I luv SG

Happy birthday Singapore! 

Its the time of the year when I feel my insides swell with patriotism. Year after year, as I watch the NDP, I never fail to dream of being part of the marching contingent, of playing a part in the nation's birthday celebration. Even when I was serving my NS, I wanted to volunteer to cover NDP, but oh well...

As I finish my NS, that bubble burst, revealling reality. But that dream still remains strong, just finding a different form. I begin to explore the possiblity of joining politics :) but that too is a bubble which quickly bursts as the responsibilities are far beyond what I can bear, the qualities required I lack greatly, n I certainly have no calling/burden from the Higher HQ.

So how can I love my country? How can I put my internal patriotism into reality? How I step out of my dream n make it come true? How can I be a blessing to my community?

As I walked thru the market after my 10km run, I saw the elderly folk, the disabled selling tissue, singing at the corner of the street n God gave me a part of the answer...start by loving and accepting the marginalised of the society. Yes, accepting n loving, not just tolerating...just yesterday fangyu n I were discussing this about our church. But how? 

- small scale: serving in karunaya clinic, volunteering my medical services. Have I even been faithful in these areas of service God calls me? Though these may seem small scale, he who is faithful in small matters will be faithful in big matters.

- larger scale: medical policies. But I'm greatly lacking in knowledge of even existing policies n lack a macro view of things. Don't think I'll make a food policy maker...but at least start to know?

Part 2: 先有家才有国. Yes, I need to learn to love my family, know how to teach my children. On a larger context, my Spiritual family: as a 执事, how can serve my church in making the right decisions, carrying for the community, n being a good steward of God's resources? There is much I still have to learn.

And above all, learning to pray for my country. Honestly, I have taken our good government, sercurity n prosperity for granted. Must always remember that all that we have is a gift from God n not a result of man's efforts. Must not forget our painful history n the sacrifices our forefathers made thru the nation building years.

Indeed, Father, thank you for blessing our nation with 48 years of stability, growth n prosperity. I pray that you would continue to bless our government with wisdom n compassion to lead our nation. I pray for my fellow Singaporeans, tat we wld treasure what we have now, not forgetting our past n be united to face the challenges ahead.

My dearest Singapore and beloved country, happy birthday! May u continue to shine n be a blessing to others :)

Never Forget

Just ran another 10km. Took 1h04min. Can certainly be better, but this is already the best I have ran. Still felt like I could ran somemore...it was a great feeling, a swelling of satisfaction n pride within me. I can do it...no, I did it! I'm on the way to fitness n good looks. I was leaving the old weak fat chubby me...I am much better...

And suddenly, I walked past the garden where I used to struggle even completing a round, past the slope I named "slope of faith". I remembered back in sec school when I was so weak n dreaded sports cos I felt I would never excel in it. I recalled running rounds in the garden, with 爷爷, struggling each time n feeling so accomplised even after completing a 400m run. I remember the pain n dread each time I ran up the 200m slope. I would be praying every step of it, singing "mountain of God" n drawing strength from Him.

...even though the journey is long, and I know the road is tough. Well the one who had gone before me, He will help me carry on...

It suddenly dawned upon me. I have forgotten all these struggles n pain. I have forgotten all the encouragements God gave given me. I have forgotten the passion/skill/perseverence/courage to face the impossible...worst of all, I have forgotten the One who has brought me thru all these struggles, to the confident self I am today.

It's scary just how easy our hearts are prone to wonder. It is terrifying how we forget the God who had blessed us, when we are so blessed. No wonder the writer of proverbs wrote 

“Two things I ask of you, Lord ; do not refuse me before I die: Keep falsehood and lies far from me; give me neither poverty nor riches, but give me only my daily bread. Otherwise, I may have too much and disown you and say, ‘Who is the Lord ?’ Or I may become poor and steal, and so dishonor the name of my God.

Proverbs 30:7-9 NIV

Father, may this be my prayer too. Help me to never forget. Amen

Career path ahead

Was reading the latest issue of SMA on this remarkably courageous surgical reg turn PGY1 cos she wanted to pursue her passion. As she describes just how tough and humbling it is to be considered an MO or extremely junior doctor when she is actually so much more competent, and her courage to persevere on this goal and path despite all the challenges, I am brought back to the point of considering whether to sign on to residency.

I have heard so much about the residency programme. Deep inside, I still frown upon it as it is an unfair and unjust system, causing so much segregation and resentment within the medical community. It protects those within it and ostracizes those that are not. Non residents have to bear more unearthly working hours, have less opportunity to receive training, get less benefits (cos we have an employer who simply doesn't care for our welfare). It creates a facade that those not in the residency are sub-standard doctors, non specialist... I too have been a victim of this system, simply because I want to be a better doctor by spending some time to explore my interest and strengths, choosing a specialty where I can be the greatest blessing to others. Many of my peers too have been penalised for not joining the residency programme for reasons that I feel are more courageous and righteous.

Yet, I do not deny that the residency programme has it's pros. Having a structured programme integrating work and training with the relevant specialty posstings is a beautiful combination for many trainees. It would certainly enhance my knowledge, skill and experience. However, having spoken to friends in the programme, they have shared the many challenges eg constant change of postings, being seen as second class citizen in the non related specialties etc.

Residency or not? I guess the bigger question to ask is what God wants to do with my life? What do I envision His calling for me will be and where does my burden and passion lie. Having gone through 3 years of clinical practice, I have found my passion to be in chronic and community care...and also in teaching. As such, it seems like family medicine is the best way forward

Why do we serve?

Training to be soldiers, fight for our land.
Once in our life, 2 years of time.
Have you ever wondered, why must we serve?

Many NSF will recall this song fondly, though not all pleasantly :) Some will even be asking themselves this question throughout their NSF life. Why must we serve? Why must we waste 2 years of our lives in an organisation that we don't know (some don't even fully support or agree to), doing things which we didn't want, or worse still, wasting our talents away (I have seen so many with great potential, but simply placed in the wrong voccation and thus wasted away). We are all forced into conscription, mostly against our will and plans.

