After dealing with so many social cases, I realised one thing...We should be praying for our MSW, the various community hospitals, voluntary nursing homes and other community service. Cos they are the "last defence" for our patients...but who is supporting this greatly deprived organisations? We often take them for granted, expect them to be there when we need them. May the Lord continue to provide and bless them.
Saturday, December 18, 2010
Monday, December 6, 2010
There r no regrets in life, only lessons learnt
Just made a big boo boo.
Start: NAFA destination: the nearest mrt home.
Plan: little india mrt. then we walked...saw national library, thought, ah, bras bahsar mrt nearer, can take circle line. the walking towards nat lib, realised that i m actually nearer to bugis, then was at the junction when i suddenly rmb my journey from church to fes ie lib which was amazingly short, so decided to just walk to city hall instead (save money to transfer).
As i walked, in the silence of the night n coolness of the nat lib, i got really emo bout just how sad my life is. dreading life, dreading work, wondering how i can carry on, wondering how OTHERS carry on...walked walked, i found myself sitting at the seats beside smrt hq... ... ...
Then my phone rang. dad wanted me to buy bread. i dont know why, but i crazily answered, from carrefour? and so, i begin my journy back to dhoby ghaut...thru SMU, thru hotel rendavous... ... to suddenly realise, didnt i just start around here not too long ago????
I had almost walked back to where I started!!! What a big boo boo!!!!
But life is like this.
You learn from the mistakes u make. you learn from the imperfections. yes, sometimes the boo boos are more frequent, more repetative. sometimes the price to pay is much higher, more painful...but at the end of the day, what doesnt kill u only make u stronger.
And thus...every lesson in life becomes a blessing. thru mistakes u see ur weakness. thru weakness u see ur imperfection n incapability. and thru it u see Gods strength n perfection n blessings. what amazing love n grace :)
To think just moments ago i was contemplating ending my miserable life. what a misery it wld be then, to not see God's blessing n be filled wif such joy n grace :)
Hallelujah!!!! To God be the glory!!!
Start: NAFA destination: the nearest mrt home.
Plan: little india mrt. then we walked...saw national library, thought, ah, bras bahsar mrt nearer, can take circle line. the walking towards nat lib, realised that i m actually nearer to bugis, then was at the junction when i suddenly rmb my journey from church to fes ie lib which was amazingly short, so decided to just walk to city hall instead (save money to transfer).
As i walked, in the silence of the night n coolness of the nat lib, i got really emo bout just how sad my life is. dreading life, dreading work, wondering how i can carry on, wondering how OTHERS carry on...walked walked, i found myself sitting at the seats beside smrt hq... ... ...
Then my phone rang. dad wanted me to buy bread. i dont know why, but i crazily answered, from carrefour? and so, i begin my journy back to dhoby ghaut...thru SMU, thru hotel rendavous... ... to suddenly realise, didnt i just start around here not too long ago????
I had almost walked back to where I started!!! What a big boo boo!!!!
But life is like this.
You learn from the mistakes u make. you learn from the imperfections. yes, sometimes the boo boos are more frequent, more repetative. sometimes the price to pay is much higher, more painful...but at the end of the day, what doesnt kill u only make u stronger.
And thus...every lesson in life becomes a blessing. thru mistakes u see ur weakness. thru weakness u see ur imperfection n incapability. and thru it u see Gods strength n perfection n blessings. what amazing love n grace :)
To think just moments ago i was contemplating ending my miserable life. what a misery it wld be then, to not see God's blessing n be filled wif such joy n grace :)
Hallelujah!!!! To God be the glory!!!
Sunday, October 17, 2010
In the belly of the whale...
The boat is rocking violently in the raging storm. There seems to be no rest, no peace, no joy. All around is bitter darkness. How can one be the salt and light being beatten and thrown about in the raging sea? There seems to be no hope...only to jump off the boat...
And here comes the whale....*gulp*
God is good...all the time!!!
===============
I thank for His ever sufficient grace and blessings.When all seems hopeless, He blessed me today through Rev Wong TM's sharing at our church's anual Medical Sunday. It was a simple sharing on Christian devotion, a simply familiar theme which speaks deeply.
John 21:15-19
Jesus said:" Do you love me?"
Peter replied:"Yes I do Lord"
Jesus: "Feed my sheep/Take care of my sheep"
[x3]
These days, I began to realise how much God has been detached from my work. Work is increasingly becoming just work, an every day affair, a rigid ritual, an obstacle I have to cross (hopefully without too much trouble) before I can receive rest for that day. I begin each day counting down to the end of the day. More work = more pain. There seems to be no joy/hope, only stress and misery.
Yet this is what God has called me to! This is the place where I pray weekly at the end of service, I want to love and serve God in. Yet, have I been serving the Lord thru my work? I feel so guilty and unworthy of the purpose that God has called me to serve and worship Him. Work has become a curse... ... because I have lost sight of God.
Rev Wong shared an intresting point about worship, including both a creative/artistic expression and the practical/service expression of love to God. And what service would the Almighty need of us? Jesus puts it clearly: Feed my sheep/Take care of my sheep
That's what God has called all of us to do! For us to see Christ thru the suffering of others, to find Him amongst the needy. Yet, have I? Oh how blinded I have been to be seeking God in the wrong places when He can be found in the vast harvest field He has placed me in! God is right here in the midst of my work! I pray for God's kingdom to come and His will to be done, yet why am I so blind? Where is the Christian devotion in my life?
Cos my life has been too fragmented and thus fall into pieces. I have cut the line between personal/professional, sercular/sacred. Oh Lord, how I need your healing, to heal my fragmented life, to restore Your kingdom in the completeness of my life!
In worship, God inspires us to work.
In work, God receives our worship!
Father Lord, I pray:
1) That you help me see the suffering Christ in the suffering of the people I serve (patients/colleagues), that every one I serve be like serving you. Humble me to love them even when they are unlovable, give me the courage and out pouring of Your blessings.
2) Teach me to give without expecting any return (rest/recognision), but only the joy which comes from Your pleasure. May I be good...for nothing. May the work of my hands not receive recognision by the world, but by You O Lord!
3) Give me the courage to encourage others, to fan the passion in others, to serve and worship. Father, I thank you that you have not called us to be solo rangers in this battlefield, but to enter the World as a family of bro/sis, united in Your fellowship. Give me wisdom to care for my colleagues and juniors, to see them more than just colleagues but a family.
Father, all these I pray in your holy and precious name. Amen.
And here comes the whale....*gulp*
God is good...all the time!!!
===============
I thank for His ever sufficient grace and blessings.When all seems hopeless, He blessed me today through Rev Wong TM's sharing at our church's anual Medical Sunday. It was a simple sharing on Christian devotion, a simply familiar theme which speaks deeply.
John 21:15-19
Jesus said:" Do you love me?"
Peter replied:"Yes I do Lord"
Jesus: "Feed my sheep/Take care of my sheep"
[x3]
These days, I began to realise how much God has been detached from my work. Work is increasingly becoming just work, an every day affair, a rigid ritual, an obstacle I have to cross (hopefully without too much trouble) before I can receive rest for that day. I begin each day counting down to the end of the day. More work = more pain. There seems to be no joy/hope, only stress and misery.
Yet this is what God has called me to! This is the place where I pray weekly at the end of service, I want to love and serve God in. Yet, have I been serving the Lord thru my work? I feel so guilty and unworthy of the purpose that God has called me to serve and worship Him. Work has become a curse... ... because I have lost sight of God.
Rev Wong shared an intresting point about worship, including both a creative/artistic expression and the practical/service expression of love to God. And what service would the Almighty need of us? Jesus puts it clearly: Feed my sheep/Take care of my sheep
That's what God has called all of us to do! For us to see Christ thru the suffering of others, to find Him amongst the needy. Yet, have I? Oh how blinded I have been to be seeking God in the wrong places when He can be found in the vast harvest field He has placed me in! God is right here in the midst of my work! I pray for God's kingdom to come and His will to be done, yet why am I so blind? Where is the Christian devotion in my life?
Cos my life has been too fragmented and thus fall into pieces. I have cut the line between personal/professional, sercular/sacred. Oh Lord, how I need your healing, to heal my fragmented life, to restore Your kingdom in the completeness of my life!
In worship, God inspires us to work.
In work, God receives our worship!
Father Lord, I pray:
1) That you help me see the suffering Christ in the suffering of the people I serve (patients/colleagues), that every one I serve be like serving you. Humble me to love them even when they are unlovable, give me the courage and out pouring of Your blessings.
2) Teach me to give without expecting any return (rest/recognision), but only the joy which comes from Your pleasure. May I be good...for nothing. May the work of my hands not receive recognision by the world, but by You O Lord!
3) Give me the courage to encourage others, to fan the passion in others, to serve and worship. Father, I thank you that you have not called us to be solo rangers in this battlefield, but to enter the World as a family of bro/sis, united in Your fellowship. Give me wisdom to care for my colleagues and juniors, to see them more than just colleagues but a family.
Father, all these I pray in your holy and precious name. Amen.
Saturday, October 9, 2010
When the world seems to crumble...
...God sheds light...
...true light so gentle, yet so powerful, that pierces thru the darkest clouds.
When my world seems to crumble, I receive a gentle call, a prayer over the phone, from a beloved senior who reminds me, it'll be over soon.
When my world seems to crumble, I had a simply wonderful dinner at home, to be reminded of my dearest family members who are always behind me...my strongest pillar of support.
When my world seems to crumble, God sends friends, through blogs/phone calls/simple words of encouragements, that we are not alone.
When my world seems to crumble, my beloved drops a msg, writes a blog and reminded me what love can be.
When my world seems to crumble, I know His hand holds. Hands that are strong, secure, faithful, powerful, full of healing...He holds my world in His hands!!!
...And I know, my world will never crumble.
Because He lives, I can face tmr!!!
...true light so gentle, yet so powerful, that pierces thru the darkest clouds.
When my world seems to crumble, I receive a gentle call, a prayer over the phone, from a beloved senior who reminds me, it'll be over soon.
When my world seems to crumble, I had a simply wonderful dinner at home, to be reminded of my dearest family members who are always behind me...my strongest pillar of support.
When my world seems to crumble, God sends friends, through blogs/phone calls/simple words of encouragements, that we are not alone.
When my world seems to crumble, my beloved drops a msg, writes a blog and reminded me what love can be.
When my world seems to crumble, I know His hand holds. Hands that are strong, secure, faithful, powerful, full of healing...He holds my world in His hands!!!
...And I know, my world will never crumble.
Because He lives, I can face tmr!!!
Saturday, October 2, 2010
Living a life of Jonah
One thought fills my mind these days...Why am I so miserable doing what I know God wants me to do?
I know what God wants me to do is good, and I know (after 5+ years of evidence based experience) that God wants me journey this road to become a doctor, why am I so so so miserable/depressed/pained these days to be doing His work? Shouldn't doing God's work be joyful and happy? Shouldn't there be a great sense of peace as I love and serve Him thru my work? Why then am I so miserable at work these days?
I thought it was THE WORK (ext) factor. But when I turn to see friends/colleagues who display such passion and joy in their work, I realised it's not the work...but the worker (ie me). And thru my wonderful brother, Jon, God has shed some light over the mystery of misery...
