I have come to somewhat a conclusion...I hate my life.
No, it's not that I hate living, but rather, I hate the way my life is being lived. Over the past weeks since I started my new posting, I have been living with many regrets I can hardly pen them down...reget not spending time with my loved ones, regret not loving my family more, regret being so tired and snappy outside of work, regret missing important occations, regret becoming more and more implosive...and soon, maybe...even to regret being a doctor...
My work has taken away so much of my time and energy. What's left is spent sleeping so that I can work again the next day. The more I think about, I find myself in such a pathetic and pitiful state. I put in my effort and love for others, at the expense of my loved ones. I try to do my best for my patients (even thou sometimes it may be rather unreasonable), but what am I doing for my loved ones? I have decreased interaction with my family (even my sis asked why she hasnt' seen me for so so long), I'm so tired when I do see my family, I become so snappy at them...I feel like an unfilial bastard, only taking from my family and giving nothing...Yes, I hate myself.
And my friends...I haven't seen my dear cabbages for close to a month. It was painfully and deeply painful when I heard that 2 dear friends are engaged. Not that I don't want them to be engaged (it s a great and joyous news...finally :P ), but that I can't be there to share in their joy :( I haven't been to church since 1 Sep.
Last but not least, I feel increasingly detached from God. I haven't been to church, but more than that, I find my prayers so so self centered, so much about my suffering, my pain. Though I pray (or rather cry out in distress), it's me that centers my prayer. Quiet time is so limited, cos I'm just so so tired when I sit down and be quiet, my eyes can't pass even 2 sentences. I'm living on "past reserves" and verses my dear friends constantly msg me. Sometimes, I even fill that cup of blessing deminishing, though my mind always reminds me, His grace is sufficient for me...
But indeed, God's grace is sufficient for me!!! Though it has been stormy and gloomy, God's light never ceases to shine through the rain. He has shown me so many miracles, revealing His power in ways I cannot image and holding me up each time I fall. God is good...all the time!!! If not for His strength, I would not even be able to live for another second. If not by His grace, I would have just let go and given up. If not for His faithfulness, life would have been meaningless.
Becase He lives, I can face tomorrow!!!
Oh Lord, be my ever present strength and joy in every circumstances, so I may shine for you, at home and at work.
Monday, September 20, 2010
Friday, September 10, 2010
The journey of the cross
No one said the journey of the cross would be easy.
But I never knew it could be so difficult and even painful....
Things were so terrible one night, I simply collapsed in the lift in tears and prayer. When the door openned, I ran out straight to the staff toilet in fear of being seen. It has been painful and stressful, to be in such an unfamiliar system, to work with unfamiliar faces, to realise that there's so much that I don't know, to be petrified by the fact I am a danger and burden to others...worst still, I started to see just how the stress at work is eating into me, sucking out every ounce of joy and love that I have. I become so tired/stressed/paralysed that even a simple simle becomes so difficult.
I begin to wonder, maybe I should just quit. One senior once said, why choose tough postings to suffer? Sld just get the slack postings and relax, enjoy life. I look at that now and wonder what's wrong with that? I'm so swamped now at work that I simply become a work machine, struggling to complete changes. Patients are no longer people but cases I need to attend to (must not miss out otherwise senior not happy). Nurses become classified into those that help and those that don't, rather than friends and partners. I no longer have the time or energy to sit down and slowly speak to ptn or to even smile and make friends. Everything must be done...and fast...stat...No love, no compassion, just get the job done (without getting a complain). The motivation to work each day becomes to satistfy seniors rather than to practice medicine. It's chillingly painful, yet a stark reality.
My family is almost cast aside. I leave home before the rest of the household wakes up and return when everyone is asleep. Dad, dagu and ergu have to wake up with me at 430am to prepare breakfast for me, yet I don't even have time to smile and say thanks when the taxi horns for me downstairs. Don't have time to share my siblings problems, don't have the energy to wish loved ones happy birthday. And my dear, just how long have we not spoken, not seen each other. How I miss her, to see her... They say it's a choice, if you choose to do something, you will make time for it..but this thought has become shackles weighing me down with guilt. I become more sucked and stuck down.