I found myself answering this qns, for myself and my medics through my term as MOIC.

Col 3:23 - 24
"Whatever you do, work at it with all your heart, as working for the Lord, not for human masters,since you know that you will receive an inheritance from the Lord as a reward. It is the Lord Christ you are serving."

We certainly don't serve the organisation. Being in this organisation for a while, I have come to realise just how much injustice and unfairness there is in the system. The hardworking are rewarded with more work/responsibilities (and with it all the consequences), while the lazy are rewarded with more free time. Furthermore, the regulars (ie those hired by the organisation) seem to comfortably settle in their roles to utilize and optimize their free labour (ie the conscripted NSFs)...and the system allows/promotes such behaviour!

So why do we serve?
Cos we love our land...

Indeed, it is for love that we serve, love for our nation, love for our family, love for our friends. I find myself going to camp everyday, doing more than what I am expected because of the people that God has placed before me. I want to be a testimony for Him before my medics, I want to be a blessing to them even where it may be difficult. I want them to have a memorable NS life, to learn and gain something out of these 2 years and not just waste their precious time away. My medical centre became my mission field, a harvest field where God has placed me.

Looking back, I am just so amazed and thankful how God has led me through my tour as MOIC. He has blessed me with a wonderful team of medics, He has given me so many opportunities to reach out to them and bless them, to stand between the gap of the living (my guys, the patients that I served) and the dead (the rotten organisation). Through this experience, I have also gained and learnt much...and pretty blessed as well.

Father, thank you for a very fulfilling and memorable NS life. Thank you for Your every blessing and guidance. I pray that I have been a good testimony for you, and inspired/encouraged/developed my medics in the way you have desired. I pray that you would continue to look after all my medics and help them grow to know you more. May they find joy and fulfillment in their lives, to be a blessing to others. Above all, may they came to accept you as their personal saviour, to receive all the blessings you have prepared for them. Amen!

Be a light that shines in the darkness

Just woke up from a rare birthday afternoon nap after a very vivid and real dream. Can't remember the details of the dream, but I last recalled praying in my dream. The message from the dream was loud and clear : Be a light that shines in the darkness.

...and I woke up with a smile, and prayed.

Call it a vision from God or 日有所思，夜有所梦. How rare it is for me to have afternoon naps, and how special it is that today is my birthday. I am certain this a is definitely a special birthday message from God, a reminder, a calling, an encouragement, a direction..."Be a light for me, to shine in the darkness".

Indeed, since I returned to work, this thought of being a visible and living testimony of Christ has been going through my mind. Maybe it is cos I'm very self conscious, maybe it is cos of my shocking bright neon pink crocs, maybe it is cos of some self-assurance...but whatever it is, I have been brought through many situations that made  me pause and think about how I am testifying God's love before others.

Matthew 5: 14-16
¹⁴ “You are the light of the world. A town built on a hill cannot be hidden. ¹⁵ Neither do people light a lamp and put it under a bowl. Instead they put it on its stand, and it gives light to everyone in the house. ¹⁶ In the same way, let your light shine before others, that they may see your good deeds and glorify your Father in heaven.


 Christ Himself was the True Light (John 1) and He came into our world of darkness to brighten up our world. He came that we may have life, and have it to the full. (John 10:10). and likewise, He calls us to be children of light (John 12, Eph 5:8, Phi 2:15, 1The 5:5, 1Peter 2:9). We are to be a testimony of His love, to reflect His light in the darkness, to point the direction to Him and bring warmth to this cold dark world.



2 Corinthians 4: 1 - 6
Therefore, since through God’s mercy we have this ministry, we do not lose heart. ² Rather, we have renounced secret and shameful ways; we do not use deception, nor do we distort the word of God. On the contrary, by setting forth the truth plainly we commend ourselves to everyone’s conscience in the sight of God. ³ And even if our gospel is veiled, it is veiled to those who are perishing. ⁴ The god of this age has blinded the minds of unbelievers, so that they cannot see the light of the gospel that displays the glory of Christ, who is the image of God. ⁵ For what we preach is not ourselves, but Jesus Christ as Lord, and ourselves as your servants for Jesus’ sake. ⁶ For God, who said, “Let light shine out of darkness,” made his light shine in our hearts to give us the light of the knowledge of God’s glory displayed in the face of Christ.

As this special message sinks in and makes its way through my heart and mind, I can feel that sense of warmth of assurance. God has blessed me with many friends, a strength in communication, a passion to share and many opportunities to reach out to others. I find joy in being amongst people, in interacting and sharing experiences. Some times I feel a sense of being self-confident in this aspect, but this message comes as an assurance, that these are God given gifts...

But to whom more is given, more shall be asked. And certainly, God is calling me to serve and worship Him with these gifts. I am reminded to be humble and remember that these gifts are from Him, and to always seek His Will to how I can worship and serve Him with them. Fear sets in as I tremble at the responsibilities that lie ahead, and the possible expectations God has of me. But I am reminded that our Lord will give us strength to do the work He has called us to do and will personally to see to its completion .

Father Lord, thank you for blessing me all these 27 years of my life. Thank you for giving me life, and filling my life with Your light. Thank you for choosing me and revealling Yourself to me, that I may believe in You and walk in Your light. Thank you for my family, friends and my beloved wife whom you have graciously blessed to guide and inspire me through these 27 years. I pray that you would continue to bless them with health and joy in their lives, and also strengthen our relationships.

Thank you for this very special birthday message, which comes at a crossroad of my life. Thank you for this direction You have given. Father, I fear that I will not be capable or effective to fulfill Your Will and above all, that my heart will wonder away from this calling...or worst still, to use these talents for my own selfish gains. Father, pls keep my heart and let it not wonder away from You. May the Spirit reign over me and keep me close to You. Open my eyes to be sensitive to every opportunity to shine for you and grant me the courage and wisdom to shine BOLDLY for you in every chance I have. Father, I commit myself and my family into Your hands. Amen.

