So many things has happened recently...As I'm being challenged to question what evangelism means, and in light of a hurting friend, another in grief, God has brought me through many a painful lesson.
God has been so merciful, to pick this wretched soul, this useless mud pile to mould it into a pottery worthy for His use. I've been so caught up with myself, trying to find my own answer to questions of life, trying to sort things out my own way. But the answer has been staring at me for so long, just that I simply refuse to turn to it.
Like the authour of Ecc, I've been chasing after the wind. My life purpose was no longer founded on the Rock, but on the sandy ground of guilt/resentment/fear/ materialism/meeting other's expectations "And I saw that all labor and all achievement spring from man's envy of his neighbor. This too is meaningless, a chasing after the wind." Ecclesiastes 4:4 That's exactly what I have been!!!
My eyes have turned away from God to Man to Self...O Lord, turn my eyes back to You!!! May I picture Your salvation work and run towards it once more!!!
Sunday, November 30, 2008
Friday, November 28, 2008
Love them like Jesus...
you’re straining for words
You’re trying to make sense of it all
They’re desperate for hope, darkness clouding their view
They’re looking to you
carry them to Him
His yoke is easy, His burden is light
You don’t need the answers to all of life’s questions
Just know that He loves them and stay by their side
Love them like Jesus...
Saturday, November 15, 2008
日有所思，夜有所梦
ARG!!! I'm down with pharyngitis again!!! Started with a mild sore throat this morning and now progressed to low grade fever with severe sore throat, greenish yellow mucus and dry cough...
Anyway, I doped myself with Fedac, paracetamol and serratiopeptidase and went to sleep...
And guess what, my entire dream was about me and my friends clerking the wards over and over again...(maybe it had something to do with the fever Tmax=38.0)
Haha, just this morning I was missing the wards :) missing the interaction with patients (I've always loved to be part of the lives of others, if God willing, to positively impact other's lives), feeling that as a responsible med student, I sld be clerking. But yet I didn't go to the wards in the end (thou many of my friends did) cos 1. I was sick 2. had some unknown apprehension towards clerking...
Guess a friend's email re rejection by patients hit some part of me. Part of the reason of my growing fear of clerking was the increased apprehension towards ppl in general. Seems that I'm losing that 'thick-skiness' to interact with patients, yet I long and yearn to build this rapport with ppl...haha, another struggle...another reason wld be that I feel that every chance to clerk n p/e was so precious, and I sld treasure and make the most of it. But I'm just so ill prepared everytime (cos lazy, nvr read/practice beforehand)...but sill, that sld be no excuse to not clerking, cos that's the best way to learn!!!
Ah!!! God must be speaking to me in dreams :) I'll go clerk and faithfully follow up all my patients next week. May the Lord fill me with the strength, enthusiasm and compassion!!
Arg, sore throat...pain pain pain!!!
Anyway, I doped myself with Fedac, paracetamol and serratiopeptidase and went to sleep...
And guess what, my entire dream was about me and my friends clerking the wards over and over again...(maybe it had something to do with the fever Tmax=38.0)
Haha, just this morning I was missing the wards :) missing the interaction with patients (I've always loved to be part of the lives of others, if God willing, to positively impact other's lives), feeling that as a responsible med student, I sld be clerking. But yet I didn't go to the wards in the end (thou many of my friends did) cos 1. I was sick 2. had some unknown apprehension towards clerking...
Guess a friend's email re rejection by patients hit some part of me. Part of the reason of my growing fear of clerking was the increased apprehension towards ppl in general. Seems that I'm losing that 'thick-skiness' to interact with patients, yet I long and yearn to build this rapport with ppl...haha, another struggle...another reason wld be that I feel that every chance to clerk n p/e was so precious, and I sld treasure and make the most of it. But I'm just so ill prepared everytime (cos lazy, nvr read/practice beforehand)...but sill, that sld be no excuse to not clerking, cos that's the best way to learn!!!
Ah!!! God must be speaking to me in dreams :) I'll go clerk and faithfully follow up all my patients next week. May the Lord fill me with the strength, enthusiasm and compassion!!
Arg, sore throat...pain pain pain!!!
Sunday, November 9, 2008
I am the branch, and Christ the vine
"I am the true vine, and my Father is the gardener. He cuts off every branch in me that bears no fruit, while every branch that does bear fruit he prunes so that it will be even more fruitful. You are already clean because of the word I have spoken to you. Remain in me, and I will remain in you. No branch can bear fruit by itself; it must remain in the vine. Neither can you bear fruit unless you remain in me.