Prayers are minimised from shining for God to a simple "Oh Lord, help me survive the day". QT is almost non existant. I take out my Bible and soon find my mind so overwhelmingly occupied with the stress at work I can't even settle down myself to reflect and meditate. Even if i had the time to open the Bible, I simply fall asleep before even crossing 3 sentences.
Work...work...work...where is God in all these? Where is the love that I had hoped to give? How can I be a blessing to others when I am so useless, unexperienced, careless and weak? I become increasingly paralysed with fear, at times so paralysed I fear to even speak (in case I say something gravely wrong or stupid). I become sucked into the comfort zone that seems to be shrinking by the day...
Maybe I should really quit...
I can't quit my work...so maybe I sld just quit being nice. Or trying to...
Maybe it's ok to just do changes without feeling for ptns, maybe it's ok not to be nice to others, maybe it's ok to just treat work like work...Maybe...it's ok not to be a Christian at work...
....
NO!!!!
This IS the path God has set me on. This IS the road that i have choosen to take. This IS the journey to the cross!!! Jesus carried His cross to Calvary and now I shall carry my cross to Heaven.
Then He said to them all "If anyone would come after me, he must deny himself and take up his cross daily and follow me. For whoever wants to save his life will lose it, but whoever loses his life for me will save it. What good is it for a man to gain the whole world, yet lose or forfeit his very self? " Luke 9:22-23
This is the journey of the cross.
I praise and thank God for helping me see just how every day's struggle is drawing me closer to Him. At each obstacle I encounter, God is there, ready to shape and chistle me. Indeed, like Paul said, in our weakness God's glory is magnified! I am the clay in the Potter's hand, and though it will be painful being moulded and shaped, I want to be shaped into that perfect artwork my Potter has in mind.
Father, I thank you for placing me where I am. Though it has been (and will probably be) tough/painful and stressful, Lord I pray you strengthen me and fill me with Your Spirit. For Father, I serve not out of what I have, but out of the overflowing blessing inside me. And you alone are the source of blessings. Give me wisdom to learn fast, prioritise, be sensitive to dangerous signs/symptoms. Fill me with your love and joy, that I can love and bring joy to others. I thank you for the seniors and many friends you have placed around me, being so encouraging and supportive. Father, help me hold the cross at my workplace, that all will see and know You are God!!!
Amen
But I never knew it could be so difficult and even painful....
Things were so terrible one night, I simply collapsed in the lift in tears and prayer. When the door openned, I ran out straight to the staff toilet in fear of being seen. It has been painful and stressful, to be in such an unfamiliar system, to work with unfamiliar faces, to realise that there's so much that I don't know, to be petrified by the fact I am a danger and burden to others...worst still, I started to see just how the stress at work is eating into me, sucking out every ounce of joy and love that I have. I become so tired/stressed/paralysed that even a simple simle becomes so difficult.
I begin to wonder, maybe I should just quit. One senior once said, why choose tough postings to suffer? Sld just get the slack postings and relax, enjoy life. I look at that now and wonder what's wrong with that? I'm so swamped now at work that I simply become a work machine, struggling to complete changes. Patients are no longer people but cases I need to attend to (must not miss out otherwise senior not happy). Nurses become classified into those that help and those that don't, rather than friends and partners. I no longer have the time or energy to sit down and slowly speak to ptn or to even smile and make friends. Everything must be done...and fast...stat...No love, no compassion, just get the job done (without getting a complain). The motivation to work each day becomes to satistfy seniors rather than to practice medicine. It's chillingly painful, yet a stark reality.
My family is almost cast aside. I leave home before the rest of the household wakes up and return when everyone is asleep. Dad, dagu and ergu have to wake up with me at 430am to prepare breakfast for me, yet I don't even have time to smile and say thanks when the taxi horns for me downstairs. Don't have time to share my siblings problems, don't have the energy to wish loved ones happy birthday. And my dear, just how long have we not spoken, not seen each other. How I miss her, to see her... They say it's a choice, if you choose to do something, you will make time for it..but this thought has become shackles weighing me down with guilt. I become more sucked and stuck down.