ORD-ing

To many NSF, the count down to ORD is filled with much anticipation and excitement. I won't say I am not excited about ORD, but the sense of leaving my beloved NSMC and my wonderful team of medics is heavy and bitter.

Maybe my dreams and inspirations at the start of my re-enlistment has been miraculously fulfilled.
Maybe I have put in much thought and effort into building up the medical centre, and now see it where I had hope it to be.
Maybe the fruits of our labour have been sweet and delicious.
Maybe the relationships forged amidst tough times and challenges are too hard to be broken.
Maybe I have become too comfortable where I am.
Maybe....

I can only thank God for His many wonderful blessings over the past 1 and a half year of service. All the beautiful relationships and exciting experiences would soon become sweet memories which I will certainly revisit frequently. I can only pray that I have served His purpose where He has placed me, been a blessing to the people I have interacted with and made a positive impact in their lives.

In my last few days as an NSF, I've decided against the conventional. I want to make everyday count, experience to the fullest what NS can offer and contribute what little I can to the cause I believe in.

Medics. Seek, Save Serve!

I am certainly going to miss you all.

ORD lo!!!

Running the race

At the 14km mark. This is probably the furthest I have ever ran without stopping. I was on the route of of 24km route march along the Gardens by the Bay. My legs were hurting. People were just overtaking me. I told myself I shall not stop at all till I hit 15km. I just crossed it...is it time to stop and walk? If I stop, would I lose the momentum? But 休息乃是跑更远的路...Reaching the water point, fatigue overtook me and I stopped.

15km...16km...I was barely able to continue running. Each step I took became a mental struggle. My muscles were aching, my lower limbs were going numb, I can feel the abrasions on my feet forming despite my prophylactic bandaging, my toe nails were extremely painful. I was consistently being overtaken, out ran by some whom I had overtaken earlier. The finishing point seems so far away, completely the race seemed so impossible. Suddenly, the thought came to me "Just give up"...and on the iPod, the song played:


... 当失望的时候.不要放弃.不要放弃.
大声唱哈利路亚.
欢喜快乐吧.勇敢往前踏.
大声唱哈利路亚.
活出神放在心中的蓝图和盼望....



17km...18km...My right knee begin to develop a sharp pain. We were running pass Marina Bay Sands when   I passed by Aaron who was coming in the opposite direction. He gave me a thumbs up and I returned it with a smile. But as I took a step to run, there was a snap and sharp pain over the lateral aspect of my right knee. Shucks, must be my ITB. I could only walk from then on and braved a few short distance of sprints before the pain came back and I had to walk.

I suddenly found myself praying. Dear Lord, I know that I cannot complete this race alone. My body is broken and I can barely move on. But I know that by your strength I can! Help me Lord! Run this race with me. Carry me on...

And I remember our Lord in the Garden of Gethsemane. He too prayed for the cup of suffering to be lifted. His heart must be aching way more than my muscles are. Yet, He choose to carry on, knowing the extreme pain and torture that was to come. He ended His prayer with "Not my will but Yours be done".

Indeed, the journey of the cross is no easy one. During the Good Friday sermon, I recalled the pastor sharing that when God calls us to carry our cross, it is more than just a willingness to suffer extreme conditions, but a decision to bear our own struggles/weakness/imperfection/sins to follow Christ. It is a daily struggle, in big things and small, to decide against personal comfort/self interest, to follow Christ in His journey of the cross.


...十架的爱, 何等奇妙,
超乎我所求所想,
洗净我罪, 脱离污秽,
穿上公义洁白衣裳,

十架的爱, 何等奇妙,
我生命从此不再一样,
带我重回天父怀抱,
在永恒里我不停歌唱,十架的爱 ...

19km...20km.... I had not expected the final last km to be so convoluted. The finishing point was so near yet so far. I wanted to just sprint forward, to just finish the race, but my body simply would not let me. My leg muscles were cramping up, going into weird spams. The ITB pain was almost excruciating. I felt broken.

Christ must have suffered so much more as He bore the cross towards Golgotha. His body too was broken, after the numerous lashes and brutal beatings. He must have been bleeding from all the lacerations and abrasions. He wore the crown of thorns, which cut right through his scalp. He was carrying the wooden cross, which was not only physically heavy, but even mentally tortuously heavy, knowing full well that it will be upon that cross that He will be crucified. Yet He took each step closer to Golgotha, despite the agony and pain...He walked, fell, crawled towards Calvary...because He loved us

...On a hill far away stood an old rugged cross,
The emblem of suff’ring and shame;
And I love that old cross where the dearest and best
For a world of lost sinners was slain


So I’ll cherish the old rugged cross,
Till my trophies at last I lay down;
I will cling to the old rugged cross,
And exchange it some day for a crown...

The last km... I was barely able to run anymore. I kept setting personal mental targets to reach, but failing them quickly. Once again, I doubted if I could even run pass the finishing line. Many who have already completed the race stood by cheering us on. I wanted to run, but my body simply wouldn't. I walked...walked...despair and helplessness raising with each step. Suddenly I felt a pat on my back. One of the SMTI sergeants, whom I had overtaken earlier ran pass me and shouted, "Don't give up". I returned with a quick chuckled, gathered all strength and fought the inertia.

As I made the final turn that brought me to he finishing lap, I raised my head and fixed my eyes on the finishing line. The world around me seem to fade away and the pain in my legs seem to become negligible. I was fixated on the finishing line, I was going to cross it.

Heb 12:1-3 immediately came to mind
"Therefore, since we are surrounded by such a great cloud of witnesses, let us throw off everything that hinders and the sin that so easily entangles. And let us run with perseverance the race marked out for us,  fixing our eyes on Jesus, the pioneer and perfecter of faith. For the joy set before him he endured the cross, scorning its shame, and sat down at the right hand of the throne of God. Consider him who endured such opposition from sinners, so that you will not grow weary and lose heart."