I have been leading a life of Jonah.
It has always been my prayer that I want to be a Competent, Compassionate, Christian doctor so that others may see God in me. And I guess God is taking this process of moulding me very seriously. I realised that moments of great misery are often moments of my weakness:
- to do something I'm not confident or good at
- to do something time-consuming/tiring when I'm already tired
- when something I expect does not turn out the way I expect
- ...
I know.
But the mind and the heart just seems so detached. I know I must change, I know that all that is happening is good, but my heart just can't seem to take that. I'm just feeling miserable everyday, wanting only a slacker life, glad that I leave the hospital everyday, to leave the heavy baggage behind, but having such great inertia and dread to return each day. When more work comes/my work phone rings, my heart literally sinks as I pick it up instead of receiving them with a smile. At work, I'm merely a working machine. My mind is almost shut down. I don't think much/more than the task at hand (unlike so many of my friends/colleagues who can pick up the needs of patients and be sensitive to them). That is truly loving patients, being compassionate...and me, I am nowhere near that.
I'm travelling away from Nineveh, though as much as I am trying to turn towards Nineveh...
I pray. I really do with all my heart, that God help mebe more loving, me more sensitive, to have the courage to face each challenge and obstacle, to note be lazy and slack.
I try. To wear a smile when facing everyone, to be perfect in my work, to think more for my patient's needs, to be convinced that THIS is God's work.
But it's just so tiring. I'm just so helpless. I'm so useless. I'm just unable to do that which God calls me. Like Jonah, I'm casuing the ship to sink, bring everyone around with me. My carelessness has caused much trouble/burden to my teammates, my lack of clinical sensitivity/fear of mistakes/uncertainty has led to sub-optimal care of my patients, the internal struggle and pain has caused me to be so withdrawn from others, to become so selfish, refusing to love or reach out to others...
The ship is sinking...
Maybe I should just jump off into the sea...
I know what God wants me to do is good, and I know (after 5+ years of evidence based experience) that God wants me journey this road to become a doctor, why am I so so so miserable/depressed/pained these days to be doing His work? Shouldn't doing God's work be joyful and happy? Shouldn't there be a great sense of peace as I love and serve Him thru my work? Why then am I so miserable at work these days?
I thought it was THE WORK (ext) factor. But when I turn to see friends/colleagues who display such passion and joy in their work, I realised it's not the work...but the worker (ie me). And thru my wonderful brother, Jon, God has shed some light over the mystery of misery...
I have been leading a life of Jonah.
It has always been my prayer that I want to be a Competent, Compassionate, Christian doctor so that others may see God in me. And I guess God is taking this process of moulding me very seriously. I realised that moments of great misery are often moments of my weakness:
- to do something I'm not confident or good at
- to do something time-consuming/tiring when I'm already tired
- when something I expect does not turn out the way I expect
- ...
I know.
But the mind and the heart just seems so detached. I know I must change, I know that all that is happening is good, but my heart just can't seem to take that. I'm just feeling miserable everyday, wanting only a slacker life, glad that I leave the hospital everyday, to leave the heavy baggage behind, but having such great inertia and dread to return each day. When more work comes/my work phone rings, my heart literally sinks as I pick it up instead of receiving them with a smile. At work, I'm merely a working machine. My mind is almost shut down. I don't think much/more than the task at hand (unlike so many of my friends/colleagues who can pick up the needs of patients and be sensitive to them). That is truly loving patients, being compassionate...and me, I am nowhere near that.
I'm travelling away from Nineveh, though as much as I am trying to turn towards Nineveh...
I pray. I really do with all my heart, that God help mebe more loving, me more sensitive, to have the courage to face each challenge and obstacle, to note be lazy and slack.
I try. To wear a smile when facing everyone, to be perfect in my work, to think more for my patient's needs, to be convinced that THIS is God's work.
But it's just so tiring. I'm just so helpless. I'm so useless. I'm just unable to do that which God calls me. Like Jonah, I'm casuing the ship to sink, bring everyone around with me. My carelessness has caused much trouble/burden to my teammates, my lack of clinical sensitivity/fear of mistakes/uncertainty has led to sub-optimal care of my patients, the internal struggle and pain has caused me to be so withdrawn from others, to become so selfish, refusing to love or reach out to others...
The ship is sinking...
Maybe I should just jump off into the sea...
Sunday, September 26, 2010
...‘cos I’m on my way, I’m on my way
A beautiful song that sings of my sould in the current situation:
I’m far away from what I’ve known
And there’s static on the radio
Just a girl in a car on a lonely highway
I’ve been up and down this winding road
It’s getting dark, the stores are closed
The map is wrinkled, my coffee’s turned to grey
But I’m on my way, I’m on my way
There seems to be no end in sight
But I know I’ll be alright
‘Cos I’m on my way, I’m on my way
Sweet embrace, I’m on my way
So many beat-up cars on this dirt road
I see them sputter and start to choke
How many miles must I go till I rest in Your grace
I feel like giving up and letting go
Let the world invade my mind, my soul
Will this road make me, a sinner or a saint
But I’m on my way, I’m on my way
There seems to be no end in sight
But I know I’ll be alright
‘Cos I’m on my way, I’m on my way
Don’t give up on me, I’m on my way
I can picture your smiling face
Your arms stretched to hold me
Waiting there by the gate
If I ever get lost
I know that you’ll find me
There’s a cross on a hill saying “Do not be afraid.”
I’m on my way
If I keep you in my sight
I know I’ll be alright
"On my way" by Corrine May
I’m far away from what I’ve known
And there’s static on the radio
Just a girl in a car on a lonely highway
I’ve been up and down this winding road
It’s getting dark, the stores are closed
The map is wrinkled, my coffee’s turned to grey
But I’m on my way, I’m on my way
There seems to be no end in sight
But I know I’ll be alright
‘Cos I’m on my way, I’m on my way
Sweet embrace, I’m on my way
So many beat-up cars on this dirt road
I see them sputter and start to choke
How many miles must I go till I rest in Your grace
I feel like giving up and letting go
Let the world invade my mind, my soul
Will this road make me, a sinner or a saint
But I’m on my way, I’m on my way
There seems to be no end in sight
But I know I’ll be alright
‘Cos I’m on my way, I’m on my way
Don’t give up on me, I’m on my way
I can picture your smiling face
Your arms stretched to hold me
Waiting there by the gate
If I ever get lost
I know that you’ll find me
There’s a cross on a hill saying “Do not be afraid.”
I’m on my way
If I keep you in my sight
I know I’ll be alright
"On my way" by Corrine May
Wednesday, September 22, 2010
Devastated and helpless
When your most loved one becomes a patient, what should you do?
When all medical knowledge points towards death, how do you find hope?
Time is running short. There seems to be nothing I can do.
Father, in moments like this, I call out to You!!! You are the God of miracles, and I believe in You.
When all medical knowledge points towards death, how do you find hope?
Time is running short. There seems to be nothing I can do.
Father, in moments like this, I call out to You!!! You are the God of miracles, and I believe in You.
Monday, September 20, 2010
I hate my life!!!
I have come to somewhat a conclusion...I hate my life.
No, it's not that I hate living, but rather, I hate the way my life is being lived. Over the past weeks since I started my new posting, I have been living with many regrets I can hardly pen them down...reget not spending time with my loved ones, regret not loving my family more, regret being so tired and snappy outside of work, regret missing important occations, regret becoming more and more implosive...and soon, maybe...even to regret being a doctor...
My work has taken away so much of my time and energy. What's left is spent sleeping so that I can work again the next day. The more I think about, I find myself in such a pathetic and pitiful state. I put in my effort and love for others, at the expense of my loved ones. I try to do my best for my patients (even thou sometimes it may be rather unreasonable), but what am I doing for my loved ones? I have decreased interaction with my family (even my sis asked why she hasnt' seen me for so so long), I'm so tired when I do see my family, I become so snappy at them...I feel like an unfilial bastard, only taking from my family and giving nothing...Yes, I hate myself.
And my friends...I haven't seen my dear cabbages for close to a month. It was painfully and deeply painful when I heard that 2 dear friends are engaged. Not that I don't want them to be engaged (it s a great and joyous news...finally :P ), but that I can't be there to share in their joy :( I haven't been to church since 1 Sep.
Last but not least, I feel increasingly detached from God. I haven't been to church, but more than that, I find my prayers so so self centered, so much about my suffering, my pain. Though I pray (or rather cry out in distress), it's me that centers my prayer. Quiet time is so limited, cos I'm just so so tired when I sit down and be quiet, my eyes can't pass even 2 sentences. I'm living on "past reserves" and verses my dear friends constantly msg me. Sometimes, I even fill that cup of blessing deminishing, though my mind always reminds me, His grace is sufficient for me...
But indeed, God's grace is sufficient for me!!! Though it has been stormy and gloomy, God's light never ceases to shine through the rain. He has shown me so many miracles, revealing His power in ways I cannot image and holding me up each time I fall. God is good...all the time!!! If not for His strength, I would not even be able to live for another second. If not by His grace, I would have just let go and given up. If not for His faithfulness, life would have been meaningless.
Becase He lives, I can face tomorrow!!!
Oh Lord, be my ever present strength and joy in every circumstances, so I may shine for you, at home and at work.
No, it's not that I hate living, but rather, I hate the way my life is being lived. Over the past weeks since I started my new posting, I have been living with many regrets I can hardly pen them down...reget not spending time with my loved ones, regret not loving my family more, regret being so tired and snappy outside of work, regret missing important occations, regret becoming more and more implosive...and soon, maybe...even to regret being a doctor...
My work has taken away so much of my time and energy. What's left is spent sleeping so that I can work again the next day. The more I think about, I find myself in such a pathetic and pitiful state. I put in my effort and love for others, at the expense of my loved ones. I try to do my best for my patients (even thou sometimes it may be rather unreasonable), but what am I doing for my loved ones? I have decreased interaction with my family (even my sis asked why she hasnt' seen me for so so long), I'm so tired when I do see my family, I become so snappy at them...I feel like an unfilial bastard, only taking from my family and giving nothing...Yes, I hate myself.
And my friends...I haven't seen my dear cabbages for close to a month. It was painfully and deeply painful when I heard that 2 dear friends are engaged. Not that I don't want them to be engaged (it s a great and joyous news...finally :P ), but that I can't be there to share in their joy :( I haven't been to church since 1 Sep.
Last but not least, I feel increasingly detached from God. I haven't been to church, but more than that, I find my prayers so so self centered, so much about my suffering, my pain. Though I pray (or rather cry out in distress), it's me that centers my prayer. Quiet time is so limited, cos I'm just so so tired when I sit down and be quiet, my eyes can't pass even 2 sentences. I'm living on "past reserves" and verses my dear friends constantly msg me. Sometimes, I even fill that cup of blessing deminishing, though my mind always reminds me, His grace is sufficient for me...
But indeed, God's grace is sufficient for me!!! Though it has been stormy and gloomy, God's light never ceases to shine through the rain. He has shown me so many miracles, revealing His power in ways I cannot image and holding me up each time I fall. God is good...all the time!!! If not for His strength, I would not even be able to live for another second. If not by His grace, I would have just let go and given up. If not for His faithfulness, life would have been meaningless.
