Angsty ++

It has been an extremely angsty week. On one day, things went so bad I guess I shocked my friends around me, and even shocked myself.

Why so angst? I can't even pinpoint a single event, but I guess it was multifactorial and also an accumulation of stored pressure of disatisfaction/disappointment/helplessness.

But thank God for great friends and colleagues around me, who supported me thru the angsty period and remind me to take a step back and reflect on such unnecessary anger.

Below are some thoughts:
1. Standing for what I feel strongly about
- I guess this is the overarching reason for all the angst. Now that I am in a certain position of power, I really hope to put in place some things which I had believed strongly though my past experiences. However, I forgot that the system that I am fighting is a really stubborn one, and people are not always receptive towards change. So in fighting stubborn resistance, it is hard not to become angsty.

It is a great struggle still to draw the line between standing for principles and becoming arrogant/stubborn. I am still trying to find the balance, but constantly feel that if I given way to certain principles, it would be difficult to make a stand the next time round. But yet, not all situations are always so clear cut. Sigh, it takes great wisdom to tread on such thin lines.

2. We will NOT be bullied
- The sense of being abused and demanded for, being treated without due respect and take granted for. We are often expected to do things beyond our physical ability and to perform despite sheer stress and constraints. Yes, I would do that out of goodwill and if the situation calls for, but not when I am demanded/ordered/expected to do so. I am a doctor, and as such, my primary role is clinical before administrative. If people think that my administrative role is more important, than cut down the clinical workload. But than again, I'm a doctor, and treating patients is what I am trained for.

3. Credit not given where credit is due
- After a long days work, staying back overtime to assist in administrative stuff, how would you feel if you received an email from your boss saying that you haven't done enough just because of 1 individual complain. Disappointed, upset, helpless, feel like giving up? Yeah, that and more. Why am I working so hard? Is it all worth it? Why should I care if this is how my superiors treat us or see our work. I love my job, and I don't demand recognition (for the satisfaction I get is from the smiles of my patients and staff). However, how can I tolerate "dis-recognition", especially when I am already not paid for my extra effort or compensated for my care. The least one can be is supportive and not oppressive...Brr..angst!!!

4. To prove otherwise
- I was deeply hurt and upset when one of my patients shouted and insulted my staff outside my clinic (I didn't hear it from him, thank God, but heard from my staff) after waiting for a while and not being seen. After all the hoo-ha, he said "I am not scolding you, but the f***** inside (ie me)". And that was an extremely busy day of clinic which I ran solo. I had to pack lunch to see patients, didn't even stop for toilet break!!! And there you have such unthoughtful, ungrateful people out there hurling insults at ME!!! Fortunately, that was the end of the day...

...but the true angst came the next day, when I ran clinic solo again. There was a case which took me a while to manage and when I returned, I realised I had >20 patients to clear, of which some were "making noise" outside. I don't know what overcame me, but the sudden thought came "since ppl complain about waiting time, I will cut their waiting time, and they will suffer the consequences". I cleared all the patients in 1.5h, saw them mechanically without much emotion, not stopping to allow them to voice any question (other than answer mine). Still clinical and safe, minus the service and smile.

Ah...all that angsst. Feels better to voice them out, yet feels so stupid and immature about myself. Man, I am much better than that! To be so petty and calculative. As I was angst-ing, my dearest bro brought me back before Christ and I felt a sudden shame and heartache. "Why the angst?" I could almost hear God say "have I not created you for more than that? Where is the love?"

Sigh, indeed, where is the love? Didn't God already state in His word "To love the Lord your God with all your heart, all your soul, all your mind and all your strength. Then to love each other as you love yourself." If God had been in the picture, there would not be the need for any angst. For He promised to let judgement be His to pronounce, no need for me to be the judge. For He said "to work at everything with all our heart, as if for the Lord and not for Man". Who cares what others say about me, I don't need their acknowledgement, for it is God whom I serve, and if He acknowledges me, whom shall I fear?

Indeed, angst is a sign of arrogance, and God clearly states that He will put down the arrogant and raise up the humble. The wars on earth are not meant for mere mortals like me to fight, for He will fight for us...and He has already gained victory!!! Father Lord, I am so sorry for being stiffed-neck and stubborn. Through all these angst, I realised just how self-centered I have been. Father, please help me, to be gentle in heart just as You are, and not be corrupted by the power I have. Father Lord, I offer my life into Your hands, give me wisdom to make the right judgement, humility to learn and compassion to love. May my life be a worship onto you and a blessing to others. Amen.