Phi 3: 13-14
"Brothers and sisters, I do not consider myself yet to have taken hold of it. But one thing I do: Forgetting what is behind and straining toward what is ahead, I press on toward the goal to win the prize for which God has called me heavenward in Christ Jesus."

The finishing line was like the cross. I could almost feel God's welcoming embrace. By some miracle, my legs gained strength and they carried me through that last lap... I prayed, gave thanks, cried. Scenes of my life quickly flashed across. The many "races" in my life, the many painful and long enduring struggles I had to suffer, the many challenges which left me helpless and at times hopeless...But in every moment of desperation and helplessness, God provided strength and hope for me to move on. Each time I fixed upon Him, like the bronze snake in the desert, I was filled with healing and hope. Such unchanging love and faith, that is the power of the cross! That is the love of God.

After the race, the first thing I did was to msg Fangyu "It is finished". On the cross, as Christ drew His last breath, He said "It is finished". I finished the race for a personal pride that I have now completed 21km. Christ finished His ministry on earth by paying the price of our sins with His own blood. What a drastic comparison!

Easter Sunday, a celebration of Christ's victory over death, a reminder of Christ love for us, a renewal of our hope and faith in the cross, a reaffirmation that because He lives, we can face tomorrow! Indeed, in life's race, the finishing point is invisible to us, seemingly long and far away. We may be running, with all the aches and pain. Our bodies may be paralysed by the torturous pains, disabled by the helplessness of the situation. Worst still, some of us bear heavy burdens which weigh us down. We run, but yet seem to not be moving forward at all. People may overtake us, mock us, tease us. But always remember, we have Christ on whom we can fix our eyes upon. He is faithful and never changing. We have His assurance that He will never leave us or forsake us and will certainly carry us on His eagles wings. He calls us to be strong and courageous, to run the race towards the goal He has prepared for us.

Because He lives, there is no fear in tomorrow.

Because He lives, there is hope in tomorrow.

Because He lives, I can face tomorrow.

Post movie thoughts

Ah Boys to Man

Totally loving it!!!! Hits the heart strings. Can't help wishing I could turn back time to relive the sweet moments of BMT again with my Taurus Section 2 buddies!!! Ah, wonder how many of them are now...

The movie really triggered much memories of my days in BMT as well as MOCC.

Vigilante

I was asked to meet my boss one day, after a heated email conversation. It was about him forcing his hand upon my decisions without consulting me. I had reasons to the decisions I had made. I would have agreed to the reasons he had made his decisions, and I would have agreed to come to a compromise should he have discussed things with me first. However, thru the email, the impression I had was that he felt that I was pushing for my personal agenda, considering my own selfish gains. But I am but a NSF, and my decisions have thus far only added onto my workload. How can there be any selfish gains?!?!? I felt grossly wronged and maligned. However, thru our discussion, boss suddenly made this statement that made me jolt: "By who's judgement are you making your decisions by? Eugene's judgement? What makes your judgement more right than others?"

And suddenly, I felt the Spirit's whisper, he may be right...

Was I too caught up in my ideals and fighting for what I believed was right? Had I been too blinded by self-righteousness that I failed to see other's needs? Have I become myopic, or worse still, the hypocrite I promised I would never be? Was I growing to be self-centered, and away from God?

I am a vigilante.

Not a hero, but a selfish, reckless, self-proclaimed "good guy". I may have started out with the right intentions, or even had the pure heart to make a difference. But now, I could be working to feed my selfish desires and emotions, to simply getting things done my way.

And Rev Zheng reminded us just how imperfect our human love is, and if we simply relied on ourselves to do good, that can never be truly good, for one day, we might be blinded by our good intentions. Watching "Arrow", I reflected upon the way of the character's life and realised just how blinded he is by his own missions/agenda, that he has lost sight of what is really good. Indeed, our human scope is simply limited, and we can never completely consider every point and every person. Like it is said "one man's meat is another man's poison". We can never please everyone, even if we may be working with the best of intentions. Only God can make all things beautiful!!!

"No one can serve 2 masters. Either he will hate the one and love the other, or he will be devoted to the one and despise the other." Mat 6:24

Dear Lord, forgive me for being so blinded by my own arrogance and self-righteousness. Father, I need You. Help me to serve and worship You in the role You have called me to, that I will do what is right in Your eyes, and make decisions with Kingdom value. Father, help me build Your kingdom...not mine. Amen

我们亲爱的奶奶

In loving memory of
Mdm Tan Geok Tian

Returned to be with the Lord on 9 January 2013.

Dearly missed and fondly remembered by loved ones.

I have stayed with 奶奶a large part of my life. She is a wonderful cook, great singer, skilled tailor, artistic barber,  elegant lady, devoted wife, self sacrificing mother, grandmotherly grandmother and God fearing Christian.

奶奶 always tells us how she used to prepare banquets (>10 tables) for her family, cooked all sorts of  festive goodies (eg 新年-- 年糕/糕点，端午节-- 粽子，中秋节--月饼, 冬至-- 汤圆) and created delicacies from the most simple ingredients. And my taste buds can certainly testify to her wonderful cooking. Remembered when we were young, we would be so excited when 奶奶 is about to whip some delicacies and be able to participate in the process. She would teach us patiently to beat the eggs to make kaya, kneed the flour to make cakes (my favourite 发糕 and 鸡蛋糕), fry the garlic before the delicious fried bee hoon, roll the 汤圆 (pink and white ones). Though I was sure we were more trouble then help, 奶奶always welcomed our presence with a smile and equal excitement. There was never a dull meal when 奶奶 was in the kitchen. How I wished I could learn even 1% of her culinary skills...

