Dancing under the moonlight with you in my arms, God has reaffirmed the truth, you are the beautiful gift He has in my life.
We will soon make each other complete. We will soon become one.
I close my eyes and bow my head in thanksgiving, for you and this wonderful night.
Oh Lord, teach me to treasure the gifts You have placed in my life :) For everything good comes from You!
Saturday, July 28, 2012
Monday, July 23, 2012
Captain Sir
Had a rare chance wondering through the Youtube jungle, I found myself in the Army/NS plantation, seeing video after video related to NS. Watched the army daze shots, some sessions of the Nooze which discussed about NS, our commando training (invariably think of Dom), guards conversion (and I thought of Weijie), Scouts training, NDU, Midshippers etc...The more I watched, the more my heart stirred. Deep inside me, I really want to go thru all these courses too. I could almost picture myself in FBO crossing the river or doing some fast march or repelling. But as the emo bubble burst to reveal logic, I am faced with the reality: I will not be physically fit to go thru the training. I may not have the mental capacity to sustain the grulling torture, I will not have great friends/buddies to support me along the way, I may not be able to let down my pride (especially of the rank I now hold).
Yet, the deep desire to do some "army" stuff does not simmer away, not even a bit. I begin to browse thru all the facebook photos of other's army life in unit, all the fun and faces during exercise/training. Such comrade and excitement, of going thru tough times with your buddies. I recalled my own MOCC training with a little bit of guilt and shame. I should have been more optimistic, more on the ball, to enjoy the pain of training and reap the joy of friendship and brotherhood. The route marches together, the outfields, the tekan sessions, the WWWW...they are so vivid yet so distant. How I do wish I could relive all of it once more.
And I turn to look at my medics and my medical center. My heart sinks a little. Dear dear, they don't know what they are missing! They have lost the joy of combat training and comrade. I hear of the many disagreements on the ground, of office politics played out right under my nose, of bias-ness and favoritism. There is a great lack of motivation to move forward to do things out of comfort zone, a lack of purpose and drive. There is a great lack of unity, of brotherhood, of going to battle together. I have been trying so hard to re-instill that sense of unit life, but honestly, I am getting discouraged trying. I push for IPPT, shoots etc, but dragging people out to even do PT is soon becoming a chore. I try my best to know everyone, to talk to ppl, to motivate individuals, but my key stakeholders are ORDing soon and the unmotivated rest are just pulling everyone down. I wanna teach, give incentives, and I don't know why, I'm sometimes feel my efforts go unappreciated.
It's upsetting and discouraging. Suddenly, I actually feel like giving up. Especially when my SGT told me today he has lost the purpose which he had a while ago, and I cannot help but agree. I'm losing it too.
I feel like I'm fighting this battle alone and running low on ammo. And as the medical center work piles up, it becomes harder and harder for me to engage my medics. Even then, I am lost at how to engage and encourage them. I am beginning to take steps back and simply letting go. I have been letting my guard down, being too comfortable with myself, being less aware of how my actions have an impact on my medics...I am soon unbecoming of a good leader, my actions and decision soon follow my gut rather than my heart/mind. I fear I'm becoming biased, losing the consistency and fairness.
How can I lead my man? Am I still a worthy leader?
As I browsed thru my phone messages, one of Jeremy's old message spoke to me once more. This was after our initial horrendous idea to institute regimentation (dtd 19/2/2012):
"Yeah, I was kept up last night by this issue and I have been praying for the medics and you. I think it can still work in our favour. At least they trust you enough to approach you.
Just wanna encourage you with 1 Sam 22:2. Everyone who was in distress, and everyone who was in debt, and everyone who was discontented gathered to him; and he became captain over them. This was talking about David as he was running for his life and hidding in a cave all the misfits in society gathered around him, these guys later became David's mighty men, some of the strongest warriors that Isreal have ever seen.
I see a correlation with our medics whom you are captain over. As I speak to them I realised that many of them are directionless and have no idea what to do with their life. They need a leader to show them the way and that person is YOU!"