Becase He lives, I can face tomorrow!!!
Oh Lord, be my ever present strength and joy in every circumstances, so I may shine for you, at home and at work.
Friday, September 10, 2010
The journey of the cross
No one said the journey of the cross would be easy.
But I never knew it could be so difficult and even painful....
Things were so terrible one night, I simply collapsed in the lift in tears and prayer. When the door openned, I ran out straight to the staff toilet in fear of being seen. It has been painful and stressful, to be in such an unfamiliar system, to work with unfamiliar faces, to realise that there's so much that I don't know, to be petrified by the fact I am a danger and burden to others...worst still, I started to see just how the stress at work is eating into me, sucking out every ounce of joy and love that I have. I become so tired/stressed/paralysed that even a simple simle becomes so difficult.
I begin to wonder, maybe I should just quit. One senior once said, why choose tough postings to suffer? Sld just get the slack postings and relax, enjoy life. I look at that now and wonder what's wrong with that? I'm so swamped now at work that I simply become a work machine, struggling to complete changes. Patients are no longer people but cases I need to attend to (must not miss out otherwise senior not happy). Nurses become classified into those that help and those that don't, rather than friends and partners. I no longer have the time or energy to sit down and slowly speak to ptn or to even smile and make friends. Everything must be done...and fast...stat...No love, no compassion, just get the job done (without getting a complain). The motivation to work each day becomes to satistfy seniors rather than to practice medicine. It's chillingly painful, yet a stark reality.
My family is almost cast aside. I leave home before the rest of the household wakes up and return when everyone is asleep. Dad, dagu and ergu have to wake up with me at 430am to prepare breakfast for me, yet I don't even have time to smile and say thanks when the taxi horns for me downstairs. Don't have time to share my siblings problems, don't have the energy to wish loved ones happy birthday. And my dear, just how long have we not spoken, not seen each other. How I miss her, to see her... They say it's a choice, if you choose to do something, you will make time for it..but this thought has become shackles weighing me down with guilt. I become more sucked and stuck down.
Prayers are minimised from shining for God to a simple "Oh Lord, help me survive the day". QT is almost non existant. I take out my Bible and soon find my mind so overwhelmingly occupied with the stress at work I can't even settle down myself to reflect and meditate. Even if i had the time to open the Bible, I simply fall asleep before even crossing 3 sentences.
Work...work...work...where is God in all these? Where is the love that I had hoped to give? How can I be a blessing to others when I am so useless, unexperienced, careless and weak? I become increasingly paralysed with fear, at times so paralysed I fear to even speak (in case I say something gravely wrong or stupid). I become sucked into the comfort zone that seems to be shrinking by the day...
Maybe I should really quit...
I can't quit my work...so maybe I sld just quit being nice. Or trying to...
Maybe it's ok to just do changes without feeling for ptns, maybe it's ok not to be nice to others, maybe it's ok to just treat work like work...Maybe...it's ok not to be a Christian at work...
....
NO!!!!
This IS the path God has set me on. This IS the road that i have choosen to take. This IS the journey to the cross!!! Jesus carried His cross to Calvary and now I shall carry my cross to Heaven.
Then He said to them all "If anyone would come after me, he must deny himself and take up his cross daily and follow me. For whoever wants to save his life will lose it, but whoever loses his life for me will save it. What good is it for a man to gain the whole world, yet lose or forfeit his very self? " Luke 9:22-23
This is the journey of the cross.
I praise and thank God for helping me see just how every day's struggle is drawing me closer to Him. At each obstacle I encounter, God is there, ready to shape and chistle me. Indeed, like Paul said, in our weakness God's glory is magnified! I am the clay in the Potter's hand, and though it will be painful being moulded and shaped, I want to be shaped into that perfect artwork my Potter has in mind.
Father, I thank you for placing me where I am. Though it has been (and will probably be) tough/painful and stressful, Lord I pray you strengthen me and fill me with Your Spirit. For Father, I serve not out of what I have, but out of the overflowing blessing inside me. And you alone are the source of blessings. Give me wisdom to learn fast, prioritise, be sensitive to dangerous signs/symptoms. Fill me with your love and joy, that I can love and bring joy to others. I thank you for the seniors and many friends you have placed around me, being so encouraging and supportive. Father, help me hold the cross at my workplace, that all will see and know You are God!!!
Amen
But I never knew it could be so difficult and even painful....
Things were so terrible one night, I simply collapsed in the lift in tears and prayer. When the door openned, I ran out straight to the staff toilet in fear of being seen. It has been painful and stressful, to be in such an unfamiliar system, to work with unfamiliar faces, to realise that there's so much that I don't know, to be petrified by the fact I am a danger and burden to others...worst still, I started to see just how the stress at work is eating into me, sucking out every ounce of joy and love that I have. I become so tired/stressed/paralysed that even a simple simle becomes so difficult.
I begin to wonder, maybe I should just quit. One senior once said, why choose tough postings to suffer? Sld just get the slack postings and relax, enjoy life. I look at that now and wonder what's wrong with that? I'm so swamped now at work that I simply become a work machine, struggling to complete changes. Patients are no longer people but cases I need to attend to (must not miss out otherwise senior not happy). Nurses become classified into those that help and those that don't, rather than friends and partners. I no longer have the time or energy to sit down and slowly speak to ptn or to even smile and make friends. Everything must be done...and fast...stat...No love, no compassion, just get the job done (without getting a complain). The motivation to work each day becomes to satistfy seniors rather than to practice medicine. It's chillingly painful, yet a stark reality.
My family is almost cast aside. I leave home before the rest of the household wakes up and return when everyone is asleep. Dad, dagu and ergu have to wake up with me at 430am to prepare breakfast for me, yet I don't even have time to smile and say thanks when the taxi horns for me downstairs. Don't have time to share my siblings problems, don't have the energy to wish loved ones happy birthday. And my dear, just how long have we not spoken, not seen each other. How I miss her, to see her... They say it's a choice, if you choose to do something, you will make time for it..but this thought has become shackles weighing me down with guilt. I become more sucked and stuck down.
Prayers are minimised from shining for God to a simple "Oh Lord, help me survive the day". QT is almost non existant. I take out my Bible and soon find my mind so overwhelmingly occupied with the stress at work I can't even settle down myself to reflect and meditate. Even if i had the time to open the Bible, I simply fall asleep before even crossing 3 sentences.
Work...work...work...where is God in all these? Where is the love that I had hoped to give? How can I be a blessing to others when I am so useless, unexperienced, careless and weak? I become increasingly paralysed with fear, at times so paralysed I fear to even speak (in case I say something gravely wrong or stupid). I become sucked into the comfort zone that seems to be shrinking by the day...
Maybe I should really quit...
I can't quit my work...so maybe I sld just quit being nice. Or trying to...
Maybe it's ok to just do changes without feeling for ptns, maybe it's ok not to be nice to others, maybe it's ok to just treat work like work...Maybe...it's ok not to be a Christian at work...
....
NO!!!!
This IS the path God has set me on. This IS the road that i have choosen to take. This IS the journey to the cross!!! Jesus carried His cross to Calvary and now I shall carry my cross to Heaven.
Then He said to them all "If anyone would come after me, he must deny himself and take up his cross daily and follow me. For whoever wants to save his life will lose it, but whoever loses his life for me will save it. What good is it for a man to gain the whole world, yet lose or forfeit his very self? " Luke 9:22-23
This is the journey of the cross.
I praise and thank God for helping me see just how every day's struggle is drawing me closer to Him. At each obstacle I encounter, God is there, ready to shape and chistle me. Indeed, like Paul said, in our weakness God's glory is magnified! I am the clay in the Potter's hand, and though it will be painful being moulded and shaped, I want to be shaped into that perfect artwork my Potter has in mind.
Father, I thank you for placing me where I am. Though it has been (and will probably be) tough/painful and stressful, Lord I pray you strengthen me and fill me with Your Spirit. For Father, I serve not out of what I have, but out of the overflowing blessing inside me. And you alone are the source of blessings. Give me wisdom to learn fast, prioritise, be sensitive to dangerous signs/symptoms. Fill me with your love and joy, that I can love and bring joy to others. I thank you for the seniors and many friends you have placed around me, being so encouraging and supportive. Father, help me hold the cross at my workplace, that all will see and know You are God!!!
Amen
Friday, July 16, 2010
Happy birthday
Someone...a rather long time ago...commented that birthdays are special moments for us to stop and give thanks for ALL the blessings the Lord has given us throughout our lifespan. Indeed, birthdays are possible only because of the gift of life God has given...and birthdays are precious, because of the gifts of love from many others God has given. Birthdays are not about ME, but rather, the many others God has given and blessed me with. It's a celebration of God's love !!!!
As I celebrate my second lunar cycle (ie 24 yrs), I am just amazed by God's blessings through the year and through the years. Family, friends, miracles are just about in every page and chapter of my life.
To all my dear friends out there...
THANK YOU!!!! for making my birthday possible :)
As I celebrate my second lunar cycle (ie 24 yrs), I am just amazed by God's blessings through the year and through the years. Family, friends, miracles are just about in every page and chapter of my life.
To all my dear friends out there...
THANK YOU!!!! for making my birthday possible :)
Monday, July 5, 2010
生命就是一场战争
许牧师 gave an inspiring sermon that truly touched my heart.
Sharing from 出埃及记 17: 8-16, it was a precious lesson from how God was the banner over the Isrealistes as they battled the Amalekites.
生命就是一场战争：
1）我们是否与神争战，或是神与我们争战？
2）我们是否为神而争战，或是神为我们争战？
3）我们是否在乎赢得战役，或是赢得战争？
Three questions that really hit the soul and searches the spirit. It questions the very attitude and motivation to our daily activities. There is no doubt that life is a daily battle. At a physical level (work, studies, relationships) or on a spiritual level. But how do we fight these battles? What sld our attitudes be?
Simply put, God is should be the center/focus of all battles. He should be the reason and motivation we fight. We battle each day for His cause, we battle for Him and not Him for us; and we want to focus on the final goal, the Cross, not just on the small wars each day.
How apt is this sharing in view of the work I do now! Indeed, I find myself in a daily battle in many sense of the word, against the world, against myself and against the devil. Yet so often, I find myself asking "Where is God?", "Why can't God just help me?" rather than recognising that God is the focus of ALL my work! What a foolish and blind man I have been, to be deceived by the Evil one.
Indeed, have been feeling very Spiritually dry recently. Maybe it's being sick and fatigued. Maybe it's things going more smoothly than usual. Or maybe it's just pure laziness to challenge my thinking and actions, to keep them in check. All in all, I have slowly taken over God's place in my life to become the self-centered me...and I know, life wld soon be in a mess if things don't start changing.
Oh Father Lord, I am such a weak and foolish person. I am so in need of Your grace and guidance. Help me Father, be my Jehovah Jireh and Jehovah Nissi, for I want to battle under Your banner till eternity. Amen.
Sharing from 出埃及记 17: 8-16, it was a precious lesson from how God was the banner over the Isrealistes as they battled the Amalekites.