Not only was 奶奶skilled in cooking, she was also a skilled tailor. Most, if not all, of our childhood pyjamas were all handmade by 奶奶. Every Christmas, we would look forward to her gifts of new clothes, which we would wear in the coming new year. In addition, 奶奶 made the most beautiful quilts, from all the left over cloth she used to make our pyjamas. Covering oneself in her beautifully woven quilts, one snuggles into sweet dreams under the warmth of 奶奶's love.

At the same time, 奶奶was also our personal barber. I remember getting into the double/triple stacked chairs, sitting in the front porch, waiting in anticipation. 奶奶would pull this familiar pink cloth around our neck (to cover our body neck-wards, revealing only our head), put on fragrant powder on our neck and snip away. Haircut was always a delightful experience, though during the haircut I would feel the little gitters, following 奶奶's commands to turn my head or close my eyes, I was always confident that the end product would be a handsome me, for my hair was safe in the hands of my wonderful 奶奶.

And that was how 奶奶showed her tireless love for us, through her gifts and acts of service.

奶奶 was an avid singer. She LOVED oldies, always humming tunes like 夜上海，小小东方 and many others which I cannot remember. Remember we would often look out for her favourite oldies eg 蔡琴，费玉亲 and play them on CD or catch them on TV. 奶奶's passion for songs led her to even handcopy lyrics of her favourite songs in notebooks which she kept preciously, showing them to us occasionally with pride :) But her all time favourite, and closest to her heart was "耶稣爱我" which she would sing almost everyday and we would use to effectively divert her attention :) This simply reveals her love for God and her confidence in the Lord's love for her.

大姑 always told me how 奶奶came from a very rich family, but chose to marry 爷爷who was from a poor family. Despite her wealth and high social status, 奶奶 did not take her inheritance for granted. Despite marrying into a poorer family, she did not flaunt her wealth, but choice to live simply and labourously. Though she had a personal servant, she still did her own chores and even chores of my 爷爷's family. 大姑often shared just how much she sacrificed for her family, often silently being bullied by others. Yet, she never complained, but found creative + cost-effective ways around problems and still treated everyone with love and respect, even those who bullied her. In fact, she took much effort to acquire her skills so that she could home-make stuff to save money. She would make daddy's uniforms, new year clothings, cut her children's hair and cook healthy homemade dishes, all to save cost for the family. Such sacrifice!

In addition, 奶奶 was one who cared for the poor and neglected. 奶奶often shared how she would bring food from her father's massive warehouse and offer to poorer classmates. I have seen her preparing drinks for the road sweepers and rubbish collectors who pass by our place and made it a point every morning to greet them. Such compassion and acceptance, especially to the neglected of the society, is one of the traits that many respect and love 奶奶 for.

Though 奶奶 was a full-time dedicated housewife and a pauper's wife, she never lost her fashion sense or her elegance. She always displayed a highly elegant public persona, being 爷爷's pride in major functions. Many often commented just how well dressed and graceful she was. 奶奶 has taught me that fashion is not limited to the wealthy. Elegance is more than just the outward look. It is about the state of the mind and soul, which is reflected in our outward form. This is truly reflection of the verse "every good tree bears good fruit" (Mat 7: 17)

奶奶's life has been a rocky one. Yet, by her faith in Christ and God's grace, her life reflected the over-pouring blessings and grace that comes from God. 奶奶 has left behind a legacy of love for us to model and learn. A love for the unlovable, the neglected, her husband, her family. Though she has left us, we know that she is in a better place, in the arms of our Lord, holding hands with 爷爷 whom she dearly loves. 奶奶，我们永远思念您！

****************

耶稣爱我万不错

因有圣书告诉我

凡小孩子主牧养

我虽软弱主强壮

耶稣爱我舍生命

将我罪恶洗干净

天堂荣门替我开

把祂小羊引进来

耶稣爱我永不忘

永不离开祂小羊

白日遭难主搭救

黑夜睡觉主看守

主耶稣爱我

主耶稣爱我

主耶稣爱我

有圣书告诉我

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Old year vs New year

What is so magical about the stroke of 12 on 1 January every year? Is it not simply the passing of a second?
What is so special about a "New year"? Is it not simply an arbitrary set up by Man?

New year vs Old year. To me, it is a significant milestone, a time of remembrance and thanksgiving, a time of renewal and rededication. Moving on into a new year reminds us that time stops for no one. It moves on whether we like it or not, regardless of the situation. Yet, it also brings hope, that time can heal broken wounds and correct wrongs. A wise teacher once shared "Life is to be lived forward, but understood backwards". As time slips us by, like sand through our fingers, we learn to treasure that we cannot hold and count our every blessings.

Looking back at 2012, my heart is filled with thanksgiving and nostalgia. This has been a very special year, as I complete the chapter of my life which was left uncompleted 8 years ago. Serving the army at 26 years old, as a MOIC of NSMC has been a great and wonderful blessing. God had given me the opportunity to interact with so many wonderful people, opened the doors to many lives that I could influence and touch, brought me through a journey of self-discovery that could otherwise never happen. When else would I be in No2 attending a military dinner, hop on and off a flying helicopter, manage a medical centre, putting into practice all that I have believed a good doctor/healthcare institute should be, work with a bunch of lively/enthusiastic medics, fight against the injustices of a poor system, be motivated and disciplined to train physically every other day, stay away from home "legally"...There are little restrictions (not worried about earning money or how my performance would affect my future) and much space for me to explore and utilise. This IS the time of my life, a time of certain freedom to do what I desire, one that would be hard to come by in the life ahead.

Yet, God has taught me many important lessons through the mistakes I have made. He has revealed the childish side of me, where decisions are made on impulse, emotion or selfish desires. Maturity is not a measure of age, but our ability to make well informed decisions even against our gut feeling, ready to bear its consequences. In Sam's words "Be a man, do the right thing". He has also revealed the angsty side of me, one which is fearless, rebellious, zealous and anti-establishment.Often masquerade a righteous activist fighting for the injustice of the society, God has challenged me to look beyond the façade and into my soul, to see the little monster in me. Need to learn to question my motives and actions, by the wisdom and grace of the Spirit. God has also challenged me to relook at how I prioritise matters in my life, to treasure that which has  eternal value.