Prayers are minimised from shining for God to a simple "Oh Lord, help me survive the day". QT is almost non existant. I take out my Bible and soon find my mind so overwhelmingly occupied with the stress at work I can't even settle down myself to reflect and meditate. Even if i had the time to open the Bible, I simply fall asleep before even crossing 3 sentences.
Work...work...work...where is God in all these? Where is the love that I had hoped to give? How can I be a blessing to others when I am so useless, unexperienced, careless and weak? I become increasingly paralysed with fear, at times so paralysed I fear to even speak (in case I say something gravely wrong or stupid). I become sucked into the comfort zone that seems to be shrinking by the day...
Maybe I should really quit...
I can't quit my work...so maybe I sld just quit being nice. Or trying to...
Maybe it's ok to just do changes without feeling for ptns, maybe it's ok not to be nice to others, maybe it's ok to just treat work like work...Maybe...it's ok not to be a Christian at work...
....
NO!!!!
This IS the path God has set me on. This IS the road that i have choosen to take. This IS the journey to the cross!!! Jesus carried His cross to Calvary and now I shall carry my cross to Heaven.
Then He said to them all "If anyone would come after me, he must deny himself and take up his cross daily and follow me. For whoever wants to save his life will lose it, but whoever loses his life for me will save it. What good is it for a man to gain the whole world, yet lose or forfeit his very self? " Luke 9:22-23
This is the journey of the cross.
I praise and thank God for helping me see just how every day's struggle is drawing me closer to Him. At each obstacle I encounter, God is there, ready to shape and chistle me. Indeed, like Paul said, in our weakness God's glory is magnified! I am the clay in the Potter's hand, and though it will be painful being moulded and shaped, I want to be shaped into that perfect artwork my Potter has in mind.
Father, I thank you for placing me where I am. Though it has been (and will probably be) tough/painful and stressful, Lord I pray you strengthen me and fill me with Your Spirit. For Father, I serve not out of what I have, but out of the overflowing blessing inside me. And you alone are the source of blessings. Give me wisdom to learn fast, prioritise, be sensitive to dangerous signs/symptoms. Fill me with your love and joy, that I can love and bring joy to others. I thank you for the seniors and many friends you have placed around me, being so encouraging and supportive. Father, help me hold the cross at my workplace, that all will see and know You are God!!!
Amen
Friday, July 16, 2010
Happy birthday
Someone...a rather long time ago...commented that birthdays are special moments for us to stop and give thanks for ALL the blessings the Lord has given us throughout our lifespan. Indeed, birthdays are possible only because of the gift of life God has given...and birthdays are precious, because of the gifts of love from many others God has given. Birthdays are not about ME, but rather, the many others God has given and blessed me with. It's a celebration of God's love !!!!
As I celebrate my second lunar cycle (ie 24 yrs), I am just amazed by God's blessings through the year and through the years. Family, friends, miracles are just about in every page and chapter of my life.
To all my dear friends out there...
THANK YOU!!!! for making my birthday possible :)
As I celebrate my second lunar cycle (ie 24 yrs), I am just amazed by God's blessings through the year and through the years. Family, friends, miracles are just about in every page and chapter of my life.
To all my dear friends out there...
THANK YOU!!!! for making my birthday possible :)
Monday, July 5, 2010
生命就是一场战争
许牧师 gave an inspiring sermon that truly touched my heart.
Sharing from 出埃及记 17: 8-16, it was a precious lesson from how God was the banner over the Isrealistes as they battled the Amalekites.
生命就是一场战争：
1）我们是否与神争战，或是神与我们争战？
2）我们是否为神而争战，或是神为我们争战？
3）我们是否在乎赢得战役，或是赢得战争？
Three questions that really hit the soul and searches the spirit. It questions the very attitude and motivation to our daily activities. There is no doubt that life is a daily battle. At a physical level (work, studies, relationships) or on a spiritual level. But how do we fight these battles? What sld our attitudes be?
