I thank God.
For reminding me, that im just a child in His eyes. a child, learning to grow, preciously held, stubborn at times, yet loved.
Indeed, todays intro bible study has revealled so much inside me. declaring God's glory was the title, n I tot, I ve heard so much about it in cf, wats new? n God, thru Sarah, slapped me real hard wif this "If we think we know God's glory, then we are truly blind". I tot i had a wealth of christian experience, of better christian knowledge than others. but i suddenly realised, painfully, that all these did not matter.
My life has been increasing devoid of God. i m losing the very innocence n joy of having faith n trusting in God. my r/s wif others,is soon taking up a senior/superior form "i ve got income", "I've got knowledge", "I'm a doctor, u are not"
Even in church ministry, I think I m spirtually way ahead, served in so many vocations, had much bible study n lessons. but God has helped me realise that i m no more than a child, learning to serve n love Him again.
At work, I realise MBBS is really nothing. i have almost forgotten all the knowledge n skills i ve gain. Indeed, as I work (and see my seniors) work (or even my juniors around practicing), I think they are so much better me. I am a dangerous doctor...and the greatest danger is that I don't recognise the danger.
Sunday, January 30, 2011
Sunday, January 16, 2011
I don't want to grow up
Talked to andrew earlier, n realised just how much i dont want to grow.
Andrew suggested tat i do some tough speciality n get good training. my mind sings the same song, but my heart is so weary about it. after going thru these months of pain, i dont really want to suffer it again. i just want a break!!! but do i need it?
Then here we are thinking about our xiaozhu's future, about finding a new leader, n fang yu suggested that being a leader is a good spiritual training, n i realised how much i dread growing up too *thanks zhengxin for e massage*
I have been wanting to take up the role of being a grp leader, but i know i cant. i dont have a clear burden, no direction. but i think back about the joys of leading cf, and i wonder why i cant do it now?
Ah, not to forget gcube. Did I not joined gcube cos I wanted to struggle and work out my faith? but i have been so dorment and inactive. Where has all the drive and passion gone? Where has the passion to grow in the Lord gone?
I dont want to grow up!!! i have not e courage to take up new burden, no heart to learn, no will to take the road of suffering...
But yet i know i must. i know God will want me to. but my heart...it is so weak, so waery...oh Lord, save me, speak to me n grant me the courage to move on. if not, my life wld crumble, my relationships will fail n my faith will be non-existance.
Father, pls also give me wisdom to learn n know where u wld want me to put my energies in. teach me to seek ur kingdom, ur will n to follow ur direction. help me Lord.\par}
Andrew suggested tat i do some tough speciality n get good training. my mind sings the same song, but my heart is so weary about it. after going thru these months of pain, i dont really want to suffer it again. i just want a break!!! but do i need it?
Then here we are thinking about our xiaozhu's future, about finding a new leader, n fang yu suggested that being a leader is a good spiritual training, n i realised how much i dread growing up too *thanks zhengxin for e massage*
I have been wanting to take up the role of being a grp leader, but i know i cant. i dont have a clear burden, no direction. but i think back about the joys of leading cf, and i wonder why i cant do it now?
Ah, not to forget gcube. Did I not joined gcube cos I wanted to struggle and work out my faith? but i have been so dorment and inactive. Where has all the drive and passion gone? Where has the passion to grow in the Lord gone?
I dont want to grow up!!! i have not e courage to take up new burden, no heart to learn, no will to take the road of suffering...
But yet i know i must. i know God will want me to. but my heart...it is so weak, so waery...oh Lord, save me, speak to me n grant me the courage to move on. if not, my life wld crumble, my relationships will fail n my faith will be non-existance.
Father, pls also give me wisdom to learn n know where u wld want me to put my energies in. teach me to seek ur kingdom, ur will n to follow ur direction. help me Lord.\par}
Saturday, December 18, 2010
to our MSW, CH and VNH
After dealing with so many social cases, I realised one thing...We should be praying for our MSW, the various community hospitals, voluntary nursing homes and other community service. Cos they are the "last defence" for our patients...but who is supporting this greatly deprived organisations? We often take them for granted, expect them to be there when we need them. May the Lord continue to provide and bless them.