生命就是一场战争：
1）我们是否与神争战，或是神与我们争战？
2）我们是否为神而争战，或是神为我们争战？
3）我们是否在乎赢得战役，或是赢得战争？
Three questions that really hit the soul and searches the spirit. It questions the very attitude and motivation to our daily activities. There is no doubt that life is a daily battle. At a physical level (work, studies, relationships) or on a spiritual level. But how do we fight these battles? What sld our attitudes be?
Simply put, God is should be the center/focus of all battles. He should be the reason and motivation we fight. We battle each day for His cause, we battle for Him and not Him for us; and we want to focus on the final goal, the Cross, not just on the small wars each day.
How apt is this sharing in view of the work I do now! Indeed, I find myself in a daily battle in many sense of the word, against the world, against myself and against the devil. Yet so often, I find myself asking "Where is God?", "Why can't God just help me?" rather than recognising that God is the focus of ALL my work! What a foolish and blind man I have been, to be deceived by the Evil one.
Indeed, have been feeling very Spiritually dry recently. Maybe it's being sick and fatigued. Maybe it's things going more smoothly than usual. Or maybe it's just pure laziness to challenge my thinking and actions, to keep them in check. All in all, I have slowly taken over God's place in my life to become the self-centered me...and I know, life wld soon be in a mess if things don't start changing.
Oh Father Lord, I am such a weak and foolish person. I am so in need of Your grace and guidance. Help me Father, be my Jehovah Jireh and Jehovah Nissi, for I want to battle under Your banner till eternity. Amen.
Wednesday, June 9, 2010
不求外在苦难短减，只求内心力量加添
I felt like crying, but yet no tears came. I felt like having an angina, a deep physical aching in my heart, almost crushing in nature. I was faint, naueating and even close to syncope. The more my thoughts went by, the worse the symptoms...Sucide came to mind, but I thank God for sweeping it away almost instantly.
Why am I here suffering? Why do I have to subject myself to such agony? I could simply quit and leave all these behind and move on. I could simply live each day on "survival mode" and de uninterested in the work. But yet, I know I can't...
I can't...because God would not want me to.
It's into the 2nd month of my HOship. One would expect that I'm more experienced, more settled down into the system, more confident in dealing with patients and medically related stuff. But on the contrary, I realise day by day just how much I do not know, even simple "medical student" level stuff. More and more of my weakness are revealled in dangerous situations, often, to the extend of scaring myself. I am a dangerous doctor, a terrible curse to my patients and a burden to my colleagues.
So I sld just quit...
But many have reminded me that I am barely starting on this journey. There's so much I don't know, so much I need to learn. I know I am a slow learner, and wld have to humble in learning and a little more hardworking in picking up these skills on the job. But... ... I'm tired. Physically, mentally, emotionally...and even Spiritually tired. It's becoming a struggle everyday to keep up the positiveness, to remember why I am here every day.
But we worship an amazing God!!!! Many times, I am just so thankful for God's blessing and encouragements from His word. Indeed, we serve not out of what we have, but out of an overflowing of the Lord's blessing. His Spirit fills us so abundantly that we simply outflow with His joy and grace. Therefore, He is glorified through our weakness (as Paul puts it nicely)!!!! What an amazing encouragement!!!
These days I feel like giving up, to just slack and care-less, to just live life my own way, disregarding everyone else. But God reminds and reprimands me, that I worship Him. He encourages me, that He who begin the good work, will see to its beautiful completion!!! And so, here is my prayer : 不求外在苦难短减，只求内心力量加添!
All glory to God alone!!!
Why am I here suffering? Why do I have to subject myself to such agony? I could simply quit and leave all these behind and move on. I could simply live each day on "survival mode" and de uninterested in the work. But yet, I know I can't...
I can't...because God would not want me to.
It's into the 2nd month of my HOship. One would expect that I'm more experienced, more settled down into the system, more confident in dealing with patients and medically related stuff. But on the contrary, I realise day by day just how much I do not know, even simple "medical student" level stuff. More and more of my weakness are revealled in dangerous situations, often, to the extend of scaring myself. I am a dangerous doctor, a terrible curse to my patients and a burden to my colleagues.
So I sld just quit...
But many have reminded me that I am barely starting on this journey. There's so much I don't know, so much I need to learn. I know I am a slow learner, and wld have to humble in learning and a little more hardworking in picking up these skills on the job. But... ... I'm tired. Physically, mentally, emotionally...and even Spiritually tired. It's becoming a struggle everyday to keep up the positiveness, to remember why I am here every day.
But we worship an amazing God!!!! Many times, I am just so thankful for God's blessing and encouragements from His word. Indeed, we serve not out of what we have, but out of an overflowing of the Lord's blessing. His Spirit fills us so abundantly that we simply outflow with His joy and grace. Therefore, He is glorified through our weakness (as Paul puts it nicely)!!!! What an amazing encouragement!!!
These days I feel like giving up, to just slack and care-less, to just live life my own way, disregarding everyone else. But God reminds and reprimands me, that I worship Him. He encourages me, that He who begin the good work, will see to its beautiful completion!!! And so, here is my prayer : 不求外在苦难短减，只求内心力量加添!
All glory to God alone!!!
Monday, May 17, 2010
The real deal
I'm into my 3rd week of being a doctor...and I'm still dumbfounded by this role that God has placed me in.
The power to heal...and kill...To build and to break, to love and to un-love. I feel like I'm standing in this thin balance where any small move will make or break...And how I hate such situations, to have so little space to manuever, to have so little confidence to propel, so little time to consider. It is truly out of my comfort zone...Yet I thank God for placing me where I am.
This is the real deal! This is the being of a compassionate, competent, Christian doctor I have been praying all my five years. And how I thank God for the vision He had given me right at the start of the journey, and how He hs promised me with a rainbow that He will see me through this journey.
Life in the wards is challenging. One is faced with many decisions, many relations. I can't multi-task for nuts and when things are thrown at me all of a sudden, I find myself simply lost in the pile of mess. Loving is not a mere emotion, but an action with rational decision. Deciding to love as Christ does takes great wisdom and humility, no more "gut feeling" but lots of prayful moments of inner conviction and inspiration.
Over the past 2 weeks, I have so often found myself in the dark side --- the uncompassionate, incompetent, self-centered me. I find a great struggle to even think WWJD, I find it a pain to pray, to think. What a great temptation it is to just be slack, get things done and survive. But I thank God He will not have me live my life so...How often He has rebuked me thru seniors, my dear bro Sam and many others, and also to encourage me thru them. All praise and glory to Him alone!!!
I have come to see my work as a worship and offering to God...and there can be NO substandards, not because I wanna shine in front of anyone, but cos I am accountable to Him, who has blessed me to bless others, who has called me to this office. Glory to God in the highest!!!
The power to heal...and kill...To build and to break, to love and to un-love. I feel like I'm standing in this thin balance where any small move will make or break...And how I hate such situations, to have so little space to manuever, to have so little confidence to propel, so little time to consider. It is truly out of my comfort zone...Yet I thank God for placing me where I am.
This is the real deal! This is the being of a compassionate, competent, Christian doctor I have been praying all my five years. And how I thank God for the vision He had given me right at the start of the journey, and how He hs promised me with a rainbow that He will see me through this journey.
Life in the wards is challenging. One is faced with many decisions, many relations. I can't multi-task for nuts and when things are thrown at me all of a sudden, I find myself simply lost in the pile of mess. Loving is not a mere emotion, but an action with rational decision. Deciding to love as Christ does takes great wisdom and humility, no more "gut feeling" but lots of prayful moments of inner conviction and inspiration.
Over the past 2 weeks, I have so often found myself in the dark side --- the uncompassionate, incompetent, self-centered me. I find a great struggle to even think WWJD, I find it a pain to pray, to think. What a great temptation it is to just be slack, get things done and survive. But I thank God He will not have me live my life so...How often He has rebuked me thru seniors, my dear bro Sam and many others, and also to encourage me thru them. All praise and glory to Him alone!!!
I have come to see my work as a worship and offering to God...and there can be NO substandards, not because I wanna shine in front of anyone, but cos I am accountable to Him, who has blessed me to bless others, who has called me to this office. Glory to God in the highest!!!
Tuesday, April 20, 2010
Dr Chua
Got myself registered with the Singapore Medical Council, got my PC and number. For the first time in my life, I sign an offical document addressed to Dr Chua Yu Cong Eugene :)
I can hardly describe the joy of seeing my name on the PC. It's a beautiful dream come true, a prize received at the end of a race.
My heart was filled with awe and amazement as I looked back about the five years that God has brought me through. All the miracles He has revealed in my life, all the obstacles and challenges He has carried me through, all the precious experiences and lessons learnt...Indeed, all praise and glory to God, for it was by His grace and strength alone that I can run this race. It was a long race of bitter-sweet joys and sorrows. It was a race with many hurdles and pits. I fell. I hurt myself, but God's hand was always there. Through every tough time, He sent forth His blessing, assured me with His promise, and helped me to stand and run again.
And now, a new race has began.
This is the race to become the compassionate, competent Christian doc God has called me to be. Yes, it's so exciting at the starting point. I begin to recall all the lessons God has taught me, all the inspirational role models He has blessed me to meet and all the struggles that lie ahead. It's gonna be another painfully long race, but I am sure the Lord will lead.
For now, let's get our hearts settled right with the Lord, awaiting His gunshot and run the race!!
I can hardly describe the joy of seeing my name on the PC. It's a beautiful dream come true, a prize received at the end of a race.
My heart was filled with awe and amazement as I looked back about the five years that God has brought me through. All the miracles He has revealed in my life, all the obstacles and challenges He has carried me through, all the precious experiences and lessons learnt...Indeed, all praise and glory to God, for it was by His grace and strength alone that I can run this race. It was a long race of bitter-sweet joys and sorrows. It was a race with many hurdles and pits. I fell. I hurt myself, but God's hand was always there. Through every tough time, He sent forth His blessing, assured me with His promise, and helped me to stand and run again.
And now, a new race has began.
This is the race to become the compassionate, competent Christian doc God has called me to be. Yes, it's so exciting at the starting point. I begin to recall all the lessons God has taught me, all the inspirational role models He has blessed me to meet and all the struggles that lie ahead. It's gonna be another painfully long race, but I am sure the Lord will lead.
For now, let's get our hearts settled right with the Lord, awaiting His gunshot and run the race!!
Monday, April 5, 2010
The "joys" of being a doctor
An account from my SIP days...
There’s this old lady under my team’s care who has a past medical history of
1) multiple myeloma
2) congestive heart failure
3) rheumatic arthritis
4) Fe/B12 deficiency
5) Osteoporosis
6) CVA
In addition, she has scabies, which is probably the reason why people choose to keep away from her. “Scabies is infectious!!! And you don’t want scabies” I admit that I would not go close to her without gloves and gown either.
