Being focused!! Staying focused!!!

The past 2 days, I've been coming home tired and congested. Tired due to the long days, with surgical ward round starting at 630am. Congested with all the new emotions and influx of thoughts stirring in my head.

I just started my surgical SIP in TTSH. Though I the week started with great anticipation, it was also with great fear that I stepped into the wards. Fear of not being able to live up to expectations (of man and God), fear of being a burden to others, fear of not being able to learn (yes, my pride and ego), fear of not being a good doc (esp after all that prep talk)...Then there's the whole getting-to-know-people stress...But God has been really gracious blessing me with great partners (Jacob and Gabriel) and a wonderful team!

Then, there's 2 nights of residency talk by NHG cluster which left us confused and even more uncertain of the future. It also revealed the painful competitiveness in the whole system which lies ahead eg. only 3 places for Emed in TTSH. Coupled with all the "which resisdency to do?" talk, about deciding our future, about thinking what I really want to do? Which route would suit me (and which I can do/get in), yea, there's really alot up there in my mind.

On my way home from TTSH, I could feel that heavy heart and trouble soul. With all the change happening around, all the chaos and flux churning within the limited cranial space, I feltso lost, frustrated and helpless. The future seemed bleak. The immediate future: Learning to survive each day in the wards and pick up important skills which will benefit my patients in the future. Realised (once again) that I'm so lousy and lost. The near future: To pass MBBS... And the future: Which route to take? What basis to work on helping me make the decision? Learning? Working? Working environment?

I'm now reading this book "Tender Warrior" by Stu Weber (Sam lent me). It has challenged me to be the Man after God's heart, the Man God has designed to be. In one of the chapters, Stu shared about being focused. A Man should be focused on the tasked assgin and the mission ahead Ah!!! Eureka!!! In all the sludge of thoughts, a bright light broke thru! In the midist of all the change, how much more important it is to stay focused on the mission God has set for me and more importantly, to stay focused on Him. Why be so caught up with the whole resisdency thingy? Does it really matter what route I choose? No, it doesn't!!! As long as I look to the Lord and focus on Him, even though I don't get into any resisdency, it doesn't matter. Yeah, I may lose a few years, but God has His greater plan thru all these.

Father, teach me to focus on you and not on Man. Whatever the storm, guide me thru that I may walk on water and fly under Your eagles' wings.