Monday, December 6, 2010
There r no regrets in life, only lessons learnt
Just made a big boo boo.
Start: NAFA destination: the nearest mrt home.
Plan: little india mrt. then we walked...saw national library, thought, ah, bras bahsar mrt nearer, can take circle line. the walking towards nat lib, realised that i m actually nearer to bugis, then was at the junction when i suddenly rmb my journey from church to fes ie lib which was amazingly short, so decided to just walk to city hall instead (save money to transfer).
As i walked, in the silence of the night n coolness of the nat lib, i got really emo bout just how sad my life is. dreading life, dreading work, wondering how i can carry on, wondering how OTHERS carry on...walked walked, i found myself sitting at the seats beside smrt hq... ... ...
Then my phone rang. dad wanted me to buy bread. i dont know why, but i crazily answered, from carrefour? and so, i begin my journy back to dhoby ghaut...thru SMU, thru hotel rendavous... ... to suddenly realise, didnt i just start around here not too long ago????
I had almost walked back to where I started!!! What a big boo boo!!!!
But life is like this.
You learn from the mistakes u make. you learn from the imperfections. yes, sometimes the boo boos are more frequent, more repetative. sometimes the price to pay is much higher, more painful...but at the end of the day, what doesnt kill u only make u stronger.
And thus...every lesson in life becomes a blessing. thru mistakes u see ur weakness. thru weakness u see ur imperfection n incapability. and thru it u see Gods strength n perfection n blessings. what amazing love n grace :)
To think just moments ago i was contemplating ending my miserable life. what a misery it wld be then, to not see God's blessing n be filled wif such joy n grace :)
Hallelujah!!!! To God be the glory!!!
Start: NAFA destination: the nearest mrt home.
Plan: little india mrt. then we walked...saw national library, thought, ah, bras bahsar mrt nearer, can take circle line. the walking towards nat lib, realised that i m actually nearer to bugis, then was at the junction when i suddenly rmb my journey from church to fes ie lib which was amazingly short, so decided to just walk to city hall instead (save money to transfer).
As i walked, in the silence of the night n coolness of the nat lib, i got really emo bout just how sad my life is. dreading life, dreading work, wondering how i can carry on, wondering how OTHERS carry on...walked walked, i found myself sitting at the seats beside smrt hq... ... ...
Then my phone rang. dad wanted me to buy bread. i dont know why, but i crazily answered, from carrefour? and so, i begin my journy back to dhoby ghaut...thru SMU, thru hotel rendavous... ... to suddenly realise, didnt i just start around here not too long ago????
I had almost walked back to where I started!!! What a big boo boo!!!!
But life is like this.
You learn from the mistakes u make. you learn from the imperfections. yes, sometimes the boo boos are more frequent, more repetative. sometimes the price to pay is much higher, more painful...but at the end of the day, what doesnt kill u only make u stronger.
And thus...every lesson in life becomes a blessing. thru mistakes u see ur weakness. thru weakness u see ur imperfection n incapability. and thru it u see Gods strength n perfection n blessings. what amazing love n grace :)
To think just moments ago i was contemplating ending my miserable life. what a misery it wld be then, to not see God's blessing n be filled wif such joy n grace :)
Hallelujah!!!! To God be the glory!!!
Sunday, October 17, 2010
In the belly of the whale...
The boat is rocking violently in the raging storm. There seems to be no rest, no peace, no joy. All around is bitter darkness. How can one be the salt and light being beatten and thrown about in the raging sea? There seems to be no hope...only to jump off the boat...
And here comes the whale....*gulp*
God is good...all the time!!!