If you have a heart, when you see this poor lady all curled up alone in her bed, you can’t help but have an ache. Bones and joints badly deformed due to RA, she lies there on bed like an embryo. She’s barely able to move, completely ADL dependent and feeds through an NG tube. On the few occasions I talked to her, she said she hasn’t eaten for days and wonders if she would die without eating. I tried my best to explain that her body is still receiving nutrient via the NGT and she’ll just nod, almost resigned to fate. (Ah, I wished I could get the speech therapiest to review her and see if she can start feeding. But then again, what if she aspirates? Plus, she’ll need some one to feed her. Yet, aren’t we robbing her of the simple pleasures of feeding, replacing it with an NGT? )
Walking along the corridors, you could often see Mdm X staring blankly into space, as if in her own fantasy world. I sure pray it’s beautiful memories that are flying through her mind, to bring her a smile or 2 as the days pass by. Yet would reality be so painful that she has simply accepted the “life” she now has, confined to the bed she stays, her world limited to the narrow visual field her eyes are permitted to see. Being ignorant to such a great torturous truth seemed like the more comforting alternative.
No one visits Mdm X, at least in my knowledge. You can even feel an invisible ring surrounding her that seems cursed, where no one wants to tread. Lonely and alone, I shudder to consider such painful loneliness. Won’t life be meaningless when you are in this pitiful state? And God said He came to give us life, and life to fullest. I can hardly see any life in Mdm X.
When asked what she hoped for, her only answer was to return to her former old folks home (at Orchard road). Hearing that is like a stab through my heart. I do not doubt the care the hospital here, but wherever that old folks home is, it's truly home...and yet it ain't a real home, by my definition.
The most painful stroke for me was when I had to set an IV line for Mdm X. I know I’m lousy at IV lines to start with. Her veins are not the most difficult ones, by my standard. They were palpable and visible. Yet as I set my first one, the tubing got kicked :( Already, Mdm X was screaming in pain, the slow, deep wrenching scream of sheer pain. Yet I failed!!! Oh, how I prayed for a success, that I would not have to do it a second time. But why did I fail? Why is it always me who have to inflict pain on others…
How I wish I can vow to never inflict pain again. But yet I know that wld be impossible. I know my limitations and my weakness. But I know, in God, all things are possible...I just have to trust Him, to guide me to care for my patients.
There’s this old lady under my team’s care who has a past medical history of
1) multiple myeloma
2) congestive heart failure
3) rheumatic arthritis
4) Fe/B12 deficiency
5) Osteoporosis
6) CVA
In addition, she has scabies, which is probably the reason why people choose to keep away from her. “Scabies is infectious!!! And you don’t want scabies” I admit that I would not go close to her without gloves and gown either.
If you have a heart, when you see this poor lady all curled up alone in her bed, you can’t help but have an ache. Bones and joints badly deformed due to RA, she lies there on bed like an embryo. She’s barely able to move, completely ADL dependent and feeds through an NG tube. On the few occasions I talked to her, she said she hasn’t eaten for days and wonders if she would die without eating. I tried my best to explain that her body is still receiving nutrient via the NGT and she’ll just nod, almost resigned to fate. (Ah, I wished I could get the speech therapiest to review her and see if she can start feeding. But then again, what if she aspirates? Plus, she’ll need some one to feed her. Yet, aren’t we robbing her of the simple pleasures of feeding, replacing it with an NGT? )
Walking along the corridors, you could often see Mdm X staring blankly into space, as if in her own fantasy world. I sure pray it’s beautiful memories that are flying through her mind, to bring her a smile or 2 as the days pass by. Yet would reality be so painful that she has simply accepted the “life” she now has, confined to the bed she stays, her world limited to the narrow visual field her eyes are permitted to see. Being ignorant to such a great torturous truth seemed like the more comforting alternative.
No one visits Mdm X, at least in my knowledge. You can even feel an invisible ring surrounding her that seems cursed, where no one wants to tread. Lonely and alone, I shudder to consider such painful loneliness. Won’t life be meaningless when you are in this pitiful state? And God said He came to give us life, and life to fullest. I can hardly see any life in Mdm X.
When asked what she hoped for, her only answer was to return to her former old folks home (at Orchard road). Hearing that is like a stab through my heart. I do not doubt the care the hospital here, but wherever that old folks home is, it's truly home...and yet it ain't a real home, by my definition.
The most painful stroke for me was when I had to set an IV line for Mdm X. I know I’m lousy at IV lines to start with. Her veins are not the most difficult ones, by my standard. They were palpable and visible. Yet as I set my first one, the tubing got kicked :( Already, Mdm X was screaming in pain, the slow, deep wrenching scream of sheer pain. Yet I failed!!! Oh, how I prayed for a success, that I would not have to do it a second time. But why did I fail? Why is it always me who have to inflict pain on others…
How I wish I can vow to never inflict pain again. But yet I know that wld be impossible. I know my limitations and my weakness. But I know, in God, all things are possible...I just have to trust Him, to guide me to care for my patients.
Saturday, April 3, 2010
Remember the cross
This is one Good Friday which doesn't feel Good friday-ish. Maybe cos the holiday is in the middle of my holiday so don't have that extra feel. Maybe I haven't been to church for a while and have missed the lent reminder (大斋). Maybe my sphere of Christian influence are mostly overseas...But no matter what, there can be no excuse and I am truly ashamed that I haven't spent time reflecting on the cross...forgive me Lord.
But I thank God for my church pastor Rev Titus Zhang. He is truely a gifted speaker. He speaks with great wisdom from God, founding his sermon closely onto the Word and inspiring his sheep to follow after Christ. What a blessing it is to be led by such a shephard...haha, to think that I was angst with him once, foolish me.
Rev Zhang shared a very interesting perspective of the cross...rejection and seperation.(十架上的离弃). The cross marked Christ's rejection by many. (1) the Jews who welcomed Him with palm leaves and shouts of praise were the people who shouted "Crucify Him". (2) His beloved disciple Peter denied Him 3 times, each with a stronger curse. (3) God the Father forsaking Him as He bore the sins of th world.
(1) & (2) Why was there such rejection? It was because Christ did not meet their expectations. When the Jews failed to learn the meaning of Messiah, they found Jesus unfit to be their King as He proclaims. And similarly, when Christ was no longer in a powerful state, Peter's humanly reaction was to run away. Isn't it so between man-man r/s? So often, r/s fall apart becasue one party fails to meet another party's expectations...I can think of a very personal friendship that fits the description.
(3) But not so in the Father's rejection of the Son! Yes, this was a painful rejection, when Christ shouted "My God, my God, why have you forsaken me?" (Mat 27: 46). It was a terrible seperation of the perfect Trinity. Yet, upon this rejection was the bridge of reconciliation! For it was through Christ's sacrifice that we can have eternal life and be reunited with God.
When we survey the wonderous cross, do we not see God's great sacrifice and love? How then can we achieve such reconciliation between God and Man? Only when we commit our spirits into the Father's hands, just as Christ did!
Father, into your hands I commit my spirit.
But I thank God for my church pastor Rev Titus Zhang. He is truely a gifted speaker. He speaks with great wisdom from God, founding his sermon closely onto the Word and inspiring his sheep to follow after Christ. What a blessing it is to be led by such a shephard...haha, to think that I was angst with him once, foolish me.
Rev Zhang shared a very interesting perspective of the cross...rejection and seperation.(十架上的离弃). The cross marked Christ's rejection by many. (1) the Jews who welcomed Him with palm leaves and shouts of praise were the people who shouted "Crucify Him". (2) His beloved disciple Peter denied Him 3 times, each with a stronger curse. (3) God the Father forsaking Him as He bore the sins of th world.
(1) & (2) Why was there such rejection? It was because Christ did not meet their expectations. When the Jews failed to learn the meaning of Messiah, they found Jesus unfit to be their King as He proclaims. And similarly, when Christ was no longer in a powerful state, Peter's humanly reaction was to run away. Isn't it so between man-man r/s? So often, r/s fall apart becasue one party fails to meet another party's expectations...I can think of a very personal friendship that fits the description.
(3) But not so in the Father's rejection of the Son! Yes, this was a painful rejection, when Christ shouted "My God, my God, why have you forsaken me?" (Mat 27: 46). It was a terrible seperation of the perfect Trinity. Yet, upon this rejection was the bridge of reconciliation! For it was through Christ's sacrifice that we can have eternal life and be reunited with God.
When we survey the wonderous cross, do we not see God's great sacrifice and love? How then can we achieve such reconciliation between God and Man? Only when we commit our spirits into the Father's hands, just as Christ did!
Father, into your hands I commit my spirit.
Wednesday, March 31, 2010
It's over.
I stepped out of my last paeds station and happily joined the queue which was already formed. Everyone talked excitedly about the cases they just had. We walked towards the end of the corridor where our handphones and friends awaited us. It was only then it striked me that the exam was over.
There was no oooo or wow. It's just... ...over
5 years. 60 months. 1825 days. This day marks the end of our medical student life.
No wait.
This marks the end of our lives as students. Not that we stop learning, but we wld never have to attend school. This day truely marks the end of our accademic lives.
It took a rather long while for that truth to set in. The bunch of us lerked around NUH Kent Ridge Wing lobby for at least 30min, calling family, chatting, taking photos, deciding where to go...There was no sense of excitement or sheer relieve, just that it's...over.
Someone commented that suddenly, life seemed to have lost it's purpose...and I can't help but agree. We have been studying for so so long, always preparing for the next exam. But now, there is no exam ahead to look to.
It's really ironic, that thru the preparing for this exam, we were always looking forward to the end of it. The end of the exam almost became a motivation for us to press on. Yet now at the end of the road, everything just comes to this large full stop. No outburst of emotions, no great sense of relief. Just a full stop.
Soon our feet led Jon and myself to the science canteen. In sharing, we both marvelled at just how 5 yr had gone by and how God has blessed us, sustaining us thru this rocky road. All that knowledge to grasp, all the experiences, all the wonderful relationships/friendships we have built...5 yrs seemed so short, yet recalling each experience, we are amazed by the length. We soon found ourselves in prayer, of thanksgiving, of commiting the future and all it's uncertainty into the Lord's hands.
Indeed, the future is a great uncertainty. Would we pass/would we fail? How would the working environment be? We wld nvr know.
Life is a journey. Look to the cross.
There was no oooo or wow. It's just... ...over
5 years. 60 months. 1825 days. This day marks the end of our medical student life.
No wait.
This marks the end of our lives as students. Not that we stop learning, but we wld never have to attend school. This day truely marks the end of our accademic lives.
It took a rather long while for that truth to set in. The bunch of us lerked around NUH Kent Ridge Wing lobby for at least 30min, calling family, chatting, taking photos, deciding where to go...There was no sense of excitement or sheer relieve, just that it's...over.
Someone commented that suddenly, life seemed to have lost it's purpose...and I can't help but agree. We have been studying for so so long, always preparing for the next exam. But now, there is no exam ahead to look to.
It's really ironic, that thru the preparing for this exam, we were always looking forward to the end of it. The end of the exam almost became a motivation for us to press on. Yet now at the end of the road, everything just comes to this large full stop. No outburst of emotions, no great sense of relief. Just a full stop.
Soon our feet led Jon and myself to the science canteen. In sharing, we both marvelled at just how 5 yr had gone by and how God has blessed us, sustaining us thru this rocky road. All that knowledge to grasp, all the experiences, all the wonderful relationships/friendships we have built...5 yrs seemed so short, yet recalling each experience, we are amazed by the length. We soon found ourselves in prayer, of thanksgiving, of commiting the future and all it's uncertainty into the Lord's hands.