"I am the vine; you are the branches. If a man remains in me and I in him, he will bear much fruit; apart from me you can do nothing. If anyone does not remain in me, he is like a branch that is thrown away and withers; such branches are picked up, thrown into the fire and burned. If you remain in me and my words remain in you, ask whatever you wish, and it will be given you. This is to my Father's glory, that you bear much fruit, showing yourselves to be my disciples.
John 15 1:8
Feeling like a brach soon to be detached from the vine...
Help me Lord!!! Keep me in your love and mercy!!!
"I am the vine; you are the branches. If a man remains in me and I in him, he will bear much fruit; apart from me you can do nothing. If anyone does not remain in me, he is like a branch that is thrown away and withers; such branches are picked up, thrown into the fire and burned. If you remain in me and my words remain in you, ask whatever you wish, and it will be given you. This is to my Father's glory, that you bear much fruit, showing yourselves to be my disciples.
John 15 1:8
Feeling like a brach soon to be detached from the vine...
Help me Lord!!! Keep me in your love and mercy!!!
Thursday, November 6, 2008
To love and hate someone
Dear friend,
Never knew it could be possible to love someone yet dread to be in the presence of him. But now I know, it's such a painful struggle...the terrible conflict of wanting to care/love/reach out yet finding it so difficult cos I want nothing gd for you...
It's been like that for goodness knows how long...Everytime I'm with you, I have the errking sensation, but at the same time, my mind reminds me to love you. I wear a smile and everything seems fine. But inside, a storm is raging, a war ongoing...You are a beloved friend, I really love you...but this opposing feeling...it's hurting...
Yet, I can't explain...
As the "bad emo" (I'll call tat for now) increases, my brain reflects everything you do in a negetive light. I've got to consciously tune my brain to be understanding, keep telling myself, tat's who you are and I've got to love you for who you are. In the process of the inner struggle, there must have been subtle signs tat give me away. I've become more aware of them...You are no 3 yr old and I'm sure you've noticed them. As much as I try to hide them, to fight them, to overcome them, I've often been on the losing end. Every time tat happens, I hit myself and ask "Why did I do that?"...yet, I lack the courage and strength to remady things...to say sorry...
I've been praying really hard...I tot it was my pride, for things started out with this unknown jealosy/envy when I'm with you. I prayed that God wld humble me, to take away my pride and help me to love you in completeness. But the "bad emo" grew...It was only recently when one enlightened me, tat as we grew closer to each other, we see a deeper side of each other, which may be unexpected...some times conflicting...
Dearest beloved friend, I'm still trapped and not knowing what's wrong. All I can ask is your forgiveness and understanding. I regret not having the courage to tell you face-to-face, for I fear the hurt that you'll have to bear. For now, pls pray for me and with me, that our Father in heaven, who built this friendship, will restore and bless it.
Father Lord, in my helplessness, I look to you, my hope and strength.
Never knew it could be possible to love someone yet dread to be in the presence of him. But now I know, it's such a painful struggle...the terrible conflict of wanting to care/love/reach out yet finding it so difficult cos I want nothing gd for you...
It's been like that for goodness knows how long...Everytime I'm with you, I have the errking sensation, but at the same time, my mind reminds me to love you. I wear a smile and everything seems fine. But inside, a storm is raging, a war ongoing...You are a beloved friend, I really love you...but this opposing feeling...it's hurting...
Yet, I can't explain...
As the "bad emo" (I'll call tat for now) increases, my brain reflects everything you do in a negetive light. I've got to consciously tune my brain to be understanding, keep telling myself, tat's who you are and I've got to love you for who you are. In the process of the inner struggle, there must have been subtle signs tat give me away. I've become more aware of them...You are no 3 yr old and I'm sure you've noticed them. As much as I try to hide them, to fight them, to overcome them, I've often been on the losing end. Every time tat happens, I hit myself and ask "Why did I do that?"...yet, I lack the courage and strength to remady things...to say sorry...
I've been praying really hard...I tot it was my pride, for things started out with this unknown jealosy/envy when I'm with you. I prayed that God wld humble me, to take away my pride and help me to love you in completeness. But the "bad emo" grew...It was only recently when one enlightened me, tat as we grew closer to each other, we see a deeper side of each other, which may be unexpected...some times conflicting...
Dearest beloved friend, I'm still trapped and not knowing what's wrong. All I can ask is your forgiveness and understanding. I regret not having the courage to tell you face-to-face, for I fear the hurt that you'll have to bear. For now, pls pray for me and with me, that our Father in heaven, who built this friendship, will restore and bless it.
Father Lord, in my helplessness, I look to you, my hope and strength.
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