I'm into my 3rd week of being a doctor...and I'm still dumbfounded by this role that God has placed me in.
The power to heal...and kill...To build and to break, to love and to un-love. I feel like I'm standing in this thin balance where any small move will make or break...And how I hate such situations, to have so little space to manuever, to have so little confidence to propel, so little time to consider. It is truly out of my comfort zone...Yet I thank God for placing me where I am.
This is the real deal! This is the being of a compassionate, competent, Christian doctor I have been praying all my five years. And how I thank God for the vision He had given me right at the start of the journey, and how He hs promised me with a rainbow that He will see me through this journey.
Life in the wards is challenging. One is faced with many decisions, many relations. I can't multi-task for nuts and when things are thrown at me all of a sudden, I find myself simply lost in the pile of mess. Loving is not a mere emotion, but an action with rational decision. Deciding to love as Christ does takes great wisdom and humility, no more "gut feeling" but lots of prayful moments of inner conviction and inspiration.
Over the past 2 weeks, I have so often found myself in the dark side --- the uncompassionate, incompetent, self-centered me. I find a great struggle to even think WWJD, I find it a pain to pray, to think. What a great temptation it is to just be slack, get things done and survive. But I thank God He will not have me live my life so...How often He has rebuked me thru seniors, my dear bro Sam and many others, and also to encourage me thru them. All praise and glory to Him alone!!!
I have come to see my work as a worship and offering to God...and there can be NO substandards, not because I wanna shine in front of anyone, but cos I am accountable to Him, who has blessed me to bless others, who has called me to this office. Glory to God in the highest!!!
Monday, May 17, 2010
Tuesday, April 20, 2010
Dr Chua
Got myself registered with the Singapore Medical Council, got my PC and number. For the first time in my life, I sign an offical document addressed to Dr Chua Yu Cong Eugene :)
I can hardly describe the joy of seeing my name on the PC. It's a beautiful dream come true, a prize received at the end of a race.
My heart was filled with awe and amazement as I looked back about the five years that God has brought me through. All the miracles He has revealed in my life, all the obstacles and challenges He has carried me through, all the precious experiences and lessons learnt...Indeed, all praise and glory to God, for it was by His grace and strength alone that I can run this race. It was a long race of bitter-sweet joys and sorrows. It was a race with many hurdles and pits. I fell. I hurt myself, but God's hand was always there. Through every tough time, He sent forth His blessing, assured me with His promise, and helped me to stand and run again.
And now, a new race has began.
This is the race to become the compassionate, competent Christian doc God has called me to be. Yes, it's so exciting at the starting point. I begin to recall all the lessons God has taught me, all the inspirational role models He has blessed me to meet and all the struggles that lie ahead. It's gonna be another painfully long race, but I am sure the Lord will lead.
For now, let's get our hearts settled right with the Lord, awaiting His gunshot and run the race!!
I can hardly describe the joy of seeing my name on the PC. It's a beautiful dream come true, a prize received at the end of a race.
My heart was filled with awe and amazement as I looked back about the five years that God has brought me through. All the miracles He has revealed in my life, all the obstacles and challenges He has carried me through, all the precious experiences and lessons learnt...Indeed, all praise and glory to God, for it was by His grace and strength alone that I can run this race. It was a long race of bitter-sweet joys and sorrows. It was a race with many hurdles and pits. I fell. I hurt myself, but God's hand was always there. Through every tough time, He sent forth His blessing, assured me with His promise, and helped me to stand and run again.
And now, a new race has began.
This is the race to become the compassionate, competent Christian doc God has called me to be. Yes, it's so exciting at the starting point. I begin to recall all the lessons God has taught me, all the inspirational role models He has blessed me to meet and all the struggles that lie ahead. It's gonna be another painfully long race, but I am sure the Lord will lead.
For now, let's get our hearts settled right with the Lord, awaiting His gunshot and run the race!!
Monday, April 5, 2010
The "joys" of being a doctor
An account from my SIP days...
