An emptiness inside

Walking out of camp today, after a really meaningful and exciting week of work, I suddenly felt an empty hollow inside...

...many of my medics are going to ORD
...I am going to ORD (or at least going for a long leave/off/break)

Ah, an empty hollow in desperate need for the Lord to fill, and only He can fill.

But I realised how much I love my work and just how much I care...

Find me faithful

Nov 2011...Jan 2012...Oct 2012...

After all that has been done, after all the effort and energy that has been invested, after all the nights of prayer and planning, after all the painful struggle to consider what is right, after all the time sacrificed, after all the heart work to love and care, after all the inspiration from above and wisdom from the Wise...

I only pray that the Lord will find me faithful in this mission He has put me on.

I may not be able to transform all the lives of those under my care, I may not be able build positive relationships with all I interact, I may not have left a good name behind. But if the Lord finds me faithful, for that  1 starfish along the shore, a starfish at a time, all the effort is worth it.

Dear Lord, pls find me faithful :)

学习放手

原来放手是个如此难的功课。

感谢主让我学习放手的自由和解脱。当我把眼前的事物抓得越紧，我就放弃了对上帝的依靠。无形中，夹在自己肩头上的担子也就重了许多。

“也许曾渴望拥有，但你要我学习放手，在每一分钟”
是的，主啊，我愿意将我的全心交在你手中，毫无保留。让我的手一生抓紧你的手。

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The past week has been full of turmoil. I was running solo, taking on roles of x2 MO and x1 SM all at one go. Plus, it didn't help that so many things were happening that required my attention and by some unknown force, I had an increased load of patients and medical reviews. It was simply crazy and I was close to being driven mad. Day by day the stress piled up and I was close to break down. I was so uptight and high strung, snapping at any instance available. Things got so bad to the extend that I snapped at my own medics. I could barely smile, almost as if being happy would only drain me further.

And finally, I did snap. I could no longer see any more patients, I could no longer talk to anyone. I was giddy with anger, stress, tiredness, disappointment and helplessness. I was upset with myself for being in such a pitiful state, yet not being able to break free from it. I felt extremely under appreciated yet over demanded.  My heart ached and if not for me being in uniform, I could almost cry.

人的镜头是神的开始!

Indeed, God' grace and mercy is always sufficient and timely. Just as my world collapsed, He sent His angels  to support and help me. Friends came at the time of need to share my load. And, by God's grace, a common message they shared: "It is time to let go."

I struggled through the weekend with this in mind. How can I let go? I have already put so much effort into the work I have been doing. How can I just give up and let go? Would this be Biblical? Should I not be persevering in doing what is right, fighting for what is right? I stubbornly refused to let go. There must be another way...

But God disciplines those He loves and just like Jonah, He didn't just let me go. This morning, I was extremely late for service and I was the worship leader. I overslept cos I was up the whole night preparing for the slides. I need not have done that, but out of a personal desire, I held on blindly and did it anyway. But because I was late, much of the slides weren't projected. Instead, I was late and nearly caused the service to be disrupted.

Yes, I am holding on to too much. As a result, I become so burdened and stressed for no good reason. I want control, but yet the more control I hold, the more of it I loose. A taut thread will surely break one day. And with my hands closed up in a fist, I can no longer grab onto the only lifeline, the healing and saving hands of God.

I need to let go. Relax my grip on the things of this world. Let others have a chance to display their talents. Leave God space to work His miracles, and I, just sit back and stare in awe of His glory and grace. I need to let go and let God!

Dear Father, teach me to let go of  my grip on the world and let You take control. May Your peace and joy fill my heart once more, grant me patience and wisdom to not rush into things or be quick to control, but to let You take control of every situation, so that You will gain all glory and me, t just bask in Your glory. Amen.

Happy Birthday Singapore!!!

Year after year, NDP never fails to remind me that I am a Singaporean and just how much I love my country. God has blessed Singapore, guiding us through the many storms and struggles, granted our leaders wisdom to lead us and our people to be united. There is always room for improvement, but on our nation's 47th birthday, let us take time to count our blessings and give thanks!



