I hate my life!!!

I have come to somewhat a conclusion...I hate my life.

No, it's not that I hate living, but rather, I hate the way my life is being lived. Over the past weeks since I started my new posting, I have been living with many regrets I can hardly pen them down...reget not spending time with my loved ones, regret not loving my family more, regret being so tired and snappy outside of work, regret missing important occations, regret becoming more and more implosive...and soon, maybe...even to regret being a doctor...


My work has taken away so much of my time and energy. What's left is spent sleeping so that I can work again the next day. The more I think about, I find myself in such a pathetic and pitiful state. I put in my effort and love for others, at the expense of my loved ones. I try to do my best for my patients (even thou sometimes it may be rather unreasonable), but what am I doing for my loved ones? I have decreased interaction with my family (even my sis asked why she hasnt' seen me for so so long), I'm so tired when I do see my family, I become so snappy at them...I feel like an unfilial bastard, only taking from my family and giving nothing...Yes, I hate myself.


And my friends...I haven't seen my dear cabbages for close to a month. It was painfully and deeply painful when I heard that 2 dear friends are engaged. Not that I don't want them to be engaged (it s a great and joyous news...finally :P ), but that I can't be there to share in their joy :( I haven't been to church since 1 Sep.

Last but not least, I feel increasingly detached from God. I haven't been to church, but more than that, I find my prayers so so self centered, so much about my suffering, my pain. Though I pray (or rather cry out in distress), it's me that centers my prayer. Quiet time is so limited, cos I'm just so so tired when I sit down and be quiet, my eyes can't pass even 2 sentences. I'm living on "past reserves" and verses my dear friends constantly msg me. Sometimes, I even fill that cup of blessing deminishing, though my mind always reminds me, His grace is sufficient for me...

But indeed, God's grace is sufficient for me!!! Though it has been stormy and gloomy, God's light never ceases to shine through the rain. He has shown me so many miracles, revealing His power in ways I cannot image and holding me up each time I fall. God is good...all the time!!! If not for His strength, I would not even be able to live for another second. If not by His grace, I would have just let go and given up. If not for His faithfulness, life would have been meaningless.

Becase He lives, I can face tomorrow!!!

Oh Lord, be my ever present strength and joy in every circumstances, so I may shine for you, at home and at work.