There’s this old lady under my team’s care who has a past medical history of
1) multiple myeloma
2) congestive heart failure
3) rheumatic arthritis
4) Fe/B12 deficiency
5) Osteoporosis
6) CVA
In addition, she has scabies, which is probably the reason why people choose to keep away from her. “Scabies is infectious!!! And you don’t want scabies” I admit that I would not go close to her without gloves and gown either.
If you have a heart, when you see this poor lady all curled up alone in her bed, you can’t help but have an ache. Bones and joints badly deformed due to RA, she lies there on bed like an embryo. She’s barely able to move, completely ADL dependent and feeds through an NG tube. On the few occasions I talked to her, she said she hasn’t eaten for days and wonders if she would die without eating. I tried my best to explain that her body is still receiving nutrient via the NGT and she’ll just nod, almost resigned to fate. (Ah, I wished I could get the speech therapiest to review her and see if she can start feeding. But then again, what if she aspirates? Plus, she’ll need some one to feed her. Yet, aren’t we robbing her of the simple pleasures of feeding, replacing it with an NGT? )
Walking along the corridors, you could often see Mdm X staring blankly into space, as if in her own fantasy world. I sure pray it’s beautiful memories that are flying through her mind, to bring her a smile or 2 as the days pass by. Yet would reality be so painful that she has simply accepted the “life” she now has, confined to the bed she stays, her world limited to the narrow visual field her eyes are permitted to see. Being ignorant to such a great torturous truth seemed like the more comforting alternative.
No one visits Mdm X, at least in my knowledge. You can even feel an invisible ring surrounding her that seems cursed, where no one wants to tread. Lonely and alone, I shudder to consider such painful loneliness. Won’t life be meaningless when you are in this pitiful state? And God said He came to give us life, and life to fullest. I can hardly see any life in Mdm X.
When asked what she hoped for, her only answer was to return to her former old folks home (at Orchard road). Hearing that is like a stab through my heart. I do not doubt the care the hospital here, but wherever that old folks home is, it's truly home...and yet it ain't a real home, by my definition.
The most painful stroke for me was when I had to set an IV line for Mdm X. I know I’m lousy at IV lines to start with. Her veins are not the most difficult ones, by my standard. They were palpable and visible. Yet as I set my first one, the tubing got kicked :( Already, Mdm X was screaming in pain, the slow, deep wrenching scream of sheer pain. Yet I failed!!! Oh, how I prayed for a success, that I would not have to do it a second time. But why did I fail? Why is it always me who have to inflict pain on others…
How I wish I can vow to never inflict pain again. But yet I know that wld be impossible. I know my limitations and my weakness. But I know, in God, all things are possible...I just have to trust Him, to guide me to care for my patients.
There’s this old lady under my team’s care who has a past medical history of
1) multiple myeloma
2) congestive heart failure
3) rheumatic arthritis
4) Fe/B12 deficiency
5) Osteoporosis
6) CVA
In addition, she has scabies, which is probably the reason why people choose to keep away from her. “Scabies is infectious!!! And you don’t want scabies” I admit that I would not go close to her without gloves and gown either.
If you have a heart, when you see this poor lady all curled up alone in her bed, you can’t help but have an ache. Bones and joints badly deformed due to RA, she lies there on bed like an embryo. She’s barely able to move, completely ADL dependent and feeds through an NG tube. On the few occasions I talked to her, she said she hasn’t eaten for days and wonders if she would die without eating. I tried my best to explain that her body is still receiving nutrient via the NGT and she’ll just nod, almost resigned to fate. (Ah, I wished I could get the speech therapiest to review her and see if she can start feeding. But then again, what if she aspirates? Plus, she’ll need some one to feed her. Yet, aren’t we robbing her of the simple pleasures of feeding, replacing it with an NGT? )
Walking along the corridors, you could often see Mdm X staring blankly into space, as if in her own fantasy world. I sure pray it’s beautiful memories that are flying through her mind, to bring her a smile or 2 as the days pass by. Yet would reality be so painful that she has simply accepted the “life” she now has, confined to the bed she stays, her world limited to the narrow visual field her eyes are permitted to see. Being ignorant to such a great torturous truth seemed like the more comforting alternative.
