An account from my SIP days...
There’s this old lady under my team’s care who has a past medical history of
1) multiple myeloma
2) congestive heart failure
3) rheumatic arthritis
4) Fe/B12 deficiency
5) Osteoporosis
6) CVA
In addition, she has scabies, which is probably the reason why people choose to keep away from her. “Scabies is infectious!!! And you don’t want scabies” I admit that I would not go close to her without gloves and gown either.
If you have a heart, when you see this poor lady all curled up alone in her bed, you can’t help but have an ache. Bones and joints badly deformed due to RA, she lies there on bed like an embryo. She’s barely able to move, completely ADL dependent and feeds through an NG tube. On the few occasions I talked to her, she said she hasn’t eaten for days and wonders if she would die without eating. I tried my best to explain that her body is still receiving nutrient via the NGT and she’ll just nod, almost resigned to fate. (Ah, I wished I could get the speech therapiest to review her and see if she can start feeding. But then again, what if she aspirates? Plus, she’ll need some one to feed her. Yet, aren’t we robbing her of the simple pleasures of feeding, replacing it with an NGT? )
Walking along the corridors, you could often see Mdm X staring blankly into space, as if in her own fantasy world. I sure pray it’s beautiful memories that are flying through her mind, to bring her a smile or 2 as the days pass by. Yet would reality be so painful that she has simply accepted the “life” she now has, confined to the bed she stays, her world limited to the narrow visual field her eyes are permitted to see. Being ignorant to such a great torturous truth seemed like the more comforting alternative.
No one visits Mdm X, at least in my knowledge. You can even feel an invisible ring surrounding her that seems cursed, where no one wants to tread. Lonely and alone, I shudder to consider such painful loneliness. Won’t life be meaningless when you are in this pitiful state? And God said He came to give us life, and life to fullest. I can hardly see any life in Mdm X.
When asked what she hoped for, her only answer was to return to her former old folks home (at Orchard road). Hearing that is like a stab through my heart. I do not doubt the care the hospital here, but wherever that old folks home is, it's truly home...and yet it ain't a real home, by my definition.
The most painful stroke for me was when I had to set an IV line for Mdm X. I know I’m lousy at IV lines to start with. Her veins are not the most difficult ones, by my standard. They were palpable and visible. Yet as I set my first one, the tubing got kicked :( Already, Mdm X was screaming in pain, the slow, deep wrenching scream of sheer pain. Yet I failed!!! Oh, how I prayed for a success, that I would not have to do it a second time. But why did I fail? Why is it always me who have to inflict pain on others…
How I wish I can vow to never inflict pain again. But yet I know that wld be impossible. I know my limitations and my weakness. But I know, in God, all things are possible...I just have to trust Him, to guide me to care for my patients.
Monday, April 5, 2010
Saturday, April 3, 2010
Remember the cross
This is one Good Friday which doesn't feel Good friday-ish. Maybe cos the holiday is in the middle of my holiday so don't have that extra feel. Maybe I haven't been to church for a while and have missed the lent reminder (大斋). Maybe my sphere of Christian influence are mostly overseas...But no matter what, there can be no excuse and I am truly ashamed that I haven't spent time reflecting on the cross...forgive me Lord.
But I thank God for my church pastor Rev Titus Zhang. He is truely a gifted speaker. He speaks with great wisdom from God, founding his sermon closely onto the Word and inspiring his sheep to follow after Christ. What a blessing it is to be led by such a shephard...haha, to think that I was angst with him once, foolish me.
Rev Zhang shared a very interesting perspective of the cross...rejection and seperation.(十架上的离弃). The cross marked Christ's rejection by many. (1) the Jews who welcomed Him with palm leaves and shouts of praise were the people who shouted "Crucify Him". (2) His beloved disciple Peter denied Him 3 times, each with a stronger curse. (3) God the Father forsaking Him as He bore the sins of th world.
(1) & (2) Why was there such rejection? It was because Christ did not meet their expectations. When the Jews failed to learn the meaning of Messiah, they found Jesus unfit to be their King as He proclaims. And similarly, when Christ was no longer in a powerful state, Peter's humanly reaction was to run away. Isn't it so between man-man r/s? So often, r/s fall apart becasue one party fails to meet another party's expectations...I can think of a very personal friendship that fits the description.