Simply put, God is should be the center/focus of all battles. He should be the reason and motivation we fight. We battle each day for His cause, we battle for Him and not Him for us; and we want to focus on the final goal, the Cross, not just on the small wars each day.
How apt is this sharing in view of the work I do now! Indeed, I find myself in a daily battle in many sense of the word, against the world, against myself and against the devil. Yet so often, I find myself asking "Where is God?", "Why can't God just help me?" rather than recognising that God is the focus of ALL my work! What a foolish and blind man I have been, to be deceived by the Evil one.
Indeed, have been feeling very Spiritually dry recently. Maybe it's being sick and fatigued. Maybe it's things going more smoothly than usual. Or maybe it's just pure laziness to challenge my thinking and actions, to keep them in check. All in all, I have slowly taken over God's place in my life to become the self-centered me...and I know, life wld soon be in a mess if things don't start changing.
Oh Father Lord, I am such a weak and foolish person. I am so in need of Your grace and guidance. Help me Father, be my Jehovah Jireh and Jehovah Nissi, for I want to battle under Your banner till eternity. Amen.
Sharing from 出埃及记 17: 8-16, it was a precious lesson from how God was the banner over the Isrealistes as they battled the Amalekites.
生命就是一场战争：
1）我们是否与神争战，或是神与我们争战？
2）我们是否为神而争战，或是神为我们争战？
3）我们是否在乎赢得战役，或是赢得战争？
Three questions that really hit the soul and searches the spirit. It questions the very attitude and motivation to our daily activities. There is no doubt that life is a daily battle. At a physical level (work, studies, relationships) or on a spiritual level. But how do we fight these battles? What sld our attitudes be?
Simply put, God is should be the center/focus of all battles. He should be the reason and motivation we fight. We battle each day for His cause, we battle for Him and not Him for us; and we want to focus on the final goal, the Cross, not just on the small wars each day.
How apt is this sharing in view of the work I do now! Indeed, I find myself in a daily battle in many sense of the word, against the world, against myself and against the devil. Yet so often, I find myself asking "Where is God?", "Why can't God just help me?" rather than recognising that God is the focus of ALL my work! What a foolish and blind man I have been, to be deceived by the Evil one.
Indeed, have been feeling very Spiritually dry recently. Maybe it's being sick and fatigued. Maybe it's things going more smoothly than usual. Or maybe it's just pure laziness to challenge my thinking and actions, to keep them in check. All in all, I have slowly taken over God's place in my life to become the self-centered me...and I know, life wld soon be in a mess if things don't start changing.
Oh Father Lord, I am such a weak and foolish person. I am so in need of Your grace and guidance. Help me Father, be my Jehovah Jireh and Jehovah Nissi, for I want to battle under Your banner till eternity. Amen.
Wednesday, June 9, 2010
不求外在苦难短减，只求内心力量加添
I felt like crying, but yet no tears came. I felt like having an angina, a deep physical aching in my heart, almost crushing in nature. I was faint, naueating and even close to syncope. The more my thoughts went by, the worse the symptoms...Sucide came to mind, but I thank God for sweeping it away almost instantly.
Why am I here suffering? Why do I have to subject myself to such agony? I could simply quit and leave all these behind and move on. I could simply live each day on "survival mode" and de uninterested in the work. But yet, I know I can't...
I can't...because God would not want me to.
It's into the 2nd month of my HOship. One would expect that I'm more experienced, more settled down into the system, more confident in dealing with patients and medically related stuff. But on the contrary, I realise day by day just how much I do not know, even simple "medical student" level stuff. More and more of my weakness are revealled in dangerous situations, often, to the extend of scaring myself. I am a dangerous doctor, a terrible curse to my patients and a burden to my colleagues.
So I sld just quit...
