In the belly of the whale...

The boat is rocking violently in the raging storm. There seems to be no rest, no peace, no joy. All around is bitter darkness. How can one be the salt and light being beatten and thrown about in the raging sea? There seems to be no hope...only to jump off the boat...

And here comes the whale....*gulp*

God is good...all the time!!!

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I thank for His ever sufficient grace and blessings.When all seems hopeless, He blessed me today through Rev Wong TM's sharing at our church's anual Medical Sunday. It was a simple sharing on Christian devotion, a simply familiar theme which speaks deeply.

John 21:15-19
Jesus said:" Do you love me?"
Peter replied:"Yes I do Lord"
Jesus: "Feed my sheep/Take care of my sheep"
[x3]

These days, I began to realise how much God has been detached from my work. Work is increasingly becoming just work, an every day affair, a rigid ritual, an obstacle I have to cross (hopefully without too much trouble) before I can receive rest for that day. I begin each day counting down to the end of the day. More work = more pain. There seems to be no joy/hope, only stress and misery.

Yet this is what God has called me to! This is the place where I pray weekly at the end of service, I want to love and serve God in. Yet, have I been serving the Lord thru my work? I feel so guilty and unworthy of the purpose that God has called me to serve and worship Him. Work has become a curse... ... because I have lost sight of God.

Rev Wong shared an intresting point about worship, including both a creative/artistic expression and the practical/service expression of love to God. And what service would the Almighty need of us? Jesus puts it clearly: Feed my sheep/Take care of my sheep
That's what God has called all of us to do! For us to see Christ thru the suffering of others, to find Him amongst the needy. Yet, have I? Oh how blinded I have been to be seeking God in the wrong places when He can be found in the vast harvest field He has placed me in! God is right here in the midst of my work! I pray for God's kingdom to come and His will to be done, yet why am I so blind? Where is the Christian devotion in my life?

Cos my life has been too fragmented and thus fall into pieces. I have cut the line between personal/professional, sercular/sacred. Oh Lord, how I need your healing, to heal my fragmented life, to restore Your kingdom in the completeness of my life!

In worship, God inspires us to work.
In work, God receives our worship!

Father Lord, I pray:
1) That you help me see the suffering Christ in the suffering of the people I serve (patients/colleagues), that every one I serve be like serving you. Humble me to love them even when they are unlovable, give me the courage and out pouring of Your blessings.

2) Teach me to give without expecting any return (rest/recognision), but only the joy which comes from Your pleasure. May I be good...for nothing. May the work of my hands not receive recognision by the world, but by You O Lord!

3) Give me the courage to encourage others, to fan the passion in others, to serve and worship. Father, I thank you that you have not called us to be solo rangers in this battlefield, but to enter the World as a family of bro/sis, united in Your fellowship. Give me wisdom to care for my colleagues and juniors, to see them more than just colleagues but a family.

Father, all these I pray in your holy and precious name. Amen.

When the world seems to crumble...

...God sheds light...

...true light so gentle, yet so powerful, that pierces thru the darkest clouds.

When my world seems to crumble, I receive a gentle call, a prayer over the phone, from a beloved senior who reminds me, it'll be over soon.

When my world seems to crumble, I had a simply wonderful dinner at home, to be reminded of my dearest family members who are always behind me...my strongest pillar of support.

When my world seems to crumble, God sends friends, through blogs/phone calls/simple words of encouragements, that we are not alone.

When my world seems to crumble, my beloved drops a msg, writes a blog and reminded me what love can be.

When my world seems to crumble, I know His hand holds. Hands that are strong, secure, faithful, powerful, full of healing...He holds my world in His hands!!!

...And I know, my world will never crumble.

Because He lives, I can face tmr!!!

Living a life of Jonah

One thought fills my mind these days...Why am I so miserable doing what I know God wants me to do?

I know what God wants me to do is good, and I know (after 5+ years of evidence based experience) that God wants me journey this road to become a doctor, why am I so so so miserable/depressed/pained these days to be doing His work? Shouldn't doing God's work be joyful and happy? Shouldn't there be a great sense of peace as I love and serve Him thru my work? Why then am I so miserable at work these days?

I thought it was THE WORK (ext) factor. But when I turn to see friends/colleagues who display such passion and joy in their work, I realised it's not the work...but the worker (ie me). And thru my wonderful brother, Jon, God has shed some light over the mystery of misery...

I have been leading a life of Jonah.

It has always been my prayer that I want to be a Competent, Compassionate, Christian doctor so that others may see God in me. And I guess God is taking this process of moulding me very seriously. I realised that moments of great misery are often moments of my weakness:
- to do something I'm not confident or good at
- to do something time-consuming/tiring when I'm already tired
- when something I expect does not turn out the way I expect
- ...

I know.

But the mind and the heart just seems so detached. I know I must change, I know that all that is happening is good, but my heart just can't seem to take that. I'm just feeling miserable everyday, wanting only a slacker life, glad that I leave the hospital everyday, to leave the heavy baggage behind, but having such great inertia and dread to return each day. When more work comes/my work phone rings, my heart literally sinks as I pick it up instead of receiving them with a smile. At work, I'm merely a working machine. My mind is almost shut down. I don't think much/more than the task at hand (unlike so many of my friends/colleagues who can pick up the needs of patients and be sensitive to them). That is truly loving patients, being compassionate...and me, I am nowhere near that.

I'm travelling away from Nineveh, though as much as I am trying to turn towards Nineveh...

I pray. I really do with all my heart, that God help mebe more loving, me more sensitive, to have the courage to face each challenge and obstacle, to note be lazy and slack.

I try. To wear a smile when facing everyone, to be perfect in my work, to think more for my patient's needs, to be convinced that THIS is God's work.

But it's just so tiring. I'm just so helpless. I'm so useless. I'm just unable to do that which God calls me. Like Jonah, I'm casuing the ship to sink, bring everyone around with me. My carelessness has caused much trouble/burden to my teammates, my lack of clinical sensitivity/fear of mistakes/uncertainty has led to sub-optimal care of my patients, the internal struggle and pain has caused me to be so withdrawn from others, to become so selfish, refusing to love or reach out to others...

The ship is sinking...

Maybe I should just jump off into the sea...