Father, indeed it is You who have placed me captain over the medical center. Father, I am no natural leader and am without organisational skills or commanding talents. I have not the physical or mental strength to fight wars or scale obstacles. I was not even selected to be in command school! Yet Father, just as you have chosen David, you have placed the undeserving me where I am. Father, I really don't deserve this rank and the responsibility upon my shoulders is heavy, yet Father, You remind me it is not me leading but You leading thru me. Father, You are the general and I'm merely executing Your commands. Father, relief me of the painful reigns, to let go and let You, for this medical center is Yours! Father, I cannot change the hearts of man, but only You can. Father, I pray for greater motivation and willingness in my medics, to seek a greater purpose in life. I pray for unity and harmony amongst the medical center, that medics will not see themselves as individual departments, but belonging to the medical center. Above all, I pray that the Holy Spirit will touch their hearts and shape them with a renewed sense of purpose and direction!
Oh Father, grant me the strength and wisdom to do your will here in the medical center. Remind me that YOU are the captain, not me. Teach me to rely on Your wisdom and not on mine. Humble me to trust in Your guidance once more. Father, I commit NSMC into Your hands! Please be the Lord over this army!!
Sunday, April 22, 2012
Good bye Jeremy
Dearest Jeremy,
Words are simply not enough to express my gratitude for your support and company at NSMC over the past few months. I thank God for placing us together in this wonderful place, and even burdened our hearts with the same vision and mission. As the BBQ comes to an end, the reality of our parting becomes so much more real, and my heart aches.
You have been such a wonderful brother, a wartime buddy and excellent colleague. I cannot imagine how things would have developed if not for your constant advice and guidance. You are always objective in dealing with situations, helping me see things from a larger picture, beyond just the emotions and feelings. Yet, you are sharp to observe inter-personal relationships and have the wisdom to deal with them. You are never flustered or anxious, able to deal with every challenge calmly and rationally. Above all, you love God and center all your decisions upon Him.
My dearest brother, we have fought so many wars together and overcome the challenges which seemed impossible. It is simply a miracle just how our medical center has grown over the pass few months. We would not be where we are if not for you. New ideas were initiated, many tough calls were made after much discussion and prayer. We have stood by what we believed and shouldered the consequences of our decisions. Praise be the God, for He has shown us great mercy and blessed us abundantly.
Now that you are going off, the fear of tanking the medical center alone seeps in. Yet I know He who began a good work in you will carry it on to completion until the day of Christ Jesus (Phi 1:6). Though we may part for a short while, the friendship and brotherhood will last for a lifetime. May the Lord continue to shine upon you, to guide you, strengthen you and protect you from all harm. May He bless the work of your hands and bless you with an overpouring blessing, that you may be a blessing to the many others around you.
My dearest brother, you will be dearly missed.
Words are simply not enough to express my gratitude for your support and company at NSMC over the past few months. I thank God for placing us together in this wonderful place, and even burdened our hearts with the same vision and mission. As the BBQ comes to an end, the reality of our parting becomes so much more real, and my heart aches.
You have been such a wonderful brother, a wartime buddy and excellent colleague. I cannot imagine how things would have developed if not for your constant advice and guidance. You are always objective in dealing with situations, helping me see things from a larger picture, beyond just the emotions and feelings. Yet, you are sharp to observe inter-personal relationships and have the wisdom to deal with them. You are never flustered or anxious, able to deal with every challenge calmly and rationally. Above all, you love God and center all your decisions upon Him.
My dearest brother, we have fought so many wars together and overcome the challenges which seemed impossible. It is simply a miracle just how our medical center has grown over the pass few months. We would not be where we are if not for you. New ideas were initiated, many tough calls were made after much discussion and prayer. We have stood by what we believed and shouldered the consequences of our decisions. Praise be the God, for He has shown us great mercy and blessed us abundantly.
Now that you are going off, the fear of tanking the medical center alone seeps in. Yet I know He who began a good work in you will carry it on to completion until the day of Christ Jesus (Phi 1:6). Though we may part for a short while, the friendship and brotherhood will last for a lifetime. May the Lord continue to shine upon you, to guide you, strengthen you and protect you from all harm. May He bless the work of your hands and bless you with an overpouring blessing, that you may be a blessing to the many others around you.
My dearest brother, you will be dearly missed.