Indeed, the future is a great uncertainty. Would we pass/would we fail? How would the working environment be? We wld nvr know.
Life is a journey. Look to the cross.
Thursday, March 18, 2010
When it is all said and done
It's Day 10 of MBBS...
We have cleared all our theory papers. The toughest clinical exams lie ahead of us. For me, it starts this Sat with the surgical clinicals.
I can hardly believe that we are already more than halfway thru this major exam. The past few days have just swept by so swiftly, it almost seem like this morning's MEQ was a matter of a distant past. Haha, everything seems like a dream, each moment passing by without one's notice, yet I know that my time is counted to the very second, for every moment is precious.
Was telling Xian that things pass by so fast, sometimes I wonder at the end of the day, the purpose of living for each day seems to become blurred. When it is all said and done, what have we lived our life for? How have our lives lived to God's will for us? When time passes so fast, we have to be more conscious of what we live for each day. O Lord, give me wisdom and obedience to follow you all the way.
Be very careful, then, how you live—not as unwise but as wise, making the most of every opportunity, because the days are evil. Therefore do not be foolish, but understand what the Lord's will is. --- Eph 5:15-17
We have cleared all our theory papers. The toughest clinical exams lie ahead of us. For me, it starts this Sat with the surgical clinicals.
I can hardly believe that we are already more than halfway thru this major exam. The past few days have just swept by so swiftly, it almost seem like this morning's MEQ was a matter of a distant past. Haha, everything seems like a dream, each moment passing by without one's notice, yet I know that my time is counted to the very second, for every moment is precious.
Was telling Xian that things pass by so fast, sometimes I wonder at the end of the day, the purpose of living for each day seems to become blurred. When it is all said and done, what have we lived our life for? How have our lives lived to God's will for us? When time passes so fast, we have to be more conscious of what we live for each day. O Lord, give me wisdom and obedience to follow you all the way.
Be very careful, then, how you live—not as unwise but as wise, making the most of every opportunity, because the days are evil. Therefore do not be foolish, but understand what the Lord's will is. --- Eph 5:15-17
Monday, March 8, 2010
And here it comes
After 5 years of training, we finally arrive at the final MBBS.
A mixture of excitement and anxiousness fills me as I wonder how tmr morning will be. Yet, I have a sense of peace knowing that the sun will still shine tmr and our faithful Father would be there with His new blessings every new morning.
"...being confident of this, that he who began a good work in you will carry it on to completion until the day of Christ Jesus. " Phi 1:6
Indeed, the Lord has led us to this journey and He will definitely see us through till the end. Our confidence lies notin what we know, but in te Lord who giveth us the knowledge and wisdom. So well, we'll face the MBBS and life ahead in the name of the Lord!!!
Father, commit all my friends into your hands. Lead us, guide us and bless us, to become the doctors you want us to be. Amen.
A mixture of excitement and anxiousness fills me as I wonder how tmr morning will be. Yet, I have a sense of peace knowing that the sun will still shine tmr and our faithful Father would be there with His new blessings every new morning.
"...being confident of this, that he who began a good work in you will carry it on to completion until the day of Christ Jesus. " Phi 1:6
Indeed, the Lord has led us to this journey and He will definitely see us through till the end. Our confidence lies notin what we know, but in te Lord who giveth us the knowledge and wisdom. So well, we'll face the MBBS and life ahead in the name of the Lord!!!
Father, commit all my friends into your hands. Lead us, guide us and bless us, to become the doctors you want us to be. Amen.
Saturday, March 6, 2010
On faith and miracle healing
Mark 9:14-30
14When they came to the other disciples, they saw a large crowd around them and the teachers of the law arguing with them. 15 As soon as all the people saw Jesus, they were overwhelmed with wonder and ran to greet him.
16"What are you arguing with them about?" he asked.
17A man in the crowd answered, "Teacher, I brought you my son, who is possessed by a spirit that has robbed him of speech. 18 Whenever it seizes him, it throws him to the ground. He foams at the mouth, gnashes his teeth and becomes rigid. I asked your disciples to drive out the spirit, but they could not."
19"O unbelieving generation," Jesus replied, "how long shall I stay with you? How long shall I put up with you? Bring the boy to me."
20So they brought him. When the spirit saw Jesus, it immediately threw the boy into a convulsion. He fell to the ground and rolled around, foaming at the mouth.
21Jesus asked the boy's father, "How long has he been like this?"
"From childhood," he answered. 22"It has often thrown him into fire or water to kill him. But if you can do anything, take pity on us and help us."
23" 'If you can'?" said Jesus. "Everything is possible for him who believes."
24 Immediately the boy's father exclaimed, "I do believe; help me overcome my unbelief!"
25When Jesus saw that a crowd was running to the scene, he rebuked the evil spirit. "You deaf and mute spirit," he said, "I command you, come out of him and never enter him again."
26The spirit shrieked, convulsed him violently and came out. The boy looked so much like a corpse that many said, "He's dead." 27But Jesus took him by the hand and lifted him to his feet, and he stood up.
28After Jesus had gone indoors, his disciples asked him privately, "Why couldn't we drive it out?"
29He replied, "This kind can come out only by prayer."
30They left that place and passed through Galilee. Jesus did not want anyone to know where they were...
"Miracle healing". This thought has been on my mind for quite a while and resurfaced when one of my friends asked me to visit a church's miracle healing seminar. As someone who is privileged to study the art of medicine, it is indeed hard for me to understand how these miracle healing/healers work. Yet, the Lord I worship and believe has shown great healing and mercy. I once reasoned that we don't see such acts of miracle healing cos this generation (of the new testament) no longer needs such miracles to reveal God's presence for He has been revealed through Christ. My pastor offered another perspective that miracles in our understanding today is a quick and swift fix to our problems (cos it defies time), so is the healing a stage 4 CA over 10yrs considered a miracle? It definitely is! But just that these "miracles" are not so visible.
Was talking with Sam over lunch about this and he shared another friend's view that we don't see such acts of miracles cos we are a generation without such faith. Miracles happen all around us, but we have not the faith to see them and believe that it is a miracle. Hmm...i do find this opinion hard to dispute. Even Christ called us an "unbelieving generation".
Yet, I still struggle with the act of miracles and our attitudes towards them. When miracles happen after we pray, people often attribute the power of healing to the person who prayed "Oh, you are a man of greater faith thus God has heard your prayer". But is that so? Does God only hear the prayers of a "man with greater faith"? Does he not hear all our prayers, as he promised he would in the Bible? I get a sense of self-centeredness thru all these healing seminars/acts of healing instead of a God-centered worship.
But on the other hand, Jesus has rebuked the heart of the faithless. Like in the above passage, the father said "But if you can do anything" (v22) and Jesus immediately pointed out his faithlessness "If you can?...everything is possible for him who believes." (v23). Have I too been too faithless in believing that God can perform miracles? Have I been too faithless and timid to ask God for miracles? Did Jesus not say "I tell you the truth, if you have faith and do not doubt...it will be done. If you believe, you will receive whatever you ask for in prayer" (Mat 21:21-22). On reflecting, I do realise that my prayers have often been full of doubts and "what ifs". Ha, such an unbelieving heart...
I remember somewhere in the book of Proverbs, King Solomen commented that the prayer of a unbelieving heart is like an insult to God (or something to that extend, but I can't find that verse). Ah, Father, I do believe you are a God of miracles; give me greater faith and help me overcome my unbelief! Amen.
14When they came to the other disciples, they saw a large crowd around them and the teachers of the law arguing with them. 15 As soon as all the people saw Jesus, they were overwhelmed with wonder and ran to greet him.
16"What are you arguing with them about?" he asked.
17A man in the crowd answered, "Teacher, I brought you my son, who is possessed by a spirit that has robbed him of speech. 18 Whenever it seizes him, it throws him to the ground. He foams at the mouth, gnashes his teeth and becomes rigid. I asked your disciples to drive out the spirit, but they could not."
19"O unbelieving generation," Jesus replied, "how long shall I stay with you? How long shall I put up with you? Bring the boy to me."
20So they brought him. When the spirit saw Jesus, it immediately threw the boy into a convulsion. He fell to the ground and rolled around, foaming at the mouth.
21Jesus asked the boy's father, "How long has he been like this?"
"From childhood," he answered. 22"It has often thrown him into fire or water to kill him. But if you can do anything, take pity on us and help us."
23" 'If you can'?" said Jesus. "Everything is possible for him who believes."
24 Immediately the boy's father exclaimed, "I do believe; help me overcome my unbelief!"
25When Jesus saw that a crowd was running to the scene, he rebuked the evil spirit. "You deaf and mute spirit," he said, "I command you, come out of him and never enter him again."
26The spirit shrieked, convulsed him violently and came out. The boy looked so much like a corpse that many said, "He's dead." 27But Jesus took him by the hand and lifted him to his feet, and he stood up.
28After Jesus had gone indoors, his disciples asked him privately, "Why couldn't we drive it out?"
29He replied, "This kind can come out only by prayer."
30They left that place and passed through Galilee. Jesus did not want anyone to know where they were...
***************************************
"Miracle healing". This thought has been on my mind for quite a while and resurfaced when one of my friends asked me to visit a church's miracle healing seminar. As someone who is privileged to study the art of medicine, it is indeed hard for me to understand how these miracle healing/healers work. Yet, the Lord I worship and believe has shown great healing and mercy. I once reasoned that we don't see such acts of miracle healing cos this generation (of the new testament) no longer needs such miracles to reveal God's presence for He has been revealed through Christ. My pastor offered another perspective that miracles in our understanding today is a quick and swift fix to our problems (cos it defies time), so is the healing a stage 4 CA over 10yrs considered a miracle? It definitely is! But just that these "miracles" are not so visible.
Was talking with Sam over lunch about this and he shared another friend's view that we don't see such acts of miracles cos we are a generation without such faith. Miracles happen all around us, but we have not the faith to see them and believe that it is a miracle. Hmm...i do find this opinion hard to dispute. Even Christ called us an "unbelieving generation".
Yet, I still struggle with the act of miracles and our attitudes towards them. When miracles happen after we pray, people often attribute the power of healing to the person who prayed "Oh, you are a man of greater faith thus God has heard your prayer". But is that so? Does God only hear the prayers of a "man with greater faith"? Does he not hear all our prayers, as he promised he would in the Bible? I get a sense of self-centeredness thru all these healing seminars/acts of healing instead of a God-centered worship.
But on the other hand, Jesus has rebuked the heart of the faithless. Like in the above passage, the father said "But if you can do anything" (v22) and Jesus immediately pointed out his faithlessness "If you can?...everything is possible for him who believes." (v23). Have I too been too faithless in believing that God can perform miracles? Have I been too faithless and timid to ask God for miracles? Did Jesus not say "I tell you the truth, if you have faith and do not doubt...it will be done. If you believe, you will receive whatever you ask for in prayer" (Mat 21:21-22). On reflecting, I do realise that my prayers have often been full of doubts and "what ifs". Ha, such an unbelieving heart...