Looking at the year ahead, as I end the NS chapter of my life, a new exciting chapter begins --- marriage.
So much anticipation, yet so much uncertainty. My life will change drastically, no longer "me" but "us", no longer "I" but "we". Living together is certainly not the same as being together. Priorities will change, life principles will change. What lies ahead, I can only pray that God leads and guide us to love each other upon His love. And it's returning to reality, back into the real working world. I shudder at going back to the wards, so rusty and deconditioned. Having to humbly start afresh, learn everything from scratch will be tough but exciting experience. Many new beginnings!

5 more months to ORD. I am surprisingly not as excited about leaving as others are. Well, 5 more months of doing what I can, to hand over and start letting go. May the beautiful memories and friendships live beyond ORD.

Change

Change is the only constant

Someone once remarked, that at the medical center, the coming of every new MO is like a change in dynasty. New policies, new working style, new relationships. I cannot help but agree. Between me and Shaohui, there are already a lot of differences. Not that Shaohui is not good, in fact, he has been a big inspiration to me in terms of managing the medical center eg caring for the medics (going off at 430pm, cohesion, talking to medics etc), medical management (being objective to separate admin from real medical probs). It's just that we are different. I'm sure Mdm Annie can testify to our difference and she certainly has to learn how to work with different MO (since she has been here for so many MOs)

But now, I feel like I am in the middle of a change, a change in the medics whom I have worked with. I have already witnessed the leaving (ORDing) of so many of my medics.Many good and wonderful one, .many whom I've already lost contact. But this time, the sense of loss is much greater, and I must say, more painful. Beidi, Wayne, Qujuan, Dom and David will all be ORDing in a few days time, and these are some of the closest I've worked with. Already I am missing them, and with Wayne's last msg, the sense of loss is intensified. The reality is hitting, they are really leaving...and I will certainly miss them.

I fear. I fear the break in relationship/friendship. I fear I would never see them again in such a setting. I fear the change and uncertainty that awaits.

Change is in the air. A new group of medics will have to step up and as with new leadership, there will bound to be change. Yet, part of me still wants to live in the old dynasty, resistant to change. I wish things will still remain the same, function the same, relationship still maintained. But the logical side tells me that that is not wise, I need to embrace change. I am not immortal, not a vampire living unchanging. I cannot expect the new leaders to function the same as their predecessors. I cannot allow myself to live in history and worst still, to plasticize the new leadership, suppressing their creativity and passion. I need to let go of the past and allow the future the reveal itself. I need to give the new leaders space to grow and take charge. The challenge is how to guide them yet not be seen to be oppressing them. O Lord, pls grant me wisdom to do so, to speak truth with love.

I too will be ORDing soon. As  much as many say they dread army life, I thank God for the many beautiful memories that this army experience has given me. Father, help me to enjoy every moment of it, to treasure each struggle and challenge, to live each experience to its fullest. Father, help me to make to maximum impact I can, to influence and encourage, to guide and nurture, to be the salt and light here in NSMC. O Lord, I pray not that my legacy live on, but Your glory and love to pass on through the ages of many other MOICs to come. May NSMC always be a place of encouragement and development, a beacon of light to reflect Your glory! Father, pray that you continue to bless the medical center and all of us working here.

As for the many medics that I've had the privilege to work with and see them ORD, Father, I pray that the friendship we have built and the shared memories/experiences we had will be a lasting one. May they be beautiful memories, which will bring us a smile when we recall. Father, I pray that I have been a good officer to them, to encourage and guide them in the way of the Lord. May Your spirit continue to work in their lives, to guide them and shape their hearts, to transform them and help them know You.

Dear guys, I'm going to miss you all very very much. Stay in touch ya. Don't just walk past me when we meet (though there is a high chance I may not recognize you since after army, you would all change hairstyle and stuff) :P I hope that the memories you had here at NSMC were beautiful and your experience here meaningful. Take care and may the Lord bless and guide you!

An emptiness inside

Walking out of camp today, after a really meaningful and exciting week of work, I suddenly felt an empty hollow inside...

...many of my medics are going to ORD
...I am going to ORD (or at least going for a long leave/off/break)

Ah, an empty hollow in desperate need for the Lord to fill, and only He can fill.

But I realised how much I love my work and just how much I care...

Find me faithful

Nov 2011...Jan 2012...Oct 2012...

After all that has been done, after all the effort and energy that has been invested, after all the nights of prayer and planning, after all the painful struggle to consider what is right, after all the time sacrificed, after all the heart work to love and care, after all the inspiration from above and wisdom from the Wise...

I only pray that the Lord will find me faithful in this mission He has put me on.

I may not be able to transform all the lives of those under my care, I may not be able build positive relationships with all I interact, I may not have left a good name behind. But if the Lord finds me faithful, for that  1 starfish along the shore, a starfish at a time, all the effort is worth it.

Dear Lord, pls find me faithful :)

学习放手

原来放手是个如此难的功课。

感谢主让我学习放手的自由和解脱。当我把眼前的事物抓得越紧，我就放弃了对上帝的依靠。无形中，夹在自己肩头上的担子也就重了许多。

“也许曾渴望拥有，但你要我学习放手，在每一分钟”
是的，主啊，我愿意将我的全心交在你手中，毫无保留。让我的手一生抓紧你的手。

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The past week has been full of turmoil. I was running solo, taking on roles of x2 MO and x1 SM all at one go. Plus, it didn't help that so many things were happening that required my attention and by some unknown force, I had an increased load of patients and medical reviews. It was simply crazy and I was close to being driven mad. Day by day the stress piled up and I was close to break down. I was so uptight and high strung, snapping at any instance available. Things got so bad to the extend that I snapped at my own medics. I could barely smile, almost as if being happy would only drain me further.