Dearest fellow Singaporeans, this is home. There may be areas we dislike, there may be people we find hard to follow, there may be cultures/practices/systems that irk us. But as long as we call ourselves Singaporeans, let us hold our identity up with pride! The future may be uncertain, we may live in turbulant times, we may make mistakes. But if we stand united, seek harmony and fight hand-in-hand, there is nothing we cannot achieve!



 Loving Singapore, our home!!

 It has always been my dream to participate in NDP. I thought this could be fulfilled this year that I'm serving my NS, but I missed the chance :( I'm certain there would still be many opportunities ahead, a chance a year :)

To my beloved nation, may the Lord continue to bless us to be a blessing to others, teach us to love and live in harmony, guide us to be a testimony of His glory! Happy Birthday Singapore!!!

Disappointed

It was Friday. I had all the intention to let everyone go off at 1630h. We went out running early, came back early. I went to settle some time-urgent stuff, told my sergeant to get everyone to fall in at 1630h. But to my greatest horror, I walked out of my room to find only half the strength left!!!

WTH!!!

Didn't I already tell everyone the day before to give me that "little" respect to fall in together? Have I not been trying my best to let everyone go off as early as possible? Have I not been fighting wars for their welfare? Have I not been trying my to be a fair and reasonable leader? For everything that I have done, this is what I get?

Worst still when I confirmed that everyone just left...like that! It was almost as if it were their right to leave early. No one had the courtesy to inform me that they were leaving, or had to leave early. I was dumbfounded and dead disappointed. What broke my heart more was the fact that many who left were people whom I trusted. How could they do this? Don't they know my intentions? Was this a blatant disregard for my commands?

Have I been too lenient? Have I been too soft and forgiving that people take me for granted? Have I been too friendly that people disregard me as their superior? Just that same morning, more than 10 people came late, many did not even apologise or have the least sense of remorse. I sat by the door and they just walked pass me, some not even saying hi, as if I was invisible.

It has been a progressive display of disrespect, selfishness and irresponsibility. And this is the last straw!

How long shall I pretend I did not know? How long will I tolerate such nonsense? How much more of such unacceptable behaviour can I accept? People are already complaining that I am overly protective over my guys. But I don't care what others say! I am their leader. If I don't defend them, who will? But if my defence results in such rebound phenomenon, I am doing my guys more harm then good.

I prayed...and prayed. What makes a good Christian leader? What would Jesus do? Would He not flip the tables at the temple and make straight the crooked road? Would He not speak truth with love, rebuke for the good of others? Oh Lord, please give me wisdom and strength! You have placed me to be the captain of many, please help me to lead them in the way pleasing to You. Teach me to love them and discipline them when necessary. Help me be consistent and fair.

I can no longer do nothing.

Our lovelie-douvie

Dancing under the moonlight with you in my arms, God has reaffirmed the truth, you are the beautiful gift He has in my life.

We will soon make each other complete. We will soon become one.

I close my eyes and bow my head in thanksgiving, for you and this wonderful night.

Oh Lord, teach me to treasure the gifts You have placed in my life :) For everything good comes from You!

Captain Sir

Had a rare chance wondering through the Youtube jungle, I found myself in the Army/NS plantation, seeing video after video related to NS. Watched the army daze shots, some sessions of the Nooze which discussed about NS, our commando training (invariably think of Dom), guards conversion (and I thought of Weijie), Scouts training, NDU, Midshippers etc...The more I watched, the more my heart stirred. Deep inside me, I really want to go thru all these courses too. I could almost picture myself in FBO crossing the river or doing some fast march or repelling. But as the emo bubble burst to reveal logic, I am faced with the reality: I will not be physically fit to go thru the training. I may not have the mental capacity to sustain the grulling torture, I will not have great friends/buddies to support me along the way, I may not be able to let down my pride (especially of the rank I now hold).