But many have reminded me that I am barely starting on this journey. There's so much I don't know, so much I need to learn. I know I am a slow learner, and wld have to humble in learning and a little more hardworking in picking up these skills on the job. But... ... I'm tired. Physically, mentally, emotionally...and even Spiritually tired. It's becoming a struggle everyday to keep up the positiveness, to remember why I am here every day.
But we worship an amazing God!!!! Many times, I am just so thankful for God's blessing and encouragements from His word. Indeed, we serve not out of what we have, but out of an overflowing of the Lord's blessing. His Spirit fills us so abundantly that we simply outflow with His joy and grace. Therefore, He is glorified through our weakness (as Paul puts it nicely)!!!! What an amazing encouragement!!!
These days I feel like giving up, to just slack and care-less, to just live life my own way, disregarding everyone else. But God reminds and reprimands me, that I worship Him. He encourages me, that He who begin the good work, will see to its beautiful completion!!! And so, here is my prayer : 不求外在苦难短减，只求内心力量加添!
All glory to God alone!!!
Why am I here suffering? Why do I have to subject myself to such agony? I could simply quit and leave all these behind and move on. I could simply live each day on "survival mode" and de uninterested in the work. But yet, I know I can't...
I can't...because God would not want me to.
It's into the 2nd month of my HOship. One would expect that I'm more experienced, more settled down into the system, more confident in dealing with patients and medically related stuff. But on the contrary, I realise day by day just how much I do not know, even simple "medical student" level stuff. More and more of my weakness are revealled in dangerous situations, often, to the extend of scaring myself. I am a dangerous doctor, a terrible curse to my patients and a burden to my colleagues.
So I sld just quit...
But many have reminded me that I am barely starting on this journey. There's so much I don't know, so much I need to learn. I know I am a slow learner, and wld have to humble in learning and a little more hardworking in picking up these skills on the job. But... ... I'm tired. Physically, mentally, emotionally...and even Spiritually tired. It's becoming a struggle everyday to keep up the positiveness, to remember why I am here every day.
But we worship an amazing God!!!! Many times, I am just so thankful for God's blessing and encouragements from His word. Indeed, we serve not out of what we have, but out of an overflowing of the Lord's blessing. His Spirit fills us so abundantly that we simply outflow with His joy and grace. Therefore, He is glorified through our weakness (as Paul puts it nicely)!!!! What an amazing encouragement!!!
These days I feel like giving up, to just slack and care-less, to just live life my own way, disregarding everyone else. But God reminds and reprimands me, that I worship Him. He encourages me, that He who begin the good work, will see to its beautiful completion!!! And so, here is my prayer : 不求外在苦难短减，只求内心力量加添!
All glory to God alone!!!
Monday, May 17, 2010
The real deal
I'm into my 3rd week of being a doctor...and I'm still dumbfounded by this role that God has placed me in.
The power to heal...and kill...To build and to break, to love and to un-love. I feel like I'm standing in this thin balance where any small move will make or break...And how I hate such situations, to have so little space to manuever, to have so little confidence to propel, so little time to consider. It is truly out of my comfort zone...Yet I thank God for placing me where I am.
This is the real deal! This is the being of a compassionate, competent, Christian doctor I have been praying all my five years. And how I thank God for the vision He had given me right at the start of the journey, and how He hs promised me with a rainbow that He will see me through this journey.
Life in the wards is challenging. One is faced with many decisions, many relations. I can't multi-task for nuts and when things are thrown at me all of a sudden, I find myself simply lost in the pile of mess. Loving is not a mere emotion, but an action with rational decision. Deciding to love as Christ does takes great wisdom and humility, no more "gut feeling" but lots of prayful moments of inner conviction and inspiration.
Over the past 2 weeks, I have so often found myself in the dark side --- the uncompassionate, incompetent, self-centered me. I find a great struggle to even think WWJD, I find it a pain to pray, to think. What a great temptation it is to just be slack, get things done and survive. But I thank God He will not have me live my life so...How often He has rebuked me thru seniors, my dear bro Sam and many others, and also to encourage me thru them. All praise and glory to Him alone!!!