And finally, I did snap. I could no longer see any more patients, I could no longer talk to anyone. I was giddy with anger, stress, tiredness, disappointment and helplessness. I was upset with myself for being in such a pitiful state, yet not being able to break free from it. I felt extremely under appreciated yet over demanded.  My heart ached and if not for me being in uniform, I could almost cry.

人的镜头是神的开始!

Indeed, God' grace and mercy is always sufficient and timely. Just as my world collapsed, He sent His angels  to support and help me. Friends came at the time of need to share my load. And, by God's grace, a common message they shared: "It is time to let go."

I struggled through the weekend with this in mind. How can I let go? I have already put so much effort into the work I have been doing. How can I just give up and let go? Would this be Biblical? Should I not be persevering in doing what is right, fighting for what is right? I stubbornly refused to let go. There must be another way...

But God disciplines those He loves and just like Jonah, He didn't just let me go. This morning, I was extremely late for service and I was the worship leader. I overslept cos I was up the whole night preparing for the slides. I need not have done that, but out of a personal desire, I held on blindly and did it anyway. But because I was late, much of the slides weren't projected. Instead, I was late and nearly caused the service to be disrupted.

Yes, I am holding on to too much. As a result, I become so burdened and stressed for no good reason. I want control, but yet the more control I hold, the more of it I loose. A taut thread will surely break one day. And with my hands closed up in a fist, I can no longer grab onto the only lifeline, the healing and saving hands of God.

I need to let go. Relax my grip on the things of this world. Let others have a chance to display their talents. Leave God space to work His miracles, and I, just sit back and stare in awe of His glory and grace. I need to let go and let God!

Dear Father, teach me to let go of  my grip on the world and let You take control. May Your peace and joy fill my heart once more, grant me patience and wisdom to not rush into things or be quick to control, but to let You take control of every situation, so that You will gain all glory and me, t just bask in Your glory. Amen.

Happy Birthday Singapore!!!

Year after year, NDP never fails to remind me that I am a Singaporean and just how much I love my country. God has blessed Singapore, guiding us through the many storms and struggles, granted our leaders wisdom to lead us and our people to be united. There is always room for improvement, but on our nation's 47th birthday, let us take time to count our blessings and give thanks!



Dearest fellow Singaporeans, this is home. There may be areas we dislike, there may be people we find hard to follow, there may be cultures/practices/systems that irk us. But as long as we call ourselves Singaporeans, let us hold our identity up with pride! The future may be uncertain, we may live in turbulant times, we may make mistakes. But if we stand united, seek harmony and fight hand-in-hand, there is nothing we cannot achieve!



 Loving Singapore, our home!!

 It has always been my dream to participate in NDP. I thought this could be fulfilled this year that I'm serving my NS, but I missed the chance :( I'm certain there would still be many opportunities ahead, a chance a year :)

To my beloved nation, may the Lord continue to bless us to be a blessing to others, teach us to love and live in harmony, guide us to be a testimony of His glory! Happy Birthday Singapore!!!

Disappointed

It was Friday. I had all the intention to let everyone go off at 1630h. We went out running early, came back early. I went to settle some time-urgent stuff, told my sergeant to get everyone to fall in at 1630h. But to my greatest horror, I walked out of my room to find only half the strength left!!!

WTH!!!

Didn't I already tell everyone the day before to give me that "little" respect to fall in together? Have I not been trying my best to let everyone go off as early as possible? Have I not been fighting wars for their welfare? Have I not been trying my to be a fair and reasonable leader? For everything that I have done, this is what I get?

Worst still when I confirmed that everyone just left...like that! It was almost as if it were their right to leave early. No one had the courtesy to inform me that they were leaving, or had to leave early. I was dumbfounded and dead disappointed. What broke my heart more was the fact that many who left were people whom I trusted. How could they do this? Don't they know my intentions? Was this a blatant disregard for my commands?

Have I been too lenient? Have I been too soft and forgiving that people take me for granted? Have I been too friendly that people disregard me as their superior? Just that same morning, more than 10 people came late, many did not even apologise or have the least sense of remorse. I sat by the door and they just walked pass me, some not even saying hi, as if I was invisible.

It has been a progressive display of disrespect, selfishness and irresponsibility. And this is the last straw!

How long shall I pretend I did not know? How long will I tolerate such nonsense? How much more of such unacceptable behaviour can I accept? People are already complaining that I am overly protective over my guys. But I don't care what others say! I am their leader. If I don't defend them, who will? But if my defence results in such rebound phenomenon, I am doing my guys more harm then good.

I prayed...and prayed. What makes a good Christian leader? What would Jesus do? Would He not flip the tables at the temple and make straight the crooked road? Would He not speak truth with love, rebuke for the good of others? Oh Lord, please give me wisdom and strength! You have placed me to be the captain of many, please help me to lead them in the way pleasing to You. Teach me to love them and discipline them when necessary. Help me be consistent and fair.

I can no longer do nothing.

Our lovelie-douvie

Dancing under the moonlight with you in my arms, God has reaffirmed the truth, you are the beautiful gift He has in my life.

We will soon make each other complete. We will soon become one.

I close my eyes and bow my head in thanksgiving, for you and this wonderful night.

Oh Lord, teach me to treasure the gifts You have placed in my life :) For everything good comes from You!

Captain Sir

Had a rare chance wondering through the Youtube jungle, I found myself in the Army/NS plantation, seeing video after video related to NS. Watched the army daze shots, some sessions of the Nooze which discussed about NS, our commando training (invariably think of Dom), guards conversion (and I thought of Weijie), Scouts training, NDU, Midshippers etc...The more I watched, the more my heart stirred. Deep inside me, I really want to go thru all these courses too. I could almost picture myself in FBO crossing the river or doing some fast march or repelling. But as the emo bubble burst to reveal logic, I am faced with the reality: I will not be physically fit to go thru the training. I may not have the mental capacity to sustain the grulling torture, I will not have great friends/buddies to support me along the way, I may not be able to let down my pride (especially of the rank I now hold).

