An emptiness inside

Walking out of camp today, after a really meaningful and exciting week of work, I suddenly felt an empty hollow inside...

...many of my medics are going to ORD
...I am going to ORD (or at least going for a long leave/off/break)

Ah, an empty hollow in desperate need for the Lord to fill, and only He can fill.

But I realised how much I love my work and just how much I care...

Find me faithful

Nov 2011...Jan 2012...Oct 2012...

After all that has been done, after all the effort and energy that has been invested, after all the nights of prayer and planning, after all the painful struggle to consider what is right, after all the time sacrificed, after all the heart work to love and care, after all the inspiration from above and wisdom from the Wise...

I only pray that the Lord will find me faithful in this mission He has put me on.

I may not be able to transform all the lives of those under my care, I may not be able build positive relationships with all I interact, I may not have left a good name behind. But if the Lord finds me faithful, for that  1 starfish along the shore, a starfish at a time, all the effort is worth it.

Dear Lord, pls find me faithful :)

学习放手

原来放手是个如此难的功课。

感谢主让我学习放手的自由和解脱。当我把眼前的事物抓得越紧，我就放弃了对上帝的依靠。无形中，夹在自己肩头上的担子也就重了许多。

“也许曾渴望拥有，但你要我学习放手，在每一分钟”
是的，主啊，我愿意将我的全心交在你手中，毫无保留。让我的手一生抓紧你的手。

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The past week has been full of turmoil. I was running solo, taking on roles of x2 MO and x1 SM all at one go. Plus, it didn't help that so many things were happening that required my attention and by some unknown force, I had an increased load of patients and medical reviews. It was simply crazy and I was close to being driven mad. Day by day the stress piled up and I was close to break down. I was so uptight and high strung, snapping at any instance available. Things got so bad to the extend that I snapped at my own medics. I could barely smile, almost as if being happy would only drain me further.

And finally, I did snap. I could no longer see any more patients, I could no longer talk to anyone. I was giddy with anger, stress, tiredness, disappointment and helplessness. I was upset with myself for being in such a pitiful state, yet not being able to break free from it. I felt extremely under appreciated yet over demanded.  My heart ached and if not for me being in uniform, I could almost cry.

人的镜头是神的开始!

Indeed, God' grace and mercy is always sufficient and timely. Just as my world collapsed, He sent His angels  to support and help me. Friends came at the time of need to share my load. And, by God's grace, a common message they shared: "It is time to let go."

I struggled through the weekend with this in mind. How can I let go? I have already put so much effort into the work I have been doing. How can I just give up and let go? Would this be Biblical? Should I not be persevering in doing what is right, fighting for what is right? I stubbornly refused to let go. There must be another way...

But God disciplines those He loves and just like Jonah, He didn't just let me go. This morning, I was extremely late for service and I was the worship leader. I overslept cos I was up the whole night preparing for the slides. I need not have done that, but out of a personal desire, I held on blindly and did it anyway. But because I was late, much of the slides weren't projected. Instead, I was late and nearly caused the service to be disrupted.

Yes, I am holding on to too much. As a result, I become so burdened and stressed for no good reason. I want control, but yet the more control I hold, the more of it I loose. A taut thread will surely break one day. And with my hands closed up in a fist, I can no longer grab onto the only lifeline, the healing and saving hands of God.

I need to let go. Relax my grip on the things of this world. Let others have a chance to display their talents. Leave God space to work His miracles, and I, just sit back and stare in awe of His glory and grace. I need to let go and let God!

Dear Father, teach me to let go of  my grip on the world and let You take control. May Your peace and joy fill my heart once more, grant me patience and wisdom to not rush into things or be quick to control, but to let You take control of every situation, so that You will gain all glory and me, t just bask in Your glory. Amen.