===============
I thank for His ever sufficient grace and blessings.When all seems hopeless, He blessed me today through Rev Wong TM's sharing at our church's anual Medical Sunday. It was a simple sharing on Christian devotion, a simply familiar theme which speaks deeply.
John 21:15-19
Jesus said:" Do you love me?"
Peter replied:"Yes I do Lord"
Jesus: "Feed my sheep/Take care of my sheep"
[x3]
These days, I began to realise how much God has been detached from my work. Work is increasingly becoming just work, an every day affair, a rigid ritual, an obstacle I have to cross (hopefully without too much trouble) before I can receive rest for that day. I begin each day counting down to the end of the day. More work = more pain. There seems to be no joy/hope, only stress and misery.
Yet this is what God has called me to! This is the place where I pray weekly at the end of service, I want to love and serve God in. Yet, have I been serving the Lord thru my work? I feel so guilty and unworthy of the purpose that God has called me to serve and worship Him. Work has become a curse... ... because I have lost sight of God.
Rev Wong shared an intresting point about worship, including both a creative/artistic expression and the practical/service expression of love to God. And what service would the Almighty need of us? Jesus puts it clearly: Feed my sheep/Take care of my sheep
That's what God has called all of us to do! For us to see Christ thru the suffering of others, to find Him amongst the needy. Yet, have I? Oh how blinded I have been to be seeking God in the wrong places when He can be found in the vast harvest field He has placed me in! God is right here in the midst of my work! I pray for God's kingdom to come and His will to be done, yet why am I so blind? Where is the Christian devotion in my life?
Cos my life has been too fragmented and thus fall into pieces. I have cut the line between personal/professional, sercular/sacred. Oh Lord, how I need your healing, to heal my fragmented life, to restore Your kingdom in the completeness of my life!
In worship, God inspires us to work.
In work, God receives our worship!
Father Lord, I pray:
1) That you help me see the suffering Christ in the suffering of the people I serve (patients/colleagues), that every one I serve be like serving you. Humble me to love them even when they are unlovable, give me the courage and out pouring of Your blessings.
2) Teach me to give without expecting any return (rest/recognision), but only the joy which comes from Your pleasure. May I be good...for nothing. May the work of my hands not receive recognision by the world, but by You O Lord!
3) Give me the courage to encourage others, to fan the passion in others, to serve and worship. Father, I thank you that you have not called us to be solo rangers in this battlefield, but to enter the World as a family of bro/sis, united in Your fellowship. Give me wisdom to care for my colleagues and juniors, to see them more than just colleagues but a family.
Father, all these I pray in your holy and precious name. Amen.
And here comes the whale....*gulp*
God is good...all the time!!!
===============
I thank for His ever sufficient grace and blessings.When all seems hopeless, He blessed me today through Rev Wong TM's sharing at our church's anual Medical Sunday. It was a simple sharing on Christian devotion, a simply familiar theme which speaks deeply.
John 21:15-19
Jesus said:" Do you love me?"
Peter replied:"Yes I do Lord"
Jesus: "Feed my sheep/Take care of my sheep"
[x3]
These days, I began to realise how much God has been detached from my work. Work is increasingly becoming just work, an every day affair, a rigid ritual, an obstacle I have to cross (hopefully without too much trouble) before I can receive rest for that day. I begin each day counting down to the end of the day. More work = more pain. There seems to be no joy/hope, only stress and misery.
Yet this is what God has called me to! This is the place where I pray weekly at the end of service, I want to love and serve God in. Yet, have I been serving the Lord thru my work? I feel so guilty and unworthy of the purpose that God has called me to serve and worship Him. Work has become a curse... ... because I have lost sight of God.
Rev Wong shared an intresting point about worship, including both a creative/artistic expression and the practical/service expression of love to God. And what service would the Almighty need of us? Jesus puts it clearly: Feed my sheep/Take care of my sheep
That's what God has called all of us to do! For us to see Christ thru the suffering of others, to find Him amongst the needy. Yet, have I? Oh how blinded I have been to be seeking God in the wrong places when He can be found in the vast harvest field He has placed me in! God is right here in the midst of my work! I pray for God's kingdom to come and His will to be done, yet why am I so blind? Where is the Christian devotion in my life?
