A beautiful song that sings of my sould in the current situation:
I’m far away from what I’ve known
And there’s static on the radio
Just a girl in a car on a lonely highway
I’ve been up and down this winding road
It’s getting dark, the stores are closed
The map is wrinkled, my coffee’s turned to grey
But I’m on my way, I’m on my way
There seems to be no end in sight
But I know I’ll be alright
‘Cos I’m on my way, I’m on my way
Sweet embrace, I’m on my way
So many beat-up cars on this dirt road
I see them sputter and start to choke
How many miles must I go till I rest in Your grace
I feel like giving up and letting go
Let the world invade my mind, my soul
Will this road make me, a sinner or a saint
But I’m on my way, I’m on my way
There seems to be no end in sight
But I know I’ll be alright
‘Cos I’m on my way, I’m on my way
Don’t give up on me, I’m on my way
I can picture your smiling face
Your arms stretched to hold me
Waiting there by the gate
If I ever get lost
I know that you’ll find me
There’s a cross on a hill saying “Do not be afraid.”
I’m on my way
If I keep you in my sight
I know I’ll be alright
"On my way" by Corrine May
Sunday, September 26, 2010
Wednesday, September 22, 2010
Devastated and helpless
When your most loved one becomes a patient, what should you do?
When all medical knowledge points towards death, how do you find hope?
Time is running short. There seems to be nothing I can do.
Father, in moments like this, I call out to You!!! You are the God of miracles, and I believe in You.
When all medical knowledge points towards death, how do you find hope?
Time is running short. There seems to be nothing I can do.
Father, in moments like this, I call out to You!!! You are the God of miracles, and I believe in You.
Monday, September 20, 2010
I hate my life!!!
I have come to somewhat a conclusion...I hate my life.
No, it's not that I hate living, but rather, I hate the way my life is being lived. Over the past weeks since I started my new posting, I have been living with many regrets I can hardly pen them down...reget not spending time with my loved ones, regret not loving my family more, regret being so tired and snappy outside of work, regret missing important occations, regret becoming more and more implosive...and soon, maybe...even to regret being a doctor...
My work has taken away so much of my time and energy. What's left is spent sleeping so that I can work again the next day. The more I think about, I find myself in such a pathetic and pitiful state. I put in my effort and love for others, at the expense of my loved ones. I try to do my best for my patients (even thou sometimes it may be rather unreasonable), but what am I doing for my loved ones? I have decreased interaction with my family (even my sis asked why she hasnt' seen me for so so long), I'm so tired when I do see my family, I become so snappy at them...I feel like an unfilial bastard, only taking from my family and giving nothing...Yes, I hate myself.
And my friends...I haven't seen my dear cabbages for close to a month. It was painfully and deeply painful when I heard that 2 dear friends are engaged. Not that I don't want them to be engaged (it s a great and joyous news...finally :P ), but that I can't be there to share in their joy :( I haven't been to church since 1 Sep.
Last but not least, I feel increasingly detached from God. I haven't been to church, but more than that, I find my prayers so so self centered, so much about my suffering, my pain. Though I pray (or rather cry out in distress), it's me that centers my prayer. Quiet time is so limited, cos I'm just so so tired when I sit down and be quiet, my eyes can't pass even 2 sentences. I'm living on "past reserves" and verses my dear friends constantly msg me. Sometimes, I even fill that cup of blessing deminishing, though my mind always reminds me, His grace is sufficient for me...
But indeed, God's grace is sufficient for me!!! Though it has been stormy and gloomy, God's light never ceases to shine through the rain. He has shown me so many miracles, revealing His power in ways I cannot image and holding me up each time I fall. God is good...all the time!!! If not for His strength, I would not even be able to live for another second. If not by His grace, I would have just let go and given up. If not for His faithfulness, life would have been meaningless.
Becase He lives, I can face tomorrow!!!
Oh Lord, be my ever present strength and joy in every circumstances, so I may shine for you, at home and at work.
No, it's not that I hate living, but rather, I hate the way my life is being lived. Over the past weeks since I started my new posting, I have been living with many regrets I can hardly pen them down...reget not spending time with my loved ones, regret not loving my family more, regret being so tired and snappy outside of work, regret missing important occations, regret becoming more and more implosive...and soon, maybe...even to regret being a doctor...
My work has taken away so much of my time and energy. What's left is spent sleeping so that I can work again the next day. The more I think about, I find myself in such a pathetic and pitiful state. I put in my effort and love for others, at the expense of my loved ones. I try to do my best for my patients (even thou sometimes it may be rather unreasonable), but what am I doing for my loved ones? I have decreased interaction with my family (even my sis asked why she hasnt' seen me for so so long), I'm so tired when I do see my family, I become so snappy at them...I feel like an unfilial bastard, only taking from my family and giving nothing...Yes, I hate myself.