Yet, the deep desire to do some "army" stuff does not simmer away, not even a bit. I begin to browse thru all the facebook photos of other's army life in unit, all the fun and faces during exercise/training. Such comrade and excitement, of going thru tough times with your buddies. I recalled my own MOCC training with a little bit of guilt and shame. I should have been more optimistic, more on the ball, to enjoy the pain of training and reap the joy of friendship and brotherhood. The route marches together, the outfields, the tekan sessions, the WWWW...they are so vivid yet so distant. How I do wish I could relive all of it once more.

And I turn to look at my medics and my medical center. My heart sinks a little. Dear dear, they don't know what they are missing! They have lost the joy of combat training and comrade. I hear of the many disagreements on the ground, of office politics played out right under my nose, of bias-ness and favoritism. There is a great lack of motivation to move forward to do things out of comfort zone, a lack of purpose and drive. There is a great lack of unity, of brotherhood, of going to battle together.  I have been trying so hard to re-instill that sense of unit life, but honestly, I am getting discouraged trying. I push for IPPT, shoots etc, but dragging people out to even do PT is soon becoming a chore. I try my best to know everyone, to talk to ppl, to motivate individuals, but my key stakeholders are ORDing soon and the unmotivated rest are just pulling everyone down. I wanna teach, give incentives, and I don't know why, I'm sometimes feel my efforts go unappreciated.

It's upsetting and discouraging. Suddenly, I actually feel like giving up. Especially when my SGT told me today he has lost the purpose which he had a while ago, and I cannot help but agree. I'm losing it too.

I feel like I'm fighting this battle alone and running low on ammo. And as the medical center work piles up, it becomes harder and harder for me to engage my medics. Even then, I am lost at how to engage and encourage them. I am beginning to take steps back and simply letting go. I have been letting my guard down, being too comfortable with myself, being less aware of how my actions have an impact on my medics...I am soon unbecoming of a good leader, my actions and decision soon follow my gut rather than my heart/mind. I fear I'm becoming biased, losing the consistency and fairness.

How can I lead my man? Am I still a worthy leader?

As I browsed thru my phone messages, one of Jeremy's old message spoke to me once more. This was after our initial horrendous idea to institute regimentation (dtd 19/2/2012):
"Yeah, I was kept up last night by this issue and I have been praying for the medics and you. I think it can still work in our favour. At least they trust you enough to approach you.

Just wanna encourage you with 1 Sam 22:2. Everyone who was in distress, and everyone who was in debt, and everyone who was discontented gathered to him; and he became captain over them. This was talking about David as he was running for his life and hidding in a cave all the misfits in society gathered around him, these guys later became David's mighty men, some of the strongest warriors that Isreal have ever seen.

I see a correlation with our medics whom you are captain over. As I speak to them I realised that many of them are directionless and have no idea what to do with their life. They need a leader to show them the way and that person is YOU!"

Father, indeed it is You who have placed me captain over the medical center. Father, I am no natural leader and am without organisational skills or commanding talents. I have not the physical or mental strength to fight wars or scale obstacles. I was not even selected to be in command school! Yet Father, just as you have chosen David, you have placed the undeserving me where I am. Father, I really don't deserve this rank and the responsibility upon my shoulders is heavy, yet Father, You remind me it is not me leading but You leading thru me. Father, You are the general and I'm merely executing Your commands. Father, relief me of the painful reigns, to let go and let You, for this medical center is Yours! Father, I cannot change the hearts of man, but only You can. Father, I pray for greater motivation and willingness in my medics, to seek a greater purpose in life. I pray for unity and harmony amongst the medical center, that medics will not see themselves as individual departments, but belonging to the medical center. Above all, I pray that the Holy Spirit will touch their hearts and shape them with a renewed sense of purpose and direction!

Oh Father, grant me the strength and wisdom to do your will here in the medical center. Remind me that YOU are the captain, not me. Teach me to rely on Your wisdom and not on mine. Humble me to trust in Your guidance once more. Father, I commit NSMC into Your hands! Please be the Lord over this army!!