Yet, the deep desire to do some "army" stuff does not simmer away, not even a bit. I begin to browse thru all the facebook photos of other's army life in unit, all the fun and faces during exercise/training. Such comrade and excitement, of going thru tough times with your buddies. I recalled my own MOCC training with a little bit of guilt and shame. I should have been more optimistic, more on the ball, to enjoy the pain of training and reap the joy of friendship and brotherhood. The route marches together, the outfields, the tekan sessions, the WWWW...they are so vivid yet so distant. How I do wish I could relive all of it once more.

And I turn to look at my medics and my medical center. My heart sinks a little. Dear dear, they don't know what they are missing! They have lost the joy of combat training and comrade. I hear of the many disagreements on the ground, of office politics played out right under my nose, of bias-ness and favoritism. There is a great lack of motivation to move forward to do things out of comfort zone, a lack of purpose and drive. There is a great lack of unity, of brotherhood, of going to battle together.  I have been trying so hard to re-instill that sense of unit life, but honestly, I am getting discouraged trying. I push for IPPT, shoots etc, but dragging people out to even do PT is soon becoming a chore. I try my best to know everyone, to talk to ppl, to motivate individuals, but my key stakeholders are ORDing soon and the unmotivated rest are just pulling everyone down. I wanna teach, give incentives, and I don't know why, I'm sometimes feel my efforts go unappreciated.

It's upsetting and discouraging. Suddenly, I actually feel like giving up. Especially when my SGT told me today he has lost the purpose which he had a while ago, and I cannot help but agree. I'm losing it too.

I feel like I'm fighting this battle alone and running low on ammo. And as the medical center work piles up, it becomes harder and harder for me to engage my medics. Even then, I am lost at how to engage and encourage them. I am beginning to take steps back and simply letting go. I have been letting my guard down, being too comfortable with myself, being less aware of how my actions have an impact on my medics...I am soon unbecoming of a good leader, my actions and decision soon follow my gut rather than my heart/mind. I fear I'm becoming biased, losing the consistency and fairness.

How can I lead my man? Am I still a worthy leader?

As I browsed thru my phone messages, one of Jeremy's old message spoke to me once more. This was after our initial horrendous idea to institute regimentation (dtd 19/2/2012):
"Yeah, I was kept up last night by this issue and I have been praying for the medics and you. I think it can still work in our favour. At least they trust you enough to approach you.

Just wanna encourage you with 1 Sam 22:2. Everyone who was in distress, and everyone who was in debt, and everyone who was discontented gathered to him; and he became captain over them. This was talking about David as he was running for his life and hidding in a cave all the misfits in society gathered around him, these guys later became David's mighty men, some of the strongest warriors that Isreal have ever seen.

I see a correlation with our medics whom you are captain over. As I speak to them I realised that many of them are directionless and have no idea what to do with their life. They need a leader to show them the way and that person is YOU!"

Father, indeed it is You who have placed me captain over the medical center. Father, I am no natural leader and am without organisational skills or commanding talents. I have not the physical or mental strength to fight wars or scale obstacles. I was not even selected to be in command school! Yet Father, just as you have chosen David, you have placed the undeserving me where I am. Father, I really don't deserve this rank and the responsibility upon my shoulders is heavy, yet Father, You remind me it is not me leading but You leading thru me. Father, You are the general and I'm merely executing Your commands. Father, relief me of the painful reigns, to let go and let You, for this medical center is Yours! Father, I cannot change the hearts of man, but only You can. Father, I pray for greater motivation and willingness in my medics, to seek a greater purpose in life. I pray for unity and harmony amongst the medical center, that medics will not see themselves as individual departments, but belonging to the medical center. Above all, I pray that the Holy Spirit will touch their hearts and shape them with a renewed sense of purpose and direction!

Oh Father, grant me the strength and wisdom to do your will here in the medical center. Remind me that YOU are the captain, not me. Teach me to rely on Your wisdom and not on mine. Humble me to trust in Your guidance once more. Father, I commit NSMC into Your hands! Please be the Lord over this army!!

Good bye Jeremy

Dearest Jeremy,

Words are simply not enough to express my gratitude for your support and company at NSMC over the past few months. I thank God for placing us together in this wonderful place, and even burdened our hearts with the same vision and mission. As the BBQ comes to an end, the reality of our parting becomes so much more real, and my heart aches.

 You have been such a wonderful brother, a wartime buddy and excellent colleague. I cannot imagine how things would have developed if not for your constant advice and guidance. You are always objective in dealing with situations, helping me see things from a larger picture, beyond just the emotions and feelings. Yet, you are sharp to observe inter-personal relationships and have the wisdom to deal with them. You are never flustered or anxious, able to deal with every challenge calmly and rationally. Above all, you love God and center all your decisions upon Him.

My dearest brother, we have fought so many wars together and overcome the challenges which seemed impossible. It is simply a miracle just how our medical center has grown over the pass few months. We would not be where we are if not for you. New ideas were initiated, many tough calls were made after much discussion and prayer. We have stood by what we believed and shouldered the consequences of our decisions. Praise be the God, for He has shown us great mercy and blessed us abundantly.

Now that you are going off, the fear of tanking the medical center alone seeps in. Yet I know He who began a good work in you will carry it on to completion until the day of Christ Jesus (Phi 1:6). Though we may part for a short while, the friendship and brotherhood will last for a lifetime. May the Lord continue to shine upon you, to guide you, strengthen you and protect you from all harm. May He bless the work of your hands and bless you with an overpouring blessing, that you may be a blessing to the many others around you.

 My dearest brother, you will be dearly missed.