos I was up the whole night preparing for the slides. I need not have done that, but out of a personal desire, I held on blindly and did it anyway. But because I was late, much of the slides weren't projected. Instead, I was late and nearly caused the service to be disrupted.

Yes, I am holding on to too much. As a result, I become so burdened and stressed for no good reason. I want control, but yet the more control I hold, the more of it I loose. A taut thread will surely break one day. And with my hands closed up in a fist, I can no longer grab onto the only lifeline, the healing and saving hands of God.

I need to let go. Relax my grip on the things of this world. Let others have a chance to display their talents. Leave God space to work His miracles, and I, just sit back and stare in awe of His glory and grace. I need to let go and let God!

Dear Father, teach me to let go of  my grip on the world and let You take control. May Your peace and joy fill my heart once more, grant me patience and wisdom to not rush into things or be quick to control, but to let You take control of every situation, so that You will gain all glory and me, t just bask in Your glory. Amen.