Thursday, April 19, 2012
What's the point
Another crisis happened yesterday, made my heart ache and churn in pain. It ended up with my SGT questioning "What's the point?"
He was right, what is the point? Why do we want to go through such pain and helplessness where our heart/hard efforts are being poured into a bottemless urn, where no one seems to recognise the effort we have put in, or worse still think that we are not doing anything?
But in my QT, God reminded me through this song, we labour, to testify His love!!
My dear SGT, don't give up! People around you may not recognise your effort, others may misunderstand you, but God knows!!! And He will guide and strengthen you if you choose to do what He desires and follow Him. Don't simply work for others, but fight for what you believe. Don't give up!! Jia you!!!
Testify to love
All the colors of the rainbow
All of voices of the wind
Every dream that reaches out
That reaches out to find where love begins
Every word of every story
Every star in every sky
Every corner of creation lives to testify
For as long as I shall live
I will testify to love
I'll be a witness in the silences when words are not enough
With every breath I take I will give thanks to God above
For as long as I shall live
I will testify to love
From the mountains to the valleys
From the rivers to the sea
Every hand that reaches out
Every hand that reaches out to offer peace
Every simple act of mercy
Every step to kingdom come
All the Hope in every heart will,speak what love has done
He was right, what is the point? Why do we want to go through such pain and helplessness where our heart/hard efforts are being poured into a bottemless urn, where no one seems to recognise the effort we have put in, or worse still think that we are not doing anything?
But in my QT, God reminded me through this song, we labour, to testify His love!!
My dear SGT, don't give up! People around you may not recognise your effort, others may misunderstand you, but God knows!!! And He will guide and strengthen you if you choose to do what He desires and follow Him. Don't simply work for others, but fight for what you believe. Don't give up!! Jia you!!!
Testify to love
All the colors of the rainbow
All of voices of the wind
Every dream that reaches out
That reaches out to find where love begins
Every word of every story
Every star in every sky
Every corner of creation lives to testify
For as long as I shall live
I will testify to love
I'll be a witness in the silences when words are not enough
With every breath I take I will give thanks to God above
For as long as I shall live
I will testify to love
From the mountains to the valleys
From the rivers to the sea
Every hand that reaches out
Every hand that reaches out to offer peace
Every simple act of mercy
Every step to kingdom come
All the Hope in every heart will,speak what love has done
Monday, April 16, 2012
To play less is to play more
Woke up this morning prematurally at 3am, mind full of things I had planned to do as the day begins. So much excitement and anticipation that I was totally unable to return to sleep. But as the hours passed, as some sleepy fatigue set it, I found myself asking, "Is all this worthwhile? Why am I doing all this for?"
...an emptiness fills my heart...
I am reminded: Unless the LORD builds the house, its builders labor in vain. Unless the LORD watches over the city, the watchmen stand guard in vain. (Psalm 127:1). Indeed, I can come up with the most creative of ideas, but unless the Lord builds, I labor in vain. If God is not at the heart of what I do, there can be no eternity or hope in the work of my hands.
Father, teach me to let go and simply let you take over. Forgive me for being too ambitious and over-estimating myself, to push you out of the equation once again. I commit my work into your hands, to lay every single bit of my thoughts/plans/vision at Your feet. Help me Father, save me, for I am Yours.
...an emptiness fills my heart...
I am reminded: Unless the LORD builds the house, its builders labor in vain. Unless the LORD watches over the city, the watchmen stand guard in vain. (Psalm 127:1). Indeed, I can come up with the most creative of ideas, but unless the Lord builds, I labor in vain. If God is not at the heart of what I do, there can be no eternity or hope in the work of my hands.
Father, teach me to let go and simply let you take over. Forgive me for being too ambitious and over-estimating myself, to push you out of the equation once again. I commit my work into your hands, to lay every single bit of my thoughts/plans/vision at Your feet. Help me Father, save me, for I am Yours.
Sunday, April 15, 2012
Angsty ++
It has been an extremely angsty week. On one day, things went so bad I guess I shocked my friends around me, and even shocked myself.
Why so angst? I can't even pinpoint a single event, but I guess it was multifactorial and also an accumulation of stored pressure of disatisfaction/disappointment/helplessness.
