A child again

I thank God.

For reminding me, that im just a child in His eyes. a child, learning to grow, preciously held, stubborn at times, yet loved.

Indeed, todays intro bible study has revealled so much inside me. declaring God's glory was the title, n I tot, I ve heard so much about it in cf, wats new? n God, thru Sarah, slapped me real hard wif this "If we think we know God's glory, then we are truly blind". I tot i had a wealth of christian experience, of better christian knowledge than others. but i suddenly realised, painfully, that all these did not matter.

My life has been increasing devoid of God. i m losing the very innocence n joy of having faith n trusting in God. my r/s wif others,is soon taking up a senior/superior form "i ve got income", "I've got knowledge", "I'm a doctor, u are not"

Even in church ministry, I think I m spirtually way ahead, served in so many vocations, had much bible study n lessons. but God has helped me realise that i m no more than a child, learning to serve n love Him again.

At work, I realise MBBS is really nothing. i have almost forgotten all the knowledge n skills i ve gain. Indeed, as I work (and see my seniors) work (or even my juniors around practicing), I think they are so much better me. I am a dangerous doctor...and the greatest danger is that I don't recognise the danger.

I don't want to grow up

Talked to andrew earlier, n realised just how much i dont want to grow.

Andrew suggested tat i do some tough speciality n get good training. my mind sings the same song, but my heart is so weary about it. after going thru these months of pain, i dont really want to suffer it again. i just want a break!!! but do i need it?

Then here we are thinking about our xiaozhu's future, about finding a new leader, n fang yu suggested that being a leader is a good spiritual training, n i realised how much i dread growing up too *thanks zhengxin for e massage*

I have been wanting to take up the role of being a grp leader, but i know i cant. i dont have a clear burden, no direction. but i think back about the joys of leading cf, and i wonder why i cant do it now?

Ah, not to forget gcube. Did I not joined gcube cos I wanted to struggle and work out my faith? but i have been so dorment and inactive. Where has all the drive and passion gone? Where has the passion to grow in the Lord gone?

I dont want to grow up!!! i have not e courage to take up new burden, no heart to learn, no will to take the road of suffering...

But yet i know i must. i know God will want me to. but my heart...it is so weak, so waery...oh Lord, save me, speak to me n grant me the courage to move on. if not, my life wld crumble, my relationships will fail n my faith will be non-existance.

Father, pls also give me wisdom to learn n know where u wld want me to put my energies in. teach me to seek ur kingdom, ur will n to follow ur direction. help me Lord.\par}