Our lovelie-douvie

Dancing under the moonlight with you in my arms, God has reaffirmed the truth, you are the beautiful gift He has in my life.

We will soon make each other complete. We will soon become one.

I close my eyes and bow my head in thanksgiving, for you and this wonderful night.

Oh Lord, teach me to treasure the gifts You have placed in my life :) For everything good comes from You!

Captain Sir

Had a rare chance wondering through the Youtube jungle, I found myself in the Army/NS plantation, seeing video after video related to NS. Watched the army daze shots, some sessions of the Nooze which discussed about NS, our commando training (invariably think of Dom), guards conversion (and I thought of Weijie), Scouts training, NDU, Midshippers etc...The more I watched, the more my heart stirred. Deep inside me, I really want to go thru all these courses too. I could almost picture myself in FBO crossing the river or doing some fast march or repelling. But as the emo bubble burst to reveal logic, I am faced with the reality: I will not be physically fit to go thru the training. I may not have the mental capacity to sustain the grulling torture, I will not have great friends/buddies to support me along the way, I may not be able to let down my pride (especially of the rank I now hold).

Yet, the deep desire to do some "army" stuff does not simmer away, not even a bit. I begin to browse thru all the facebook photos of other's army life in unit, all the fun and faces during exercise/training. Such comrade and excitement, of going thru tough times with your buddies. I recalled my own MOCC training with a little bit of guilt and shame. I should have been more optimistic, more on the ball, to enjoy the pain of training and reap the joy of friendship and brotherhood. The route marches together, the outfields, the tekan sessions, the WWWW...they are so vivid yet so distant. How I do wish I could relive all of it once more.

And I turn to look at my medics and my medical center. My heart sinks a little. Dear dear, they don't know what they are missing! They have lost the joy of combat training and comrade. I hear of the many disagreements on the ground, of office politics played out right under my nose, of bias-ness and favoritism. There is a great lack of motivation to move forward to do things out of comfort zone, a lack of purpose and drive. There is a great lack of unity, of brotherhood, of going to battle together.  I have been trying so hard to re-instill that sense of unit life, but honestly, I am getting discouraged trying. I push for IPPT, shoots etc, but dragging people out to even do PT is soon becoming a chore. I try my best to know everyone, to talk to ppl, to motivate individuals, but my key stakeholders are ORDing soon and the unmotivated rest are just pulling everyone down. I wanna teach, give incentives, and I don't know why, I'm sometimes feel my efforts go unappreciated.

It's upsetting and discouraging. Suddenly, I actually feel like giving up. Especially when my SGT told me today he has lost the purpose which he had a while ago, and I cannot help but agree. I'm losing it too.

I feel like I'm fighting this battle alone and running low on ammo. And as the medical center work piles up, it becomes harder and harder for me to engage my medics. Even then, I am lost at how to engage and encourage them. I am beginning to take steps back and simply letting go. I have been letting my guard down, being too comfortable with myself, being less aware of how my actions have an impact on my medics...I am soon unbecoming of a good leader, my actions and decision soon follow my gut rather than my heart/mind. I fear I'm becoming biased, losing the consistency and fairness.

How can I lead my man? Am I still a worthy leader?

As I browsed thru my phone messages, one of Jeremy's old message spoke to me once more. This was after our initial horrendous idea to institute regimentation (dtd 19/2/2012):
"Yeah, I was kept up last night by this issue and I have been praying for the medics and you. I think it can still work in our favour. At least they trust you enough to approach you.

Just wanna encourage you with 1 Sam 22:2. Everyone who was in distress, and everyone who was in debt, and everyone who was discontented gathered to him; and he became captain over them. This was talking about David as he was running for his life and hidding in a cave all the misfits in society gathered around him, these guys later became David's mighty men, some of the strongest warriors that Isreal have ever seen.

I see a correlation with our medics whom you are captain over. As I speak to them I realised that many of them are directionless and have no idea what to do with their life. They need a leader to show them the way and that person is YOU!"

Father, indeed it is You who have placed me captain over the medical center. Father, I am no natural leader and am without organisational skills or commanding talents. I have not the physical or mental strength to fight wars or scale obstacles. I was not even selected to be in command school! Yet Father, just as you have chosen David, you have placed the undeserving me where I am. Father, I really don't deserve this rank and the responsibility upon my shoulders is heavy, yet Father, You remind me it is not me leading but You leading thru me. Father, You are the general and I'm merely executing Your commands. Father, relief me of the painful reigns, to let go and let You, for this medical center is Yours! Father, I cannot change the hearts of man, but only You can. Father, I pray for greater motivation and willingness in my medics, to seek a greater purpose in life. I pray for unity and harmony amongst the medical center, that medics will not see themselves as individual departments, but belonging to the medical center. Above all, I pray that the Holy Spirit will touch their hearts and shape them with a renewed sense of purpose and direction!

Oh Father, grant me the strength and wisdom to do your will here in the medical center. Remind me that YOU are the captain, not me. Teach me to rely on Your wisdom and not on mine. Humble me to trust in Your guidance once more. Father, I commit NSMC into Your hands! Please be the Lord over this army!!