No one visits Mdm X, at least in my knowledge. You can even feel an invisible ring surrounding her that seems cursed, where no one wants to tread. Lonely and alone, I shudder to consider such painful loneliness. Won’t life be meaningless when you are in this pitiful state? And God said He came to give us life, and life to fullest. I can hardly see any life in Mdm X.
When asked what she hoped for, her only answer was to return to her former old folks home (at Orchard road). Hearing that is like a stab through my heart. I do not doubt the care the hospital here, but wherever that old folks home is, it's truly home...and yet it ain't a real home, by my definition.
The most painful stroke for me was when I had to set an IV line for Mdm X. I know I’m lousy at IV lines to start with. Her veins are not the most difficult ones, by my standard. They were palpable and visible. Yet as I set my first one, the tubing got kicked :( Already, Mdm X was screaming in pain, the slow, deep wrenching scream of sheer pain. Yet I failed!!! Oh, how I prayed for a success, that I would not have to do it a second time. But why did I fail? Why is it always me who have to inflict pain on others…
How I wish I can vow to never inflict pain again. But yet I know that wld be impossible. I know my limitations and my weakness. But I know, in God, all things are possible...I just have to trust Him, to guide me to care for my patients.
Saturday, April 3, 2010
Remember the cross
This is one Good Friday which doesn't feel Good friday-ish. Maybe cos the holiday is in the middle of my holiday so don't have that extra feel. Maybe I haven't been to church for a while and have missed the lent reminder (大斋). Maybe my sphere of Christian influence are mostly overseas...But no matter what, there can be no excuse and I am truly ashamed that I haven't spent time reflecting on the cross...forgive me Lord.
But I thank God for my church pastor Rev Titus Zhang. He is truely a gifted speaker. He speaks with great wisdom from God, founding his sermon closely onto the Word and inspiring his sheep to follow after Christ. What a blessing it is to be led by such a shephard...haha, to think that I was angst with him once, foolish me.
Rev Zhang shared a very interesting perspective of the cross...rejection and seperation.(十架上的离弃). The cross marked Christ's rejection by many. (1) the Jews who welcomed Him with palm leaves and shouts of praise were the people who shouted "Crucify Him". (2) His beloved disciple Peter denied Him 3 times, each with a stronger curse. (3) God the Father forsaking Him as He bore the sins of th world.
(1) & (2) Why was there such rejection? It was because Christ did not meet their expectations. When the Jews failed to learn the meaning of Messiah, they found Jesus unfit to be their King as He proclaims. And similarly, when Christ was no longer in a powerful state, Peter's humanly reaction was to run away. Isn't it so between man-man r/s? So often, r/s fall apart becasue one party fails to meet another party's expectations...I can think of a very personal friendship that fits the description.
(3) But not so in the Father's rejection of the Son! Yes, this was a painful rejection, when Christ shouted "My God, my God, why have you forsaken me?" (Mat 27: 46). It was a terrible seperation of the perfect Trinity. Yet, upon this rejection was the bridge of reconciliation! For it was through Christ's sacrifice that we can have eternal life and be reunited with God.
When we survey the wonderous cross, do we not see God's great sacrifice and love? How then can we achieve such reconciliation between God and Man? Only when we commit our spirits into the Father's hands, just as Christ did!
Father, into your hands I commit my spirit.
But I thank God for my church pastor Rev Titus Zhang. He is truely a gifted speaker. He speaks with great wisdom from God, founding his sermon closely onto the Word and inspiring his sheep to follow after Christ. What a blessing it is to be led by such a shephard...haha, to think that I was angst with him once, foolish me.