(3) But not so in the Father's rejection of the Son! Yes, this was a painful rejection, when Christ shouted "My God, my God, why have you forsaken me?" (Mat 27: 46). It was a terrible seperation of the perfect Trinity. Yet, upon this rejection was the bridge of reconciliation! For it was through Christ's sacrifice that we can have eternal life and be reunited with God.
When we survey the wonderous cross, do we not see God's great sacrifice and love? How then can we achieve such reconciliation between God and Man? Only when we commit our spirits into the Father's hands, just as Christ did!
Father, into your hands I commit my spirit.
But I thank God for my church pastor Rev Titus Zhang. He is truely a gifted speaker. He speaks with great wisdom from God, founding his sermon closely onto the Word and inspiring his sheep to follow after Christ. What a blessing it is to be led by such a shephard...haha, to think that I was angst with him once, foolish me.
Rev Zhang shared a very interesting perspective of the cross...rejection and seperation.(十架上的离弃). The cross marked Christ's rejection by many. (1) the Jews who welcomed Him with palm leaves and shouts of praise were the people who shouted "Crucify Him". (2) His beloved disciple Peter denied Him 3 times, each with a stronger curse. (3) God the Father forsaking Him as He bore the sins of th world.
(1) & (2) Why was there such rejection? It was because Christ did not meet their expectations. When the Jews failed to learn the meaning of Messiah, they found Jesus unfit to be their King as He proclaims. And similarly, when Christ was no longer in a powerful state, Peter's humanly reaction was to run away. Isn't it so between man-man r/s? So often, r/s fall apart becasue one party fails to meet another party's expectations...I can think of a very personal friendship that fits the description.
(3) But not so in the Father's rejection of the Son! Yes, this was a painful rejection, when Christ shouted "My God, my God, why have you forsaken me?" (Mat 27: 46). It was a terrible seperation of the perfect Trinity. Yet, upon this rejection was the bridge of reconciliation! For it was through Christ's sacrifice that we can have eternal life and be reunited with God.
When we survey the wonderous cross, do we not see God's great sacrifice and love? How then can we achieve such reconciliation between God and Man? Only when we commit our spirits into the Father's hands, just as Christ did!
Father, into your hands I commit my spirit.
Wednesday, March 31, 2010
It's over.
I stepped out of my last paeds station and happily joined the queue which was already formed. Everyone talked excitedly about the cases they just had. We walked towards the end of the corridor where our handphones and friends awaited us. It was only then it striked me that the exam was over.
There was no oooo or wow. It's just... ...over
5 years. 60 months. 1825 days. This day marks the end of our medical student life.
No wait.
This marks the end of our lives as students. Not that we stop learning, but we wld never have to attend school. This day truely marks the end of our accademic lives.
It took a rather long while for that truth to set in. The bunch of us lerked around NUH Kent Ridge Wing lobby for at least 30min, calling family, chatting, taking photos, deciding where to go...There was no sense of excitement or sheer relieve, just that it's...over.
Someone commented that suddenly, life seemed to have lost it's purpose...and I can't help but agree. We have been studying for so so long, always preparing for the next exam. But now, there is no exam ahead to look to.
It's really ironic, that thru the preparing for this exam, we were always looking forward to the end of it. The end of the exam almost became a motivation for us to press on. Yet now at the end of the road, everything just comes to this large full stop. No outburst of emotions, no great sense of relief. Just a full stop.
Soon our feet led Jon and myself to the science canteen. In sharing, we both marvelled at just how 5 yr had gone by and how God has blessed us, sustaining us thru this rocky road. All that knowledge to grasp, all the experiences, all the wonderful relationships/friendships we have built...5 yrs seemed so short, yet recalling each experience, we are amazed by the length. We soon found ourselves in prayer, of thanksgiving, of commiting the future and all it's uncertainty into the Lord's hands.
Indeed, the future is a great uncertainty. Would we pass/would we fail? How would the working environment be? We wld nvr know.
Life is a journey. Look to the cross.
There was no oooo or wow. It's just... ...over
5 years. 60 months. 1825 days. This day marks the end of our medical student life.
No wait.
This marks the end of our lives as students. Not that we stop learning, but we wld never have to attend school. This day truely marks the end of our accademic lives.
It took a rather long while for that truth to set in. The bunch of us lerked around NUH Kent Ridge Wing lobby for at least 30min, calling family, chatting, taking photos, deciding where to go...There was no sense of excitement or sheer relieve, just that it's...over.
Someone commented that suddenly, life seemed to have lost it's purpose...and I can't help but agree. We have been studying for so so long, always preparing for the next exam. But now, there is no exam ahead to look to.
