不求外在苦难短减，只求内心力量加添

I felt like crying, but yet no tears came. I felt like having an angina, a deep physical aching in my heart, almost crushing in nature. I was faint, naueating and even close to syncope. The more my thoughts went by, the worse the symptoms...Sucide came to mind, but I thank God for sweeping it away almost instantly.

Why am I here suffering? Why do I have to subject myself to such agony? I could simply quit and leave all these behind and move on. I could simply live each day on "survival mode" and de uninterested in the work. But yet, I know I can't...

I can't...because God would not want me to.

It's into the 2nd month of my HOship. One would expect that I'm more experienced, more settled down into the system, more confident in dealing with patients and medically related stuff. But on the contrary, I realise day by day just how much I do not know, even simple "medical student" level stuff. More and more of my weakness are revealled in dangerous situations, often, to the extend of scaring myself. I am a dangerous doctor, a terrible curse to my patients and a burden to my colleagues.

So I sld just quit...

But many have reminded me that I am barely starting on this journey. There's so much I don't know, so much I need to learn. I know I am a slow learner, and wld have to humble in learning and a little more hardworking in picking up these skills on the job. But... ... I'm tired. Physically, mentally, emotionally...and even Spiritually tired. It's becoming a struggle everyday to keep up the positiveness, to remember why I am here every day.

But we worship an amazing God!!!! Many times, I am just so thankful for God's blessing and encouragements from His word. Indeed, we serve not out of what we have, but out of an overflowing of the Lord's blessing. His Spirit fills us so abundantly that we simply outflow with His joy and grace. Therefore, He is glorified through our weakness (as Paul puts it nicely)!!!! What an amazing encouragement!!!

These days I feel like giving up, to just slack and care-less, to just live life my own way, disregarding everyone else. But God reminds and reprimands me, that I worship Him. He encourages me, that He who begin the good work, will see to its beautiful completion!!! And so, here is my prayer : 不求外在苦难短减，只求内心力量加添!

All glory to God alone!!!