I have come to see my work as a worship and offering to God...and there can be NO substandards, not because I wanna shine in front of anyone, but cos I am accountable to Him, who has blessed me to bless others, who has called me to this office. Glory to God in the highest!!!
The power to heal...and kill...To build and to break, to love and to un-love. I feel like I'm standing in this thin balance where any small move will make or break...And how I hate such situations, to have so little space to manuever, to have so little confidence to propel, so little time to consider. It is truly out of my comfort zone...Yet I thank God for placing me where I am.
This is the real deal! This is the being of a compassionate, competent, Christian doctor I have been praying all my five years. And how I thank God for the vision He had given me right at the start of the journey, and how He hs promised me with a rainbow that He will see me through this journey.
Life in the wards is challenging. One is faced with many decisions, many relations. I can't multi-task for nuts and when things are thrown at me all of a sudden, I find myself simply lost in the pile of mess. Loving is not a mere emotion, but an action with rational decision. Deciding to love as Christ does takes great wisdom and humility, no more "gut feeling" but lots of prayful moments of inner conviction and inspiration.
Over the past 2 weeks, I have so often found myself in the dark side --- the uncompassionate, incompetent, self-centered me. I find a great struggle to even think WWJD, I find it a pain to pray, to think. What a great temptation it is to just be slack, get things done and survive. But I thank God He will not have me live my life so...How often He has rebuked me thru seniors, my dear bro Sam and many others, and also to encourage me thru them. All praise and glory to Him alone!!!
I have come to see my work as a worship and offering to God...and there can be NO substandards, not because I wanna shine in front of anyone, but cos I am accountable to Him, who has blessed me to bless others, who has called me to this office. Glory to God in the highest!!!
Tuesday, April 20, 2010
Dr Chua
Got myself registered with the Singapore Medical Council, got my PC and number. For the first time in my life, I sign an offical document addressed to Dr Chua Yu Cong Eugene :)
I can hardly describe the joy of seeing my name on the PC. It's a beautiful dream come true, a prize received at the end of a race.
My heart was filled with awe and amazement as I looked back about the five years that God has brought me through. All the miracles He has revealed in my life, all the obstacles and challenges He has carried me through, all the precious experiences and lessons learnt...Indeed, all praise and glory to God, for it was by His grace and strength alone that I can run this race. It was a long race of bitter-sweet joys and sorrows. It was a race with many hurdles and pits. I fell. I hurt myself, but God's hand was always there. Through every tough time, He sent forth His blessing, assured me with His promise, and helped me to stand and run again.
And now, a new race has began.
This is the race to become the compassionate, competent Christian doc God has called me to be. Yes, it's so exciting at the starting point. I begin to recall all the lessons God has taught me, all the inspirational role models He has blessed me to meet and all the struggles that lie ahead. It's gonna be another painfully long race, but I am sure the Lord will lead.
For now, let's get our hearts settled right with the Lord, awaiting His gunshot and run the race!!
I can hardly describe the joy of seeing my name on the PC. It's a beautiful dream come true, a prize received at the end of a race.
My heart was filled with awe and amazement as I looked back about the five years that God has brought me through. All the miracles He has revealed in my life, all the obstacles and challenges He has carried me through, all the precious experiences and lessons learnt...Indeed, all praise and glory to God, for it was by His grace and strength alone that I can run this race. It was a long race of bitter-sweet joys and sorrows. It was a race with many hurdles and pits. I fell. I hurt myself, but God's hand was always there. Through every tough time, He sent forth His blessing, assured me with His promise, and helped me to stand and run again.
And now, a new race has began.
This is the race to become the compassionate, competent Christian doc God has called me to be. Yes, it's so exciting at the starting point. I begin to recall all the lessons God has taught me, all the inspirational role models He has blessed me to meet and all the struggles that lie ahead. It's gonna be another painfully long race, but I am sure the Lord will lead.
For now, let's get our hearts settled right with the Lord, awaiting His gunshot and run the race!!
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