It's really ironic, that thru the preparing for this exam, we were always looking forward to the end of it. The end of the exam almost became a motivation for us to press on. Yet now at the end of the road, everything just comes to this large full stop. No outburst of emotions, no great sense of relief. Just a full stop.
Soon our feet led Jon and myself to the science canteen. In sharing, we both marvelled at just how 5 yr had gone by and how God has blessed us, sustaining us thru this rocky road. All that knowledge to grasp, all the experiences, all the wonderful relationships/friendships we have built...5 yrs seemed so short, yet recalling each experience, we are amazed by the length. We soon found ourselves in prayer, of thanksgiving, of commiting the future and all it's uncertainty into the Lord's hands.
Indeed, the future is a great uncertainty. Would we pass/would we fail? How would the working environment be? We wld nvr know.
Life is a journey. Look to the cross.
Thursday, March 18, 2010
When it is all said and done
It's Day 10 of MBBS...
We have cleared all our theory papers. The toughest clinical exams lie ahead of us. For me, it starts this Sat with the surgical clinicals.
I can hardly believe that we are already more than halfway thru this major exam. The past few days have just swept by so swiftly, it almost seem like this morning's MEQ was a matter of a distant past. Haha, everything seems like a dream, each moment passing by without one's notice, yet I know that my time is counted to the very second, for every moment is precious.
Was telling Xian that things pass by so fast, sometimes I wonder at the end of the day, the purpose of living for each day seems to become blurred. When it is all said and done, what have we lived our life for? How have our lives lived to God's will for us? When time passes so fast, we have to be more conscious of what we live for each day. O Lord, give me wisdom and obedience to follow you all the way.
Be very careful, then, how you live—not as unwise but as wise, making the most of every opportunity, because the days are evil. Therefore do not be foolish, but understand what the Lord's will is. --- Eph 5:15-17
We have cleared all our theory papers. The toughest clinical exams lie ahead of us. For me, it starts this Sat with the surgical clinicals.
I can hardly believe that we are already more than halfway thru this major exam. The past few days have just swept by so swiftly, it almost seem like this morning's MEQ was a matter of a distant past. Haha, everything seems like a dream, each moment passing by without one's notice, yet I know that my time is counted to the very second, for every moment is precious.
Was telling Xian that things pass by so fast, sometimes I wonder at the end of the day, the purpose of living for each day seems to become blurred. When it is all said and done, what have we lived our life for? How have our lives lived to God's will for us? When time passes so fast, we have to be more conscious of what we live for each day. O Lord, give me wisdom and obedience to follow you all the way.
Be very careful, then, how you live—not as unwise but as wise, making the most of every opportunity, because the days are evil. Therefore do not be foolish, but understand what the Lord's will is. --- Eph 5:15-17
Monday, March 8, 2010
And here it comes
After 5 years of training, we finally arrive at the final MBBS.
A mixture of excitement and anxiousness fills me as I wonder how tmr morning will be. Yet, I have a sense of peace knowing that the sun will still shine tmr and our faithful Father would be there with His new blessings every new morning.
"...being confident of this, that he who began a good work in you will carry it on to completion until the day of Christ Jesus. " Phi 1:6
Indeed, the Lord has led us to this journey and He will definitely see us through till the end. Our confidence lies notin what we know, but in te Lord who giveth us the knowledge and wisdom. So well, we'll face the MBBS and life ahead in the name of the Lord!!!
Father, commit all my friends into your hands. Lead us, guide us and bless us, to become the doctors you want us to be. Amen.
A mixture of excitement and anxiousness fills me as I wonder how tmr morning will be. Yet, I have a sense of peace knowing that the sun will still shine tmr and our faithful Father would be there with His new blessings every new morning.
"...being confident of this, that he who began a good work in you will carry it on to completion until the day of Christ Jesus. " Phi 1:6
Indeed, the Lord has led us to this journey and He will definitely see us through till the end. Our confidence lies notin what we know, but in te Lord who giveth us the knowledge and wisdom. So well, we'll face the MBBS and life ahead in the name of the Lord!!!
Father, commit all my friends into your hands. Lead us, guide us and bless us, to become the doctors you want us to be. Amen.
Saturday, March 6, 2010
On faith and miracle healing
Mark 9:14-30
14When they came to the other disciples, they saw a large crowd around them and the teachers of the law arguing with them. 15 As soon as all the people saw Jesus, they were overwhelmed with wonder and ran to greet him.