Cos my life has been too fragmented and thus fall into pieces. I have cut the line between personal/professional, sercular/sacred. Oh Lord, how I need your healing, to heal my fragmented life, to restore Your kingdom in the completeness of my life!
In worship, God inspires us to work.
In work, God receives our worship!
Father Lord, I pray:
1) That you help me see the suffering Christ in the suffering of the people I serve (patients/colleagues), that every one I serve be like serving you. Humble me to love them even when they are unlovable, give me the courage and out pouring of Your blessings.
2) Teach me to give without expecting any return (rest/recognision), but only the joy which comes from Your pleasure. May I be good...for nothing. May the work of my hands not receive recognision by the world, but by You O Lord!
3) Give me the courage to encourage others, to fan the passion in others, to serve and worship. Father, I thank you that you have not called us to be solo rangers in this battlefield, but to enter the World as a family of bro/sis, united in Your fellowship. Give me wisdom to care for my colleagues and juniors, to see them more than just colleagues but a family.
Father, all these I pray in your holy and precious name. Amen.
Saturday, October 9, 2010
When the world seems to crumble...
...God sheds light...
...true light so gentle, yet so powerful, that pierces thru the darkest clouds.
When my world seems to crumble, I receive a gentle call, a prayer over the phone, from a beloved senior who reminds me, it'll be over soon.
When my world seems to crumble, I had a simply wonderful dinner at home, to be reminded of my dearest family members who are always behind me...my strongest pillar of support.
When my world seems to crumble, God sends friends, through blogs/phone calls/simple words of encouragements, that we are not alone.
When my world seems to crumble, my beloved drops a msg, writes a blog and reminded me what love can be.
When my world seems to crumble, I know His hand holds. Hands that are strong, secure, faithful, powerful, full of healing...He holds my world in His hands!!!
...And I know, my world will never crumble.
Because He lives, I can face tmr!!!
...true light so gentle, yet so powerful, that pierces thru the darkest clouds.
When my world seems to crumble, I receive a gentle call, a prayer over the phone, from a beloved senior who reminds me, it'll be over soon.
When my world seems to crumble, I had a simply wonderful dinner at home, to be reminded of my dearest family members who are always behind me...my strongest pillar of support.
When my world seems to crumble, God sends friends, through blogs/phone calls/simple words of encouragements, that we are not alone.
When my world seems to crumble, my beloved drops a msg, writes a blog and reminded me what love can be.
When my world seems to crumble, I know His hand holds. Hands that are strong, secure, faithful, powerful, full of healing...He holds my world in His hands!!!
...And I know, my world will never crumble.
Because He lives, I can face tmr!!!
Saturday, October 2, 2010
Living a life of Jonah
One thought fills my mind these days...Why am I so miserable doing what I know God wants me to do?
I know what God wants me to do is good, and I know (after 5+ years of evidence based experience) that God wants me journey this road to become a doctor, why am I so so so miserable/depressed/pained these days to be doing His work? Shouldn't doing God's work be joyful and happy? Shouldn't there be a great sense of peace as I love and serve Him thru my work? Why then am I so miserable at work these days?
I thought it was THE WORK (ext) factor. But when I turn to see friends/colleagues who display such passion and joy in their work, I realised it's not the work...but the worker (ie me). And thru my wonderful brother, Jon, God has shed some light over the mystery of misery...
I have been leading a life of Jonah.
It has always been my prayer that I want to be a Competent, Compassionate, Christian doctor so that others may see God in me. And I guess God is taking this process of moulding me very seriously. I realised that moments of great misery are often moments of my weakness:
- to do something I'm not confident or good at
- to do something time-consuming/tiring when I'm already tired
- when something I expect does not turn out the way I expect
- ...
I know.
