Dear friend,
Never knew it could be possible to love someone yet dread to be in the presence of him. But now I know, it's such a painful struggle...the terrible conflict of wanting to care/love/reach out yet finding it so difficult cos I want nothing gd for you...
It's been like that for goodness knows how long...Everytime I'm with you, I have the errking sensation, but at the same time, my mind reminds me to love you. I wear a smile and everything seems fine. But inside, a storm is raging, a war ongoing...You are a beloved friend, I really love you...but this opposing feeling...it's hurting...
Yet, I can't explain...
As the "bad emo" (I'll call tat for now) increases, my brain reflects everything you do in a negetive light. I've got to consciously tune my brain to be understanding, keep telling myself, tat's who you are and I've got to love you for who you are. In the process of the inner struggle, there must have been subtle signs tat give me away. I've become more aware of them...You are no 3 yr old and I'm sure you've noticed them. As much as I try to hide them, to fight them, to overcome them, I've often been on the losing end. Every time tat happens, I hit myself and ask "Why did I do that?"...yet, I lack the courage and strength to remady things...to say sorry...
I've been praying really hard...I tot it was my pride, for things started out with this unknown jealosy/envy when I'm with you. I prayed that God wld humble me, to take away my pride and help me to love you in completeness. But the "bad emo" grew...It was only recently when one enlightened me, tat as we grew closer to each other, we see a deeper side of each other, which may be unexpected...some times conflicting...
Dearest beloved friend, I'm still trapped and not knowing what's wrong. All I can ask is your forgiveness and understanding. I regret not having the courage to tell you face-to-face, for I fear the hurt that you'll have to bear. For now, pls pray for me and with me, that our Father in heaven, who built this friendship, will restore and bless it.
Father Lord, in my helplessness, I look to you, my hope and strength.
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1 comment:
I immediately thought of another person in my own experiences, but of course our situation would be different. I am struggling with handling this sense of discomfort and dislike for the brother.
My reaction wasn't as well controlled as yours (at least you managed to make it look like nothing's wrong) - I made an outburst and although we've argued and made-up, I still can't get over that feeling. Technically speaking I am still on okay terms with that brother, but deep down I know that I am still not really at peace with who he is and learning how to love him.
Tell me more soon and hope we can pray over this burden together :) Remember the Lord is with you even in your times of weakness.
God bless!
Loves,
Fang
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