16"What are you arguing with them about?" he asked.
17A man in the crowd answered, "Teacher, I brought you my son, who is possessed by a spirit that has robbed him of speech. 18 Whenever it seizes him, it throws him to the ground. He foams at the mouth, gnashes his teeth and becomes rigid. I asked your disciples to drive out the spirit, but they could not."
19"O unbelieving generation," Jesus replied, "how long shall I stay with you? How long shall I put up with you? Bring the boy to me."
20So they brought him. When the spirit saw Jesus, it immediately threw the boy into a convulsion. He fell to the ground and rolled around, foaming at the mouth.
21Jesus asked the boy's father, "How long has he been like this?"
"From childhood," he answered. 22"It has often thrown him into fire or water to kill him. But if you can do anything, take pity on us and help us."
23" 'If you can'?" said Jesus. "Everything is possible for him who believes."
24 Immediately the boy's father exclaimed, "I do believe; help me overcome my unbelief!"
25When Jesus saw that a crowd was running to the scene, he rebuked the evil spirit. "You deaf and mute spirit," he said, "I command you, come out of him and never enter him again."
26The spirit shrieked, convulsed him violently and came out. The boy looked so much like a corpse that many said, "He's dead." 27But Jesus took him by the hand and lifted him to his feet, and he stood up.
28After Jesus had gone indoors, his disciples asked him privately, "Why couldn't we drive it out?"
29He replied, "This kind can come out only by prayer."
30They left that place and passed through Galilee. Jesus did not want anyone to know where they were...
"Miracle healing". This thought has been on my mind for quite a while and resurfaced when one of my friends asked me to visit a church's miracle healing seminar. As someone who is privileged to study the art of medicine, it is indeed hard for me to understand how these miracle healing/healers work. Yet, the Lord I worship and believe has shown great healing and mercy. I once reasoned that we don't see such acts of miracle healing cos this generation (of the new testament) no longer needs such miracles to reveal God's presence for He has been revealed through Christ. My pastor offered another perspective that miracles in our understanding today is a quick and swift fix to our problems (cos it defies time), so is the healing a stage 4 CA over 10yrs considered a miracle? It definitely is! But just that these "miracles" are not so visible.
Was talking with Sam over lunch about this and he shared another friend's view that we don't see such acts of miracles cos we are a generation without such faith. Miracles happen all around us, but we have not the faith to see them and believe that it is a miracle. Hmm...i do find this opinion hard to dispute. Even Christ called us an "unbelieving generation".
Yet, I still struggle with the act of miracles and our attitudes towards them. When miracles happen after we pray, people often attribute the power of healing to the person who prayed "Oh, you are a man of greater faith thus God has heard your prayer". But is that so? Does God only hear the prayers of a "man with greater faith"? Does he not hear all our prayers, as he promised he would in the Bible? I get a sense of self-centeredness thru all these healing seminars/acts of healing instead of a God-centered worship.
But on the other hand, Jesus has rebuked the heart of the faithless. Like in the above passage, the father said "But if you can do anything" (v22) and Jesus immediately pointed out his faithlessness "If you can?...everything is possible for him who believes." (v23). Have I too been too faithless in believing that God can perform miracles? Have I been too faithless and timid to ask God for miracles? Did Jesus not say "I tell you the truth, if you have faith and do not doubt...it will be done. If you believe, you will receive whatever you ask for in prayer" (Mat 21:21-22). On reflecting, I do realise that my prayers have often been full of doubts and "what ifs". Ha, such an unbelieving heart...
I remember somewhere in the book of Proverbs, King Solomen commented that the prayer of a unbelieving heart is like an insult to God (or something to that extend, but I can't find that verse). Ah, Father, I do believe you are a God of miracles; give me greater faith and help me overcome my unbelief! Amen.
14When they came to the other disciples, they saw a large crowd around them and the teachers of the law arguing with them. 15 As soon as all the people saw Jesus, they were overwhelmed with wonder and ran to greet him.
16"What are you arguing with them about?" he asked.
17A man in the crowd answered, "Teacher, I brought you my son, who is possessed by a spirit that has robbed him of speech. 18 Whenever it seizes him, it throws him to the ground. He foams at the mouth, gnashes his teeth and becomes rigid. I asked your disciples to drive out the spirit, but they could not."
19"O unbelieving generation," Jesus replied, "how long shall I stay with you? How long shall I put up with you? Bring the boy to me."