I remember somewhere in the book of Proverbs, King Solomen commented that the prayer of a unbelieving heart is like an insult to God (or something to that extend, but I can't find that verse). Ah, Father, I do believe you are a God of miracles; give me greater faith and help me overcome my unbelief! Amen.
Monday, March 1, 2010
Living life in a blur...
I guess it's a pre-exam phenomena, where you seem to be able to count every single second that passes by, yet when it passes, it feels like sand slipping thru your hands.
Yup, life becomes a blur. Things just happen, time just passes. Nothing is significantly singnificant, just part of the day. It's so quiet, yet so noisy. Feels like you are standing in the middle of river. The water flows by swiftly, and you are wading profusely, just to find that it's still just you in an unchanging landscape. Sigh, find it hard to quieten my soul down to even do my quiet time.
Feels like running aimlessly, yet the truth is I'm running towards a goal.
Haha, sigh. Living life in a blur, a confused soul.
Yup, life becomes a blur. Things just happen, time just passes. Nothing is significantly singnificant, just part of the day. It's so quiet, yet so noisy. Feels like you are standing in the middle of river. The water flows by swiftly, and you are wading profusely, just to find that it's still just you in an unchanging landscape. Sigh, find it hard to quieten my soul down to even do my quiet time.
Feels like running aimlessly, yet the truth is I'm running towards a goal.
Haha, sigh. Living life in a blur, a confused soul.
Sunday, February 28, 2010
Tuesday, February 23, 2010
Reminiscence therapy
Finally conlucded that my limited brain can no longer take in more info and decided to take a break. Went to facebook, some friends blog and my own past entries.
Really amazed and amused by my past self. Honestly, I haven't changed much since then. Still making the same mistakes, falling into the same temptations, just that the trigger/agent may be different. And the cycle of events don't differ too much either, I sin --> God helped me realise my sin --> God gave me the strength to overcome that sin --> sin overcame --> --> --> sin again. Haha...sigh... God's really been very patient with me eh :P
Also saw the same God leading me though all these years. His blessings, grace and providance is always so sufficient. Like the Psalmist prayed, God never gave me too much that I forget Him, nor too little that I curse Him. His grace is always enough! Ah, what a great and loving God we have eh :)
Ok, enough reminiscence therapy. BAck to the books!!!! Jia You!!!
Really amazed and amused by my past self. Honestly, I haven't changed much since then. Still making the same mistakes, falling into the same temptations, just that the trigger/agent may be different. And the cycle of events don't differ too much either, I sin --> God helped me realise my sin --> God gave me the strength to overcome that sin --> sin overcame --> --> --> sin again. Haha...sigh... God's really been very patient with me eh :P
Also saw the same God leading me though all these years. His blessings, grace and providance is always so sufficient. Like the Psalmist prayed, God never gave me too much that I forget Him, nor too little that I curse Him. His grace is always enough! Ah, what a great and loving God we have eh :)
Ok, enough reminiscence therapy. BAck to the books!!!! Jia You!!!
Monday, February 15, 2010
I thank God I am loved
I know I haven't been the best boyfriend, yet I have received the love a best boyfriend deserves. I know I can't promise to love the way you love me (for it is so so perfect), but I promise I will never stop trying.
To my dearest valentine, Happy Valentines' Day...and thanks for sharing your day with my family.
May the Lord teach us to love each other like He loved the church. Let this be our prayer!
To my dearest valentine, Happy Valentines' Day...and thanks for sharing your day with my family.
May the Lord teach us to love each other like He loved the church. Let this be our prayer!
Sunday, February 14, 2010
Transfiguration (Luke 9:28-36 )
About eight days after Jesus said this, he took Peter, John and James with him and went up onto a mountain to pray. As he was praying, the appearance of his face changed, and his clothes became as bright as a flash of lightning. Two men, Moses and Elijah, appeared in glorious splendor, talking with Jesus. They spoke about his departure, which he was about to bring to fulfillment at Jerusalem. Peter and his companions were very sleepy, but when they became fully awake, they saw his glory and the two men standing with him. As the men were leaving Jesus, Peter said to him, "Master, it is good for us to be here. Let us put up three shelters—one for you, one for Moses and one for Elijah." (He did not know what he was saying.)
While he was speaking, a cloud appeared and enveloped them, and they were afraid as they entered the cloud. A voice came from the cloud, saying, "This is my Son, whom I have chosen; listen to him." When the voice had spoken, they found that Jesus was alone. The disciples kept this to themselves, and told no one at that time what they had seen.
Rev Titus Zhang shared on the verse on the Transfiguration of Jesus, and shared how Moses represented the Law and Elijah, the Prophets. And what then brings the Law, the Prophets and the cross together? Mat 22: 37, Jesus replied: " 'Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind.' This is the first and greatest commandment. 39And the second is like it: 'Love your neighbor as yourself.' All the Law and the Prophets hang on these two commandments."
Indeed, it is love. And when God calls us to listen to the word of our Lord, it is the message of love. On this very special day of Chinese New Year and Valentine's Day, such a message adds so much value to the occation, sharing a message of reunion, reconcilation and restoration. Praise be the God!!
Have a blessed Chinese New Year and to all lovers out there, have a Happy Valentine's Day :)
While he was speaking, a cloud appeared and enveloped them, and they were afraid as they entered the cloud. A voice came from the cloud, saying, "This is my Son, whom I have chosen; listen to him." When the voice had spoken, they found that Jesus was alone. The disciples kept this to themselves, and told no one at that time what they had seen.
Rev Titus Zhang shared on the verse on the Transfiguration of Jesus, and shared how Moses represented the Law and Elijah, the Prophets. And what then brings the Law, the Prophets and the cross together? Mat 22: 37, Jesus replied: " 'Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind.' This is the first and greatest commandment. 39And the second is like it: 'Love your neighbor as yourself.' All the Law and the Prophets hang on these two commandments."
Indeed, it is love. And when God calls us to listen to the word of our Lord, it is the message of love. On this very special day of Chinese New Year and Valentine's Day, such a message adds so much value to the occation, sharing a message of reunion, reconcilation and restoration. Praise be the God!!
Have a blessed Chinese New Year and to all lovers out there, have a Happy Valentine's Day :)
Thursday, February 11, 2010
Merlin!!
Haha...sorry...I'm a sucker for fantasy shows :) Thank God it only had 13 episodes, so not too much time wasted on the entertainment... 
Oh well, wish I too can conjure some magic to help me focus and be less distracted :P
Sunday, February 7, 2010
Thursday, February 4, 2010
THE MBBS
32 days and counting...*brrrr*
After the MBBS briefing, reality sets in once more. The final MBBS is near. Time is running short, yet the knowledge gaps only seem to get larger. More topics to cover, more p/e to brush up, essays to read, MCQ to do...arg!!! The fear is real!!!
Was practicing/sparring with Joel and Suriya in the wards eariler, realised how chui I was. Worst of it all was that I was getting weaker at the things that I had once known and was able to perform well. I was stumbling at the things I tot I was ok, and persistantly forgetting things that my friends had taught me (my heart aches each time Joel says "We just discussed that yesterday" and I completely forgotten). Yeah, feel like a burden to my friends (to Aaron/Ken too), not being able to contribute much to their learning, yet leeching from them...Ah, my heart is filled with thanksgiving everyday meet my patient and beloved friends.
Nonetheless, the fear is real...very real!!!
What fear?!?!? Fear of failing MBBS? To be honest, yes. As the exam draws near, I can sense the fear slowly creeping into my heart, stirring my soul. But when all the depressive and anxious emotions die down, I realised how foolish I was to fall into the devil's trap. Why fear? Was it the fear of losing face and hurting my ego? Was it the fear of having to repeat another 6mth? ... What useless fear!
The end point of my medical profession is to be a competent, compassionate, Christian doctor. The only reason I should fear, is the fear of not being able to be the doctor which God would want me to. MBBS is but a check-point to see if I was indeed able enough to be a safe HO, it is not the be all and end all. Thus, if I can't pass, that simply means I'm really not good enough. Period! And I'll give thanks for the extra time (and also that God has kept me from harming others) and jolly well buck up, to fill in the blanks.
Yes!! So what if I can't make it through this MBBS? Yeah I'm sure I'll be a little upset and disappointed, but I will just have to continue the run till the next check-point :)
Then Jacob made a vow, saying, "If God will be with me and will watch over me on this journey I am taking and will give me food to eat and clothes to wear so that I return safely to my father's house, then the LORD will be my God and this stone that I have set up as a pillar will be God's house, and of all that you give me I will give you a tenth." Gen 28:20-22
Indeed, this has been my prayer since M1, and just look at how God has provided for me all these years. What then should I fear, other than to disappoint my Lord! Father Lord, I commit myself and all my friends into your hands. Lead us all through the valley of the exams and teach us to become the doctors you want us to be.
To all my dear friends, jia you and press on!!!
After the MBBS briefing, reality sets in once more. The final MBBS is near. Time is running short, yet the knowledge gaps only seem to get larger. More topics to cover, more p/e to brush up, essays to read, MCQ to do...arg!!! The fear is real!!!
Was practicing/sparring with Joel and Suriya in the wards eariler, realised how chui I was. Worst of it all was that I was getting weaker at the things that I had once known and was able to perform well. I was stumbling at the things I tot I was ok, and persistantly forgetting things that my friends had taught me (my heart aches each time Joel says "We just discussed that yesterday" and I completely forgotten). Yeah, feel like a burden to my friends (to Aaron/Ken too), not being able to contribute much to their learning, yet leeching from them...Ah, my heart is filled with thanksgiving everyday meet my patient and beloved friends.
Nonetheless, the fear is real...very real!!!
What fear?!?!? Fear of failing MBBS? To be honest, yes. As the exam draws near, I can sense the fear slowly creeping into my heart, stirring my soul. But when all the depressive and anxious emotions die down, I realised how foolish I was to fall into the devil's trap. Why fear? Was it the fear of losing face and hurting my ego? Was it the fear of having to repeat another 6mth? ... What useless fear!
The end point of my medical profession is to be a competent, compassionate, Christian doctor. The only reason I should fear, is the fear of not being able to be the doctor which God would want me to. MBBS is but a check-point to see if I was indeed able enough to be a safe HO, it is not the be all and end all. Thus, if I can't pass, that simply means I'm really not good enough. Period! And I'll give thanks for the extra time (and also that God has kept me from harming others) and jolly well buck up, to fill in the blanks.
Yes!! So what if I can't make it through this MBBS? Yeah I'm sure I'll be a little upset and disappointed, but I will just have to continue the run till the next check-point :)
Then Jacob made a vow, saying, "If God will be with me and will watch over me on this journey I am taking and will give me food to eat and clothes to wear so that I return safely to my father's house, then the LORD will be my God and this stone that I have set up as a pillar will be God's house, and of all that you give me I will give you a tenth." Gen 28:20-22
Indeed, this has been my prayer since M1, and just look at how God has provided for me all these years. What then should I fear, other than to disappoint my Lord! Father Lord, I commit myself and all my friends into your hands. Lead us all through the valley of the exams and teach us to become the doctors you want us to be.
To all my dear friends, jia you and press on!!!