But the mind and the heart just seems so detached. I know I must change, I know that all that is happening is good, but my heart just can't seem to take that. I'm just feeling miserable everyday, wanting only a slacker life, glad that I leave the hospital everyday, to leave the heavy baggage behind, but having such great inertia and dread to return each day. When more work comes/my work phone rings, my heart literally sinks as I pick it up instead of receiving them with a smile. At work, I'm merely a working machine. My mind is almost shut down. I don't think much/more than the task at hand (unlike so many of my friends/colleagues who can pick up the needs of patients and be sensitive to them). That is truly loving patients, being compassionate...and me, I am nowhere near that.
I'm travelling away from Nineveh, though as much as I am trying to turn towards Nineveh...
I pray. I really do with all my heart, that God help mebe more loving, me more sensitive, to have the courage to face each challenge and obstacle, to note be lazy and slack.
I try. To wear a smile when facing everyone, to be perfect in my work, to think more for my patient's needs, to be convinced that THIS is God's work.
But it's just so tiring. I'm just so helpless. I'm so useless. I'm just unable to do that which God calls me. Like Jonah, I'm casuing the ship to sink, bring everyone around with me. My carelessness has caused much trouble/burden to my teammates, my lack of clinical sensitivity/fear of mistakes/uncertainty has led to sub-optimal care of my patients, the internal struggle and pain has caused me to be so withdrawn from others, to become so selfish, refusing to love or reach out to others...
The ship is sinking...
Maybe I should just jump off into the sea...
I know what God wants me to do is good, and I know (after 5+ years of evidence based experience) that God wants me journey this road to become a doctor, why am I so so so miserable/depressed/pained these days to be doing His work? Shouldn't doing God's work be joyful and happy? Shouldn't there be a great sense of peace as I love and serve Him thru my work? Why then am I so miserable at work these days?
I thought it was THE WORK (ext) factor. But when I turn to see friends/colleagues who display such passion and joy in their work, I realised it's not the work...but the worker (ie me). And thru my wonderful brother, Jon, God has shed some light over the mystery of misery...
I have been leading a life of Jonah.
It has always been my prayer that I want to be a Competent, Compassionate, Christian doctor so that others may see God in me. And I guess God is taking this process of moulding me very seriously. I realised that moments of great misery are often moments of my weakness:
- to do something I'm not confident or good at
- to do something time-consuming/tiring when I'm already tired
- when something I expect does not turn out the way I expect
- ...
I know.
But the mind and the heart just seems so detached. I know I must change, I know that all that is happening is good, but my heart just can't seem to take that. I'm just feeling miserable everyday, wanting only a slacker life, glad that I leave the hospital everyday, to leave the heavy baggage behind, but having such great inertia and dread to return each day. When more work comes/my work phone rings, my heart literally sinks as I pick it up instead of receiving them with a smile. At work, I'm merely a working machine. My mind is almost shut down. I don't think much/more than the task at hand (unlike so many of my friends/colleagues who can pick up the needs of patients and be sensitive to them). That is truly loving patients, being compassionate...and me, I am nowhere near that.
I'm travelling away from Nineveh, though as much as I am trying to turn towards Nineveh...
I pray. I really do with all my heart, that God help mebe more loving, me more sensitive, to have the courage to face each challenge and obstacle, to note be lazy and slack.
I try. To wear a smile when facing everyone, to be perfect in my work, to think more for my patient's needs, to be convinced that THIS is God's work.
But it's just so tiring. I'm just so helpless. I'm so useless. I'm just unable to do that which God calls me. Like Jonah, I'm casuing the ship to sink, bring everyone around with me. My carelessness has caused much trouble/burden to my teammates, my lack of clinical sensitivity/fear of mistakes/uncertainty has led to sub-optimal care of my patients, the internal struggle and pain has caused me to be so withdrawn from others, to become so selfish, refusing to love or reach out to others...
The ship is sinking...
Maybe I should just jump off into the sea...
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