Rev Zhang shared a very interesting perspective of the cross...rejection and seperation.(十架上的离弃). The cross marked Christ's rejection by many. (1) the Jews who welcomed Him with palm leaves and shouts of praise were the people who shouted "Crucify Him". (2) His beloved disciple Peter denied Him 3 times, each with a stronger curse. (3) God the Father forsaking Him as He bore the sins of th world.
(1) & (2) Why was there such rejection? It was because Christ did not meet their expectations. When the Jews failed to learn the meaning of Messiah, they found Jesus unfit to be their King as He proclaims. And similarly, when Christ was no longer in a powerful state, Peter's humanly reaction was to run away. Isn't it so between man-man r/s? So often, r/s fall apart becasue one party fails to meet another party's expectations...I can think of a very personal friendship that fits the description.
(3) But not so in the Father's rejection of the Son! Yes, this was a painful rejection, when Christ shouted "My God, my God, why have you forsaken me?" (Mat 27: 46). It was a terrible seperation of the perfect Trinity. Yet, upon this rejection was the bridge of reconciliation! For it was through Christ's sacrifice that we can have eternal life and be reunited with God.
When we survey the wonderous cross, do we not see God's great sacrifice and love? How then can we achieve such reconciliation between God and Man? Only when we commit our spirits into the Father's hands, just as Christ did!
Father, into your hands I commit my spirit.
Wednesday, March 31, 2010
It's over.
I stepped out of my last paeds station and happily joined the queue which was already formed. Everyone talked excitedly about the cases they just had. We walked towards the end of the corridor where our handphones and friends awaited us. It was only then it striked me that the exam was over.
There was no oooo or wow. It's just... ...over
5 years. 60 months. 1825 days. This day marks the end of our medical student life.
No wait.
This marks the end of our lives as students. Not that we stop learning, but we wld never have to attend school. This day truely marks the end of our accademic lives.
It took a rather long while for that truth to set in. The bunch of us lerked around NUH Kent Ridge Wing lobby for at least 30min, calling family, chatting, taking photos, deciding where to go...There was no sense of excitement or sheer relieve, just that it's...over.
Someone commented that suddenly, life seemed to have lost it's purpose...and I can't help but agree. We have been studying for so so long, always preparing for the next exam. But now, there is no exam ahead to look to.
It's really ironic, that thru the preparing for this exam, we were always looking forward to the end of it. The end of the exam almost became a motivation for us to press on. Yet now at the end of the road, everything just comes to this large full stop. No outburst of emotions, no great sense of relief. Just a full stop.
Soon our feet led Jon and myself to the science canteen. In sharing, we both marvelled at just how 5 yr had gone by and how God has blessed us, sustaining us thru this rocky road. All that knowledge to grasp, all the experiences, all the wonderful relationships/friendships we have built...5 yrs seemed so short, yet recalling each experience, we are amazed by the length. We soon found ourselves in prayer, of thanksgiving, of commiting the future and all it's uncertainty into the Lord's hands.
Indeed, the future is a great uncertainty. Would we pass/would we fail? How would the working environment be? We wld nvr know.
Life is a journey. Look to the cross.
There was no oooo or wow. It's just... ...over
5 years. 60 months. 1825 days. This day marks the end of our medical student life.
No wait.
This marks the end of our lives as students. Not that we stop learning, but we wld never have to attend school. This day truely marks the end of our accademic lives.
It took a rather long while for that truth to set in. The bunch of us lerked around NUH Kent Ridge Wing lobby for at least 30min, calling family, chatting, taking photos, deciding where to go...There was no sense of excitement or sheer relieve, just that it's...over.
Someone commented that suddenly, life seemed to have lost it's purpose...and I can't help but agree. We have been studying for so so long, always preparing for the next exam. But now, there is no exam ahead to look to.
It's really ironic, that thru the preparing for this exam, we were always looking forward to the end of it. The end of the exam almost became a motivation for us to press on. Yet now at the end of the road, everything just comes to this large full stop. No outburst of emotions, no great sense of relief. Just a full stop.