20So they brought him. When the spirit saw Jesus, it immediately threw the boy into a convulsion. He fell to the ground and rolled around, foaming at the mouth.
21Jesus asked the boy's father, "How long has he been like this?"
"From childhood," he answered. 22"It has often thrown him into fire or water to kill him. But if you can do anything, take pity on us and help us."
23" 'If you can'?" said Jesus. "Everything is possible for him who believes."
24 Immediately the boy's father exclaimed, "I do believe; help me overcome my unbelief!"
25When Jesus saw that a crowd was running to the scene, he rebuked the evil spirit. "You deaf and mute spirit," he said, "I command you, come out of him and never enter him again."
26The spirit shrieked, convulsed him violently and came out. The boy looked so much like a corpse that many said, "He's dead." 27But Jesus took him by the hand and lifted him to his feet, and he stood up.
28After Jesus had gone indoors, his disciples asked him privately, "Why couldn't we drive it out?"
29He replied, "This kind can come out only by prayer."
30They left that place and passed through Galilee. Jesus did not want anyone to know where they were...
***************************************
"Miracle healing". This thought has been on my mind for quite a while and resurfaced when one of my friends asked me to visit a church's miracle healing seminar. As someone who is privileged to study the art of medicine, it is indeed hard for me to understand how these miracle healing/healers work. Yet, the Lord I worship and believe has shown great healing and mercy. I once reasoned that we don't see such acts of miracle healing cos this generation (of the new testament) no longer needs such miracles to reveal God's presence for He has been revealed through Christ. My pastor offered another perspective that miracles in our understanding today is a quick and swift fix to our problems (cos it defies time), so is the healing a stage 4 CA over 10yrs considered a miracle? It definitely is! But just that these "miracles" are not so visible.
Was talking with Sam over lunch about this and he shared another friend's view that we don't see such acts of miracles cos we are a generation without such faith. Miracles happen all around us, but we have not the faith to see them and believe that it is a miracle. Hmm...i do find this opinion hard to dispute. Even Christ called us an "unbelieving generation".
Yet, I still struggle with the act of miracles and our attitudes towards them. When miracles happen after we pray, people often attribute the power of healing to the person who prayed "Oh, you are a man of greater faith thus God has heard your prayer". But is that so? Does God only hear the prayers of a "man with greater faith"? Does he not hear all our prayers, as he promised he would in the Bible? I get a sense of self-centeredness thru all these healing seminars/acts of healing instead of a God-centered worship.
But on the other hand, Jesus has rebuked the heart of the faithless. Like in the above passage, the father said "But if you can do anything" (v22) and Jesus immediately pointed out his faithlessness "If you can?...everything is possible for him who believes." (v23). Have I too been too faithless in believing that God can perform miracles? Have I been too faithless and timid to ask God for miracles? Did Jesus not say "I tell you the truth, if you have faith and do not doubt...it will be done. If you believe, you will receive whatever you ask for in prayer" (Mat 21:21-22). On reflecting, I do realise that my prayers have often been full of doubts and "what ifs". Ha, such an unbelieving heart...
I remember somewhere in the book of Proverbs, King Solomen commented that the prayer of a unbelieving heart is like an insult to God (or something to that extend, but I can't find that verse). Ah, Father, I do believe you are a God of miracles; give me greater faith and help me overcome my unbelief! Amen.
Monday, March 1, 2010
Living life in a blur...
I guess it's a pre-exam phenomena, where you seem to be able to count every single second that passes by, yet when it passes, it feels like sand slipping thru your hands.
Yup, life becomes a blur. Things just happen, time just passes. Nothing is significantly singnificant, just part of the day. It's so quiet, yet so noisy. Feels like you are standing in the middle of river. The water flows by swiftly, and you are wading profusely, just to find that it's still just you in an unchanging landscape. Sigh, find it hard to quieten my soul down to even do my quiet time.
Feels like running aimlessly, yet the truth is I'm running towards a goal.
Haha, sigh. Living life in a blur, a confused soul.
Yup, life becomes a blur. Things just happen, time just passes. Nothing is significantly singnificant, just part of the day. It's so quiet, yet so noisy. Feels like you are standing in the middle of river. The water flows by swiftly, and you are wading profusely, just to find that it's still just you in an unchanging landscape. Sigh, find it hard to quieten my soul down to even do my quiet time.
Feels like running aimlessly, yet the truth is I'm running towards a goal.
Haha, sigh. Living life in a blur, a confused soul.
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