Wednesday, January 27, 2010
Psychiatry
Most people, including many in the medical profession, don't give psychiatry much respect. Some feel that the practice is very effy and hardly objective, others simply fear what they do not know (or know wrongly, thanks to the media). But the past few days in psychiatry has made me realise the importance of this speciality to others...and myself.
Psychiatry is the study of the of psychological conditions and simply put, is the study of the human mind ie how people think and why people think they way they think. With such understanding, one can objectively evaluate a person's thought process and thus appreciate his/her point of view hence improving the inter-personal interaction. More importantly, it has helped me to see people with psychiatric conditions with greater empathy and compassion.
For myself, thru my understanding of various psychiatric conditions, I begin to understand why I see certain things in certain ways, and thus help me put a word to my nameless emotions, giving them a etiology and thus a "mangement". It is a precious journey of self-discovery, which never fails to humble me in realisation of my great imperfection and weakness.
God works in beautiful ways indeed.
Psychiatry is the study of the of psychological conditions and simply put, is the study of the human mind ie how people think and why people think they way they think. With such understanding, one can objectively evaluate a person's thought process and thus appreciate his/her point of view hence improving the inter-personal interaction. More importantly, it has helped me to see people with psychiatric conditions with greater empathy and compassion.
For myself, thru my understanding of various psychiatric conditions, I begin to understand why I see certain things in certain ways, and thus help me put a word to my nameless emotions, giving them a etiology and thus a "mangement". It is a precious journey of self-discovery, which never fails to humble me in realisation of my great imperfection and weakness.
God works in beautiful ways indeed.
Sunday, January 24, 2010
Living on the Word
As my church duties finally come to a pause, me and Sam decided to emback on an advanture to visit various churches of different denominations. First stop : Paya Lebar Methodist Church!
I'm personally not very foriegn to the Methodist church, having been to Weasly Methodist a few times. There's much similarity between the Methodist service and my (Anglican) service, so it was quite easy to follow :) Had a sudden realisation that though we are churches of different denominations at different places, we worship the same God, read the same Bible and follow the same creed. We are a family under the universal chruch/banner of Jesus Chirst!
Coincidentally, Rev Jonathan Seet was sharing with the church today about cult and denomination. How do we know if a particular "Christian" organisation/institute/church is a cult or denomination? He pointed the importance of creeds (eg Nicene creed and the Apostle's creed) which forms the foundational defination of our faith. Anything that deviates from this creed is heresy and thus a cult. A reminder once again of the importance of knowing the creeds and treasuring them.
The sermon message today by Rev Lynette was equally thought-provoking. Though "Living in the Word" is no new message, it was a reminder of the importance of being deligent and faithful in reading God's word. I'm now into the 4th week of my disciplined QT (which started with the 1 week fasting, inspired by Sam n a painful encounter with God). Had commited to spend 1h every day with the Lord, but been failing here and there. Rev Lynette encouraged us not to feel guilty or worst, be legalistic about QT. Our attitude towards QT sld be a joyful and refreshing encounter, like reading a love letter from a loved one. Yes! I will continue to keep this commitment to my Lord, to be disciplined to hold His word close to my heart and living it our in my everyday life. Help me Father!
Yup, so it's an exciting day of visitation. But nonetheless, I do miss my own church and fellowship. It feels extremely werid and incomplete to simply walk out of church after the service (cos we didn't know anyone). Realised how much I actually treasure the fellowship with brothers and sisters, even though a short while after service...Ah, abscence makes the heart fonder :)
So a new week/posting begins. Father, I commit my life (and my dear's) into your hands!
I'm personally not very foriegn to the Methodist church, having been to Weasly Methodist a few times. There's much similarity between the Methodist service and my (Anglican) service, so it was quite easy to follow :) Had a sudden realisation that though we are churches of different denominations at different places, we worship the same God, read the same Bible and follow the same creed. We are a family under the universal chruch/banner of Jesus Chirst!
Coincidentally, Rev Jonathan Seet was sharing with the church today about cult and denomination. How do we know if a particular "Christian" organisation/institute/church is a cult or denomination? He pointed the importance of creeds (eg Nicene creed and the Apostle's creed) which forms the foundational defination of our faith. Anything that deviates from this creed is heresy and thus a cult. A reminder once again of the importance of knowing the creeds and treasuring them.
The sermon message today by Rev Lynette was equally thought-provoking. Though "Living in the Word" is no new message, it was a reminder of the importance of being deligent and faithful in reading God's word. I'm now into the 4th week of my disciplined QT (which started with the 1 week fasting, inspired by Sam n a painful encounter with God). Had commited to spend 1h every day with the Lord, but been failing here and there. Rev Lynette encouraged us not to feel guilty or worst, be legalistic about QT. Our attitude towards QT sld be a joyful and refreshing encounter, like reading a love letter from a loved one. Yes! I will continue to keep this commitment to my Lord, to be disciplined to hold His word close to my heart and living it our in my everyday life. Help me Father!
Yup, so it's an exciting day of visitation. But nonetheless, I do miss my own church and fellowship. It feels extremely werid and incomplete to simply walk out of church after the service (cos we didn't know anyone). Realised how much I actually treasure the fellowship with brothers and sisters, even though a short while after service...Ah, abscence makes the heart fonder :)
So a new week/posting begins. Father, I commit my life (and my dear's) into your hands!
Friday, January 15, 2010
Angst!!!!
Grrr.....
I know it's very immature of me to get all emotional and angry about such matters, but my heart is indeed filled with angstiness. Grr...the frustration of plans being foiled, of the helplessness before authority...ARG!!!
Oh Lord, teach me to be quick to listen, slow to speak, and even slower to anger. Keep me in your peace and let Saturn not have a foothold over me!
For interest sake:
angst: A feeling of acute but vague anxiety or apprehension often accompanied by depression, especially philosophical anxiety.
I know it's very immature of me to get all emotional and angry about such matters, but my heart is indeed filled with angstiness. Grr...the frustration of plans being foiled, of the helplessness before authority...ARG!!!
Oh Lord, teach me to be quick to listen, slow to speak, and even slower to anger. Keep me in your peace and let Saturn not have a foothold over me!
For interest sake:
angst: A feeling of acute but vague anxiety or apprehension often accompanied by depression, especially philosophical anxiety.
Saturday, January 9, 2010
A humbling profession
To all you doctors wanna bes, take heed! If you think that being a doctor is all about the glamour, think again! If you ain't ready to serve humbly, please don't take up the profession.
Friday, January 8, 2010
Rainbow!!!!
It has been a progressively down week.
Things started on Mon real bright and cheery. My life finally got into a discipline. 1h of quiet time, 1h of run and the rest studying (or trying, cos I'll be fighting 周公most of the time). Proud to be able to maintain this for 3 days.
But as the week progressed, I realised how much I didn't know, how lacking I was in my surgical knowledge. My clerking was lousy, missing out important points, not able to formulate differentials/risk factors/complications. Clinical examination skills were poor. It's as if my brain's jammed up, unable to focus or evaluate things. In addition, things I read simply slipped out of my mind. ARG!!! And MBBS is in a few weeks time. My medicine stuff is diffusing out, my ortho is extremely rusty and peads is non-exsistant.
I had a nightmare in the middle of the week. Dreamt that I passed MBBS, but on the first day of HO, my mind blanked out and I in a total lost, unable to manage my patients. Oh man!!! I woke up praying (and almost crying). May that day never come. May the Lord strengthen me and help me!
Then there is this whole residency thingy (and I tot is was all over after the submission). The authorities made a last min change (what's new?!?!?) and now we're "requested" to make a decision which SI we want. So I've been receiving so many calls and emails from the various SI inviting me to their open houses. My trust in the system has dwindled and I know that any information provided at this stage is "to be confirmed" and so am really reluctant to spend my time at the open houses. Furthermore, I have decided that I would like to experience working in ALL the hospitals at least once before making such an important decision.
But nonetheless, this episode has set me thinking of my future. Though I have already made to decision not to speciallise so soon, but all these has made me wonder if this is a right thing to do. Would my learning be comprimised? Would my chances of specialising be at stake? Is making a decision now so essential?
As Joel was driving me and Sam today, I was sharing these troubles and struggles with my beloved brothers. Just when I finished pouring out the pain, I looked to the sky and saw the most beautiful rainbow I've ever seen...and I felt like a prayer answered!! This is my prayer since M1 (inspired by Prof Tambyah):
"If God will be with me and will watch over me on this journey I am taking and will give me food to eat and clothes to wear so that I return safely to my father's house, then the LORD will be my God and this stone that I have set up as a pillar will be God's house, and of all that you give me I will give you a tenth." (Genisis 28:20-22)
Thank God for His faithfulness!!! The rainbow that signifies His promise and covenant. I knew at that moment that God WILL see me though this journey in medicine and would cloth and feed me as He promised. I had nothing to fear!!! It's all truly in His hands.
Things started on Mon real bright and cheery. My life finally got into a discipline. 1h of quiet time, 1h of run and the rest studying (or trying, cos I'll be fighting 周公most of the time). Proud to be able to maintain this for 3 days.
But as the week progressed, I realised how much I didn't know, how lacking I was in my surgical knowledge. My clerking was lousy, missing out important points, not able to formulate differentials/risk factors/complications. Clinical examination skills were poor. It's as if my brain's jammed up, unable to focus or evaluate things. In addition, things I read simply slipped out of my mind. ARG!!! And MBBS is in a few weeks time. My medicine stuff is diffusing out, my ortho is extremely rusty and peads is non-exsistant.
I had a nightmare in the middle of the week. Dreamt that I passed MBBS, but on the first day of HO, my mind blanked out and I in a total lost, unable to manage my patients. Oh man!!! I woke up praying (and almost crying). May that day never come. May the Lord strengthen me and help me!
Then there is this whole residency thingy (and I tot is was all over after the submission). The authorities made a last min change (what's new?!?!?) and now we're "requested" to make a decision which SI we want. So I've been receiving so many calls and emails from the various SI inviting me to their open houses. My trust in the system has dwindled and I know that any information provided at this stage is "to be confirmed" and so am really reluctant to spend my time at the open houses. Furthermore, I have decided that I would like to experience working in ALL the hospitals at least once before making such an important decision.
But nonetheless, this episode has set me thinking of my future. Though I have already made to decision not to speciallise so soon, but all these has made me wonder if this is a right thing to do. Would my learning be comprimised? Would my chances of specialising be at stake? Is making a decision now so essential?
As Joel was driving me and Sam today, I was sharing these troubles and struggles with my beloved brothers. Just when I finished pouring out the pain, I looked to the sky and saw the most beautiful rainbow I've ever seen...and I felt like a prayer answered!! This is my prayer since M1 (inspired by Prof Tambyah):
"If God will be with me and will watch over me on this journey I am taking and will give me food to eat and clothes to wear so that I return safely to my father's house, then the LORD will be my God and this stone that I have set up as a pillar will be God's house, and of all that you give me I will give you a tenth." (Genisis 28:20-22)
Thank God for His faithfulness!!! The rainbow that signifies His promise and covenant. I knew at that moment that God WILL see me though this journey in medicine and would cloth and feed me as He promised. I had nothing to fear!!! It's all truly in His hands.
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