But thank God for great friends and colleagues around me, who supported me thru the angsty period and remind me to take a step back and reflect on such unnecessary anger.
Below are some thoughts:
1. Standing for what I feel strongly about
- I guess this is the overarching reason for all the angst. Now that I am in a certain position of power, I really hope to put in place some things which I had believed strongly though my past experiences. However, I forgot that the system that I am fighting is a really stubborn one, and people are not always receptive towards change. So in fighting stubborn resistance, it is hard not to become angsty.
It is a great struggle still to draw the line between standing for principles and becoming arrogant/stubborn. I am still trying to find the balance, but constantly feel that if I given way to certain principles, it would be difficult to make a stand the next time round. But yet, not all situations are always so clear cut. Sigh, it takes great wisdom to tread on such thin lines.
2. We will NOT be bullied
- The sense of being abused and demanded for, being treated without due respect and take granted for. We are often expected to do things beyond our physical ability and to perform despite sheer stress and constraints. Yes, I would do that out of goodwill and if the situation calls for, but not when I am demanded/ordered/expected to do so. I am a doctor, and as such, my primary role is clinical before administrative. If people think that my administrative role is more important, than cut down the clinical workload. But than again, I'm a doctor, and treating patients is what I am trained for.
3. Credit not given where credit is due
- After a long days work, staying back overtime to assist in administrative stuff, how would you feel if you received an email from your boss saying that you haven't done enough just because of 1 individual complain. Disappointed, upset, helpless, feel like giving up? Yeah, that and more. Why am I working so hard? Is it all worth it? Why should I care if this is how my superiors treat us or see our work. I love my job, and I don't demand recognition (for the satisfaction I get is from the smiles of my patients and staff). However, how can I tolerate "dis-recognition", especially when I am already not paid for my extra effort or compensated for my care. The least one can be is supportive and not oppressive...Brr..angst!!!
4. To prove otherwise
- I was deeply hurt and upset when one of my patients shouted and insulted my staff outside my clinic (I didn't hear it from him, thank God, but heard from my staff) after waiting for a while and not being seen. After all the hoo-ha, he said "I am not scolding you, but the f***** inside (ie me)". And that was an extremely busy day of clinic which I ran solo. I had to pack lunch to see patients, didn't even stop for toilet break!!! And there you have such unthoughtful, ungrateful people out there hurling insults at ME!!! Fortunately, that was the end of the day...
...but the true angst came the next day, when I ran clinic solo again. There was a case which took me a while to manage and when I returned, I realised I had >20 patients to clear, of which some were "making noise" outside. I don't know what overcame me, but the sudden thought came "since ppl complain about waiting time, I will cut their waiting time, and they will suffer the consequences". I cleared all the patients in 1.5h, saw them mechanically without much emotion, not stopping to allow them to voice any question (other than answer mine). Still clinical and safe, minus the service and smile.
Ah...all that angsst. Feels better to voice them out, yet feels so stupid and immature about myself. Man, I am much better than that! To be so petty and calculative. As I was angst-ing, my dearest bro brought me back before Christ and I felt a sudden shame and heartache. "Why the angst?" I could almost hear God say "have I not created you for more than that? Where is the love?"
Sigh, indeed, where is the love? Didn't God already state in His word "To love the Lord your God with all your heart, all your soul, all your mind and all your strength. Then to love each other as you love yourself." If God had been in the picture, there would not be the need for any angst. For He promised to let judgement be His to pronounce, no need for me to be the judge. For He said "to work at everything with all our heart, as if for the Lord and not for Man". Who cares what others say about me, I don't need their acknowledgement, for it is God whom I serve, and if He acknowledges me, whom shall I fear?
Indeed, angst is a sign of arrogance, and God clearly states that He will put down the arrogant and raise up the humble. The wars on earth are not meant for mere mortals like me to fight, for He will fight for us...and He has already gained victory!!! Father Lord, I am so sorry for being stiffed-neck and stubborn. Through all these angst, I realised just how self-centered I have been. Father, please help me, to be gentle in heart just as You are, and not be corrupted by the power I have. Father Lord, I offer my life into Your hands, give me wisdom to make the right judgement, humility to learn and compassion to love. May my life be a worship onto you and a blessing to others. Amen.