And my friends...I haven't seen my dear cabbages for close to a month. It was painfully and deeply painful when I heard that 2 dear friends are engaged. Not that I don't want them to be engaged (it s a great and joyous news...finally :P ), but that I can't be there to share in their joy :( I haven't been to church since 1 Sep.
Last but not least, I feel increasingly detached from God. I haven't been to church, but more than that, I find my prayers so so self centered, so much about my suffering, my pain. Though I pray (or rather cry out in distress), it's me that centers my prayer. Quiet time is so limited, cos I'm just so so tired when I sit down and be quiet, my eyes can't pass even 2 sentences. I'm living on "past reserves" and verses my dear friends constantly msg me. Sometimes, I even fill that cup of blessing deminishing, though my mind always reminds me, His grace is sufficient for me...
But indeed, God's grace is sufficient for me!!! Though it has been stormy and gloomy, God's light never ceases to shine through the rain. He has shown me so many miracles, revealing His power in ways I cannot image and holding me up each time I fall. God is good...all the time!!! If not for His strength, I would not even be able to live for another second. If not by His grace, I would have just let go and given up. If not for His faithfulness, life would have been meaningless.
Becase He lives, I can face tomorrow!!!
Oh Lord, be my ever present strength and joy in every circumstances, so I may shine for you, at home and at work.
Friday, September 10, 2010
The journey of the cross
No one said the journey of the cross would be easy.
But I never knew it could be so difficult and even painful....
Things were so terrible one night, I simply collapsed in the lift in tears and prayer. When the door openned, I ran out straight to the staff toilet in fear of being seen. It has been painful and stressful, to be in such an unfamiliar system, to work with unfamiliar faces, to realise that there's so much that I don't know, to be petrified by the fact I am a danger and burden to others...worst still, I started to see just how the stress at work is eating into me, sucking out every ounce of joy and love that I have. I become so tired/stressed/paralysed that even a simple simle becomes so difficult.
I begin to wonder, maybe I should just quit. One senior once said, why choose tough postings to suffer? Sld just get the slack postings and relax, enjoy life. I look at that now and wonder what's wrong with that? I'm so swamped now at work that I simply become a work machine, struggling to complete changes. Patients are no longer people but cases I need to attend to (must not miss out otherwise senior not happy). Nurses become classified into those that help and those that don't, rather than friends and partners. I no longer have the time or energy to sit down and slowly speak to ptn or to even smile and make friends. Everything must be done...and fast...stat...No love, no compassion, just get the job done (without getting a complain). The motivation to work each day becomes to satistfy seniors rather than to practice medicine. It's chillingly painful, yet a stark reality.
My family is almost cast aside. I leave home before the rest of the household wakes up and return when everyone is asleep. Dad, dagu and ergu have to wake up with me at 430am to prepare breakfast for me, yet I don't even have time to smile and say thanks when the taxi horns for me downstairs. Don't have time to share my siblings problems, don't have the energy to wish loved ones happy birthday. And my dear, just how long have we not spoken, not seen each other. How I miss her, to see her... They say it's a choice, if you choose to do something, you will make time for it..but this thought has become shackles weighing me down with guilt. I become more sucked and stuck down.
Prayers are minimised from shining for God to a simple "Oh Lord, help me survive the day". QT is almost non existant. I take out my Bible and soon find my mind so overwhelmingly occupied with the stress at work I can't even settle down myself to reflect and meditate. Even if i had the time to open the Bible, I simply fall asleep before even crossing 3 sentences.
Work...work...work...where is God in all these? Where is the love that I had hoped to give? How can I be a blessing to others when I am so useless, unexperienced, careless and weak? I become increasingly paralysed with fear, at times so paralysed I fear to even speak (in case I say something gravely wrong or stupid). I become sucked into the comfort zone that seems to be shrinking by the day...
Maybe I should really quit...
I can't quit my work...so maybe I sld just quit being nice. Or trying to...
Maybe it's ok to just do changes without feeling for ptns, maybe it's ok not to be nice to others, maybe it's ok to just treat work like work...Maybe...it's ok not to be a Christian at work...
....
NO!!!!
This IS the path God has set me on. This IS the road that i have choosen to take. This IS the journey to the cross!!! Jesus carried His cross to Calvary and now I shall carry my cross to Heaven.
Then He said to them all "If anyone would come after me, he must deny himself and take up his cross daily and follow me. For whoever wants to save his life will lose it, but whoever loses his life for me will save it. What good is it for a man to gain the whole world, yet lose or forfeit his very self? " Luke 9:22-23
This is the journey of the cross.
I praise and thank God for helping me see just how every day's struggle is drawing me closer to Him. At each obstacle I encounter, God is there, ready to shape and chistle me. Indeed, like Paul said, in our weakness God's glory is magnified! I am the clay in the Potter's hand, and though it will be painful being moulded and shaped, I want to be shaped into that perfect artwork my Potter has in mind.
