Living a life of Jonah

One thought fills my mind these days...Why am I so miserable doing what I know God wants me to do?

I know what God wants me to do is good, and I know (after 5+ years of evidence based experience) that God wants me journey this road to become a doctor, why am I so so so miserable/depressed/pained these days to be doing His work? Shouldn't doing God's work be joyful and happy? Shouldn't there be a great sense of peace as I love and serve Him thru my work? Why then am I so miserable at work these days?

I thought it was THE WORK (ext) factor. But when I turn to see friends/colleagues who display such passion and joy in their work, I realised it's not the work...but the worker (ie me). And thru my wonderful brother, Jon, God has shed some light over the mystery of misery...

I have been leading a life of Jonah.

It has always been my prayer that I want to be a Competent, Compassionate, Christian doctor so that others may see God in me. And I guess God is taking this process of moulding me very seriously. I realised that moments of great misery are often moments of my weakness:
- to do something I'm not confident or good at
- to do something time-consuming/tiring when I'm already tired
- when something I expect does not turn out the way I expect
- ...

I know.

But the mind and the heart just seems so detached. I know I must change, I know that all that is happening is good, but my heart just can't seem to take that. I'm just feeling miserable everyday, wanting only a slacker life, glad that I leave the hospital everyday, to leave the heavy baggage behind, but having such great inertia and dread to return each day. When more work comes/my work phone rings, my heart literally sinks as I pick it up instead of receiving them with a smile. At work, I'm merely a working machine. My mind is almost shut down. I don't think much/more than the task at hand (unlike so many of my friends/colleagues who can pick up the needs of patients and be sensitive to them). That is truly loving patients, being compassionate...and me, I am nowhere near that.

I'm travelling away from Nineveh, though as much as I am trying to turn towards Nineveh...

I pray. I really do with all my heart, that God help mebe more loving, me more sensitive, to have the courage to face each challenge and obstacle, to note be lazy and slack.

I try. To wear a smile when facing everyone, to be perfect in my work, to think more for my patient's needs, to be convinced that THIS is God's work.

But it's just so tiring. I'm just so helpless. I'm so useless. I'm just unable to do that which God calls me. Like Jonah, I'm casuing the ship to sink, bring everyone around with me. My carelessness has caused much trouble/burden to my teammates, my lack of clinical sensitivity/fear of mistakes/uncertainty has led to sub-optimal care of my patients, the internal struggle and pain has caused me to be so withdrawn from others, to become so selfish, refusing to love or reach out to others...

The ship is sinking...

Maybe I should just jump off into the sea...