Why so angst? I can't even pinpoint a single event, but I guess it was multifactorial and also an accumulation of stored pressure of disatisfaction/disappointment/helplessness.
But thank God for great friends and colleagues around me, who supported me thru the angsty period and remind me to take a step back and reflect on such unnecessary anger.
Below are some thoughts:
1. Standing for what I feel strongly about
- I guess this is the overarching reason for all the angst. Now that I am in a certain position of power, I really hope to put in place some things which I had believed strongly though my past experiences. However, I forgot that the system that I am fighting is a really stubborn one, and people are not always receptive towards change. So in fighting stubborn resistance, it is hard not to become angsty.
It is a great struggle still to draw the line between standing for principles and becoming arrogant/stubborn. I am still trying to find the balance, but constantly feel that if I given way to certain principles, it would be difficult to make a stand the next time round. But yet, not all situations are always so clear cut. Sigh, it takes great wisdom to tread on such thin lines.
2. We will NOT be bullied
- The sense of being abused and demanded for, being treated without due respect and take granted for. We are often expected to do things beyond our physical ability and to perform despite sheer stress and constraints. Yes, I would do that out of goodwill and if the situation calls for, but not when I am demanded/ordered/expected to do so. I am a doctor, and as such, my primary role is clinical before administrative. If people think that my administrative role is more important, than cut down the clinical workload. But than again, I'm a doctor, and treating patients is what I am trained for.
3. Credit not given where credit is due
- After a long days work, staying back overtime to assist in administrative stuff, how would you feel if you received an email from your boss saying that you haven't done enough just because of 1 individual complain. Disappointed, upset, helpless, feel like giving up? Yeah, that and more. Why am I working so hard? Is it all worth it? Why should I care if this is how my superiors treat us or see our work. I love my job, and I don't demand recognition (for the satisfaction I get is from the smiles of my patients and staff). However, how can I tolerate "dis-recognition", especially when I am already not paid for my extra effort or compensated for my care. The least one can be is supportive and not oppressive...Brr..angst!!!
4. To prove otherwise
- I was deeply hurt and upset when one of my patients shouted and insulted my staff outside my clinic (I didn't hear it from him, thank God, but heard from my staff) after waiting for a while and not being seen. After all the hoo-ha, he said "I am not scolding you, but the f***** inside (ie me)". And that was an extremely busy day of clinic which I ran solo. I had to pack lunch to see patients, didn't even stop for toilet break!!! And there you have such unthoughtful, ungrateful people out there hurling insults at ME!!! Fortunately, that was the end of the day...
...but the true angst came the next day, when I ran clinic solo again. There was a case which took me a while to manage and when I returned, I realised I had >20 patients to clear, of which some were "making noise" outside. I don't know what overcame me, but the sudden thought came "since ppl complain about waiting time, I will cut their waiting time, and they will suffer the consequences". I cleared all the patients in 1.5h, saw them mechanically without much emotion, not stopping to allow them to voice any question (other than answer mine). Still clinical and safe, minus the service and smile.
Ah...all that angsst. Feels better to voice them out, yet feels so stupid and immature about myself. Man, I am much better than that! To be so petty and calculative. As I was angst-ing, my dearest bro brought me back before Christ and I felt a sudden shame and heartache. "Why the angst?" I could almost hear God say "have I not created you for more than that? Where is the love?"
Sigh, indeed, where is the love? Didn't God already state in His word "To love the Lord your God with all your heart, all your soul, all your mind and all your strength. Then to love each other as you love yourself." If God had been in the picture, there would not be the need for any angst. For He promised to let judgement be His to pronounce, no need for me to be the judge. For He said "to work at everything with all our heart, as if for the Lord and not for Man". Who cares what others say about me, I don't need their acknowledgement, for it is God whom I serve, and if He acknowledges me, whom shall I fear?
Indeed, angst is a sign of arrogance, and God clearly states that He will put down the arrogant and raise up the humble. The wars on earth are not meant for mere mortals like me to fight, for He will fight for us...and He has already gained victory!!! Father Lord, I am so sorry for being stiffed-neck and stubborn. Through all these angst, I realised just how self-centered I have been. Father, please help me, to be gentle in heart just as You are, and not be corrupted by the power I have. Father Lord, I offer my life into Your hands, give me wisdom to make the right judgement, humility to learn and compassion to love. May my life be a worship onto you and a blessing to others. Amen.