Father, I thank you for placing me where I am. Though it has been (and will probably be) tough/painful and stressful, Lord I pray you strengthen me and fill me with Your Spirit. For Father, I serve not out of what I have, but out of the overflowing blessing inside me. And you alone are the source of blessings. Give me wisdom to learn fast, prioritise, be sensitive to dangerous signs/symptoms. Fill me with your love and joy, that I can love and bring joy to others. I thank you for the seniors and many friends you have placed around me, being so encouraging and supportive. Father, help me hold the cross at my workplace, that all will see and know You are God!!!
Amen
But I never knew it could be so difficult and even painful....
Things were so terrible one night, I simply collapsed in the lift in tears and prayer. When the door openned, I ran out straight to the staff toilet in fear of being seen. It has been painful and stressful, to be in such an unfamiliar system, to work with unfamiliar faces, to realise that there's so much that I don't know, to be petrified by the fact I am a danger and burden to others...worst still, I started to see just how the stress at work is eating into me, sucking out every ounce of joy and love that I have. I become so tired/stressed/paralysed that even a simple simle becomes so difficult.
I begin to wonder, maybe I should just quit. One senior once said, why choose tough postings to suffer? Sld just get the slack postings and relax, enjoy life. I look at that now and wonder what's wrong with that? I'm so swamped now at work that I simply become a work machine, struggling to complete changes. Patients are no longer people but cases I need to attend to (must not miss out otherwise senior not happy). Nurses become classified into those that help and those that don't, rather than friends and partners. I no longer have the time or energy to sit down and slowly speak to ptn or to even smile and make friends. Everything must be done...and fast...stat...No love, no compassion, just get the job done (without getting a complain). The motivation to work each day becomes to satistfy seniors rather than to practice medicine. It's chillingly painful, yet a stark reality.
My family is almost cast aside. I leave home before the rest of the household wakes up and return when everyone is asleep. Dad, dagu and ergu have to wake up with me at 430am to prepare breakfast for me, yet I don't even have time to smile and say thanks when the taxi horns for me downstairs. Don't have time to share my siblings problems, don't have the energy to wish loved ones happy birthday. And my dear, just how long have we not spoken, not seen each other. How I miss her, to see her... They say it's a choice, if you choose to do something, you will make time for it..but this thought has become shackles weighing me down with guilt. I become more sucked and stuck down.
Prayers are minimised from shining for God to a simple "Oh Lord, help me survive the day". QT is almost non existant. I take out my Bible and soon find my mind so overwhelmingly occupied with the stress at work I can't even settle down myself to reflect and meditate. Even if i had the time to open the Bible, I simply fall asleep before even crossing 3 sentences.
Work...work...work...where is God in all these? Where is the love that I had hoped to give? How can I be a blessing to others when I am so useless, unexperienced, careless and weak? I become increasingly paralysed with fear, at times so paralysed I fear to even speak (in case I say something gravely wrong or stupid). I become sucked into the comfort zone that seems to be shrinking by the day...
Maybe I should really quit...
I can't quit my work...so maybe I sld just quit being nice. Or trying to...
Maybe it's ok to just do changes without feeling for ptns, maybe it's ok not to be nice to others, maybe it's ok to just treat work like work...Maybe...it's ok not to be a Christian at work...
....
NO!!!!
This IS the path God has set me on. This IS the road that i have choosen to take. This IS the journey to the cross!!! Jesus carried His cross to Calvary and now I shall carry my cross to Heaven.
Then He said to them all "If anyone would come after me, he must deny himself and take up his cross daily and follow me. For whoever wants to save his life will lose it, but whoever loses his life for me will save it. What good is it for a man to gain the whole world, yet lose or forfeit his very self? " Luke 9:22-23
This is the journey of the cross.
I praise and thank God for helping me see just how every day's struggle is drawing me closer to Him. At each obstacle I encounter, God is there, ready to shape and chistle me. Indeed, like Paul said, in our weakness God's glory is magnified! I am the clay in the Potter's hand, and though it will be painful being moulded and shaped, I want to be shaped into that perfect artwork my Potter has in mind.
Father, I thank you for placing me where I am. Though it has been (and will probably be) tough/painful and stressful, Lord I pray you strengthen me and fill me with Your Spirit. For Father, I serve not out of what I have, but out of the overflowing blessing inside me. And you alone are the source of blessings. Give me wisdom to learn fast, prioritise, be sensitive to dangerous signs/symptoms. Fill me with your love and joy, that I can love and bring joy to others. I thank you for the seniors and many friends you have placed around me, being so encouraging and supportive. Father, help me hold the cross at my workplace, that all will see and know You are God!!!
Amen
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