Soon our feet led Jon and myself to the science canteen. In sharing, we both marvelled at just how 5 yr had gone by and how God has blessed us, sustaining us thru this rocky road. All that knowledge to grasp, all the experiences, all the wonderful relationships/friendships we have built...5 yrs seemed so short, yet recalling each experience, we are amazed by the length. We soon found ourselves in prayer, of thanksgiving, of commiting the future and all it's uncertainty into the Lord's hands.
Indeed, the future is a great uncertainty. Would we pass/would we fail? How would the working environment be? We wld nvr know.
Life is a journey. Look to the cross.
Thursday, March 18, 2010
When it is all said and done
It's Day 10 of MBBS...
We have cleared all our theory papers. The toughest clinical exams lie ahead of us. For me, it starts this Sat with the surgical clinicals.
I can hardly believe that we are already more than halfway thru this major exam. The past few days have just swept by so swiftly, it almost seem like this morning's MEQ was a matter of a distant past. Haha, everything seems like a dream, each moment passing by without one's notice, yet I know that my time is counted to the very second, for every moment is precious.
Was telling Xian that things pass by so fast, sometimes I wonder at the end of the day, the purpose of living for each day seems to become blurred. When it is all said and done, what have we lived our life for? How have our lives lived to God's will for us? When time passes so fast, we have to be more conscious of what we live for each day. O Lord, give me wisdom and obedience to follow you all the way.
Be very careful, then, how you live—not as unwise but as wise, making the most of every opportunity, because the days are evil. Therefore do not be foolish, but understand what the Lord's will is. --- Eph 5:15-17
We have cleared all our theory papers. The toughest clinical exams lie ahead of us. For me, it starts this Sat with the surgical clinicals.
I can hardly believe that we are already more than halfway thru this major exam. The past few days have just swept by so swiftly, it almost seem like this morning's MEQ was a matter of a distant past. Haha, everything seems like a dream, each moment passing by without one's notice, yet I know that my time is counted to the very second, for every moment is precious.
Was telling Xian that things pass by so fast, sometimes I wonder at the end of the day, the purpose of living for each day seems to become blurred. When it is all said and done, what have we lived our life for? How have our lives lived to God's will for us? When time passes so fast, we have to be more conscious of what we live for each day. O Lord, give me wisdom and obedience to follow you all the way.
Be very careful, then, how you live—not as unwise but as wise, making the most of every opportunity, because the days are evil. Therefore do not be foolish, but understand what the Lord's will is. --- Eph 5:15-17
Monday, March 8, 2010
And here it comes
After 5 years of training, we finally arrive at the final MBBS.
A mixture of excitement and anxiousness fills me as I wonder how tmr morning will be. Yet, I have a sense of peace knowing that the sun will still shine tmr and our faithful Father would be there with His new blessings every new morning.
"...being confident of this, that he who began a good work in you will carry it on to completion until the day of Christ Jesus. " Phi 1:6
Indeed, the Lord has led us to this journey and He will definitely see us through till the end. Our confidence lies notin what we know, but in te Lord who giveth us the knowledge and wisdom. So well, we'll face the MBBS and life ahead in the name of the Lord!!!
Father, commit all my friends into your hands. Lead us, guide us and bless us, to become the doctors you want us to be. Amen.
A mixture of excitement and anxiousness fills me as I wonder how tmr morning will be. Yet, I have a sense of peace knowing that the sun will still shine tmr and our faithful Father would be there with His new blessings every new morning.
"...being confident of this, that he who began a good work in you will carry it on to completion until the day of Christ Jesus. " Phi 1:6
Indeed, the Lord has led us to this journey and He will definitely see us through till the end. Our confidence lies notin what we know, but in te Lord who giveth us the knowledge and wisdom. So well, we'll face the MBBS and life ahead in the name of the Lord!!!
Father, commit all my friends into your hands. Lead us, guide us and bless us, to become the doctors you want us to be. Amen.
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