Monday, April 2, 2012
At the warfront
If you think wars are only fought during wartime, you are so wrong!!!! Where I am, wars are fought everyday, and I think I'm so unqualified to even mention the wars I fight cos many of my friends fight bigger and more impactful wars daily. When they share the battles they fight, I'm just so impressed by their determination and courage, yet so so disappointed by the system we work in.
But ya, war. I'm tired of fighting wars. They are so draining. I have to consider so many factors, from the position of my enemies to their logistic capabilities, from the weapons I use to the time/method I employ. Every small mistake can be fatal, or worst, backfire with dire consequences (often with collateral damage).
So many wars on so many fronts...
International war
Reason for war: to hold my ground and stand firm on principles. To protect my land and the people under me from "foreign" invaders. We will NOT be bullied...but neither will we be bullies. Realised the importance of diplomacy thru the words of wisdom from an experienced service-women: "It is important to stand firm for principles, but more important are the relationships. The true victor is one who wins both" Wow!!! Indeed, that calls for much wisdom, patience and understanding.
God has been AMAZINGLY merciful in these wars fought. Instead of enemies made, he has blessed me with beautiful friendships that are forged through the wars. It's a miracle, and indeed, he IS the great counsellor and prince of peace :)
Father Lord, help me to keep my angst in check, to learn to be firm, yet not hurtful. Grant me wisdom to be dynamic, creative and flexible, without compromising on what is right. 叫我对事不对人
Civil wars
Hardest to fight, for it concerns people who are under your care. Hard to find the balance, to have wisdom to see things from a bird's eye view, to be able to hear the story from both sides and discern the truth. Ever case is so different, yet like in law, once a case is presented and sentenced, it would be used as a guideline for the next case. And so, great caution and thought must be put into each case so that I will be fair.
Nobles - subjects or Nobles - royalty:
I tot this would be easy, but it turns out harder than it seems. The wisdom of Samuel says "Not to defy orders of the nobles before the subjects" and I totally agree. But yet, I have on a few accounts fallen into that, cos I cared too much for my subjects. I have ganged up with my subjects against the nobles, and that is not the right thing to do. Have I forgotten that the nobles too are my subjects and I have to care for them as well. As much as I am partially anti-establishment, I cannot embarrass my nobles before my subjects. Any issues should be done behind the scenes in discussion.
Subjects - subjects:
These are wars that pain me most. How I often pray for harmony and peace amongst my subjects, that they will be friends and leave with beautiful memories that hold them together. Yet, I'm beginning to hear more and more underlying tension in the grassroots. Mistrust is building up, comparison instead of cooperation. How can I help them to see the importance of teamwork, of supporting each other, of fighting ALONGSIDE each other and not WITH each other!!! The wisdom of Solomen says in Ecclesiastes 4: 9-12 "Two are better than one...Though one may be overpowered, two can defend themselves. A cord of three strands is not quickly broken"
But yet, we are sinful people living in a fallen world. Who of us can say we are not selfish. Even I dare not say I'm altruistic. I too am a sinful man, with selfish desires and personal motives. Who am I to judge and guide others? Only you Lord are pure in heart, blameless and perfect. Father, help guide my subjects to love one another as they love themselves.
Internal wars
These are the conflicts within me. Drives me crazy as if I am schizophrenic or bipolar. Having so many ego states, having to be so many roles at one time. I find myself sometimes a hypocrite when I'm in one role and seeing a case in another. But words of wisdom from CMW:" It doesn't matter whether you are M or O first, what matters is WHO YOU ARE!" Amen, and I thank God my identity is clear. I am the Son of God, created in His image. And the sole purpose of my life is to become more and more like him!
But of course, that doesn't actually make things easier, for so often, I find myself struggling between WWJD and what I want to do. I find all sorts of logic to justify myself, though I know has given a clear path. Ah, stupid, stubborn me...Father, mould my heart that it would follow whatever you desire.
...
Wars. It is terrible to be in the midst of it, but going through it helps you learn and mature. Some wars are worth fighting but in the words of Samuel:" Choose the wars to fight" There is only one me, and I certainly can't fight all wars. Father, strengthen my faith and grant me courage to do what is right. Grant me wisdom to fight the right wars, for Your glory and blessing to others.
But ya, war. I'm tired of fighting wars. They are so draining. I have to consider so many factors, from the position of my enemies to their logistic capabilities, from the weapons I use to the time/method I employ. Every small mistake can be fatal, or worst, backfire with dire consequences (often with collateral damage).
So many wars on so many fronts...
International war
Reason for war: to hold my ground and stand firm on principles. To protect my land and the people under me from "foreign" invaders. We will NOT be bullied...but neither will we be bullies. Realised the importance of diplomacy thru the words of wisdom from an experienced service-women: "It is important to stand firm for principles, but more important are the relationships. The true victor is one who wins both" Wow!!! Indeed, that calls for much wisdom, patience and understanding.
God has been AMAZINGLY merciful in these wars fought. Instead of enemies made, he has blessed me with beautiful friendships that are forged through the wars. It's a miracle, and indeed, he IS the great counsellor and prince of peace :)
Father Lord, help me to keep my angst in check, to learn to be firm, yet not hurtful. Grant me wisdom to be dynamic, creative and flexible, without compromising on what is right. 叫我对事不对人
Civil wars
Hardest to fight, for it concerns people who are under your care. Hard to find the balance, to have wisdom to see things from a bird's eye view, to be able to hear the story from both sides and discern the truth. Ever case is so different, yet like in law, once a case is presented and sentenced, it would be used as a guideline for the next case. And so, great caution and thought must be put into each case so that I will be fair.
Nobles - subjects or Nobles - royalty:
I tot this would be easy, but it turns out harder than it seems. The wisdom of Samuel says "Not to defy orders of the nobles before the subjects" and I totally agree. But yet, I have on a few accounts fallen into that, cos I cared too much for my subjects. I have ganged up with my subjects against the nobles, and that is not the right thing to do. Have I forgotten that the nobles too are my subjects and I have to care for them as well. As much as I am partially anti-establishment, I cannot embarrass my nobles before my subjects. Any issues should be done behind the scenes in discussion.
Subjects - subjects:
These are wars that pain me most. How I often pray for harmony and peace amongst my subjects, that they will be friends and leave with beautiful memories that hold them together. Yet, I'm beginning to hear more and more underlying tension in the grassroots. Mistrust is building up, comparison instead of cooperation. How can I help them to see the importance of teamwork, of supporting each other, of fighting ALONGSIDE each other and not WITH each other!!! The wisdom of Solomen says in Ecclesiastes 4: 9-12 "Two are better than one...Though one may be overpowered, two can defend themselves. A cord of three strands is not quickly broken"
But yet, we are sinful people living in a fallen world. Who of us can say we are not selfish. Even I dare not say I'm altruistic. I too am a sinful man, with selfish desires and personal motives. Who am I to judge and guide others? Only you Lord are pure in heart, blameless and perfect. Father, help guide my subjects to love one another as they love themselves.
Internal wars
These are the conflicts within me. Drives me crazy as if I am schizophrenic or bipolar. Having so many ego states, having to be so many roles at one time. I find myself sometimes a hypocrite when I'm in one role and seeing a case in another. But words of wisdom from CMW:" It doesn't matter whether you are M or O first, what matters is WHO YOU ARE!" Amen, and I thank God my identity is clear. I am the Son of God, created in His image. And the sole purpose of my life is to become more and more like him!
But of course, that doesn't actually make things easier, for so often, I find myself struggling between WWJD and what I want to do. I find all sorts of logic to justify myself, though I know has given a clear path. Ah, stupid, stubborn me...Father, mould my heart that it would follow whatever you desire.
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Wars. It is terrible to be in the midst of it, but going through it helps you learn and mature. Some wars are worth fighting but in the words of Samuel:" Choose the wars to fight" There is only one me, and I certainly can't fight all wars. Father, strengthen my faith and grant me courage to do what is right. Grant me wisdom to fight the right